This is the second set of lyrics I've ever wrote. Wrote them the next day after writing 'Without You In My Life'.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
it was good
but i think you have too much story
you can have a story but not to much if you know what i mean
eg.
#FF0000 ">We were walking on that beach late last night
You told me you would be gone for just one day
I stood there crying on your shoulder
While you patted my back and said you'll be okay
Later that night when you were packing
I just laid on our bed thinking about those good old times
Our first date, my first kiss
When I saw you alone on the dance floor
Too nervous to ask
Then I said,
then you could go
we were walking along the beach late last night
you said you will leave for just one day
our first kiss, our first date
this isnt how i pictured us today
but right now all i want to do is say
Watch your spelling.
This line came out of nowhere. I think it would work better if you had a reprise of the chorus where the words are different, to better show how the singer's heart changed now that their significant other had returned. Maybe change the last two lines to something like "My heart was like stone / until you came back to me"?
The verses were very inconsistent. There is no pattern to their lengths or their rhymes, and that throws off the flow. Songs rely on repetition -- of patterns, words, or ideas -- and without this repetition, songs tend to fall flat. Giving your verses a strong pattern will help to strengthen this song.
Something else that you need to include in lyrics is punctuation. Lyrics are punctuated following the same rules as prose, and not having proper punctuation makes your lyrics difficult to read. As it stands, a couple of verses confused me because they lacked the punctuation to tell me where one idea ended and a new one began. Adding proper punctuation will make your lyrics easier to understand.
Hola! So I'm feeling a country vibe sort of for this song. I don't know if it was the subject matter or the way some of the words rhymes or what, but it seemed country-ish. They just reminded me of Taylor Swift's stuff in a way.
Anyways, so a couple of things. In some places I felt there was a rhyme scheme, but then it was dropped. Along with that the rhythm of the lines was dropped (meaning lines were longer and then shorter). I suppose in some places it seemed to do that to be able to transition to the chorus, but in others it just didn't make sense, for example around the second verse. First, there was a change in the rhyme scheme completely (in the first two lines) and then it seemed to depart completely from any rhyme scheme at all. My advice would be to either stick with one or the other.
I loved the very end of the song, from around the bridge or third verse (I don't know what you made it ) to the end. I thought it was sweet. All in all, good job!