Published December 20, 2010
Frost creeps over the window
So cold, so perfect.
I exit my abode into the outside world
So cold, so perfect.
Another day has started and so does my daily routine.
So organized, so perfect.
I get to work and start on time
So organized, so perfect.
The day seems long, but you’re there
You make it perfect.
Chill and wind dampen other people’s spirits, not mine
You make it perfect
Now today is over, I’m tired
But today was perfect
In my mind, I retrace all encounters with you today
Today was perfect
Falling into the abyss of sleep, I’m content
It’s perfect
Tomorrow, I’ll see your smile and your eyes
You’re perfect.
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
That was ... really good
xxx
And kind of chilling too... I love poems that are written like this.
And a total bonus is that I understood it, no doubt about that, so... thumbs up
I loved it! It was awesome! It had a nice beat to it.
I love this
. It feels as though I'm watching it all from a camera centered on a girl throughout her entire day.
Hi All
Thankyou for reading and commenting on my poem, it means a lot to me.
MissMadHatter
Hi for some reason I just had to comment on this poem
Normally people tend to use repetition but it doesn't really work however I think that you used repetition cleaverly and that is why it worked.
Good job
Iamnotperfect
aww i really liked this! its sweet and it reads so easily that i found my self not even really reading it but more like it was reading it's self to me. as corny as that sounds.
keep it up!
~Adeera~
Hi!
I really like the poem...I saw the same things that the previous reviewer mentioned, so you should correct those.
I also really like that the poem kind of has a spooky air-- it feels like the person's world is cold and not understanding. Also the "perfect" one seems also rather cold, and I really like poems that don't expand on why that person is perfect (smile, eyes, lalala). I feel like the narrator is not noticed by the perfect one, but that doesn't stop the narrator from admiring that person -- the person's manner is cold, just like the frost is cold, but it doesn't make her cold.
I have no idea if I made sense! But thank you for this poem! It's simple and beautiful.
This is a very sweet poem
I like it a lot.
I had two nitpicks:
There's something way too formal about the word 'abode'. Formal, or out of context or something. I think home or house will work just as well and won't attract attention to itself like abode does.
This like does mesh well with the next one. Having the today next to each other doesn't sound good. You could try:
I retrace all my encounters with you in my mind
Today was perfect
Other than that, this was good. The repetition of perfect might not agree with some people but I think it was very cute and I like the story it told.
Happy writing, and welcome to YWS!
~^~Chelsea~^~
Ahh, I love it! Very clever, fabulous use of repetition. It reads like a dream!