Alicia's Story: Chapter one

(I'm posting this because I'm looking for constructional criticism. Not on grammar or spelling, but more on the body of the story and how it flows. It sounds terrible to me but I don't know how to fix it. I'm 20,000 words into this story and I would rather not just scratch this story as being a goner. So if you could help point out some weak points in description, character, or speech it would be greatly appreciated.)
Chapter one

The crowded streets of Nayon was the perfect setup for a desperate pickpocket. Alica heard her stomach growl. She surveyed the crowd, looking for a likely candidate. The summer festival had arrived this week, the cause for the crowd. Vendors lined the streets, merchants trying to sell their goods to money-tight peasants who weren't to eager to part with their money. Alica spotted her likely candidate. Tall and wiry, the man that caught her eye had a long nose and a thin mouth set in a grim expression. But it wasn't his features that had draw her attention, it had been his coin pouch sitting on his bottom and was attached to him by a thin cord. The perfect setup and easy access to an expert pickpocket like Alica. She wove her way through the crowd, occasionally getting bumped by a hurried peasant. "Move out of my way, scum!" one of them had yelled at her. She ignored him and neared herself closer to her potential victim. Out from her pocket she pulled out a small knife; big enough to get the job done but small enough that it wouldn't get taken away from her by the Guard.

She got close enough to her victim to see the detail of the man's clothes; cloaked in all black, they were rugged and durable. The kind of clothes a traveler wore. She began to walk right by him but she slowed herself done enough to slice his coin pouch near the top and let a few coins pouring into her waiting hand. She turned away from him, pocketing the newly obtained coins and her knife when she felt a strong hand grab her elbow and pull her back. She looked up to the stranger's dark green eyes. She could see he was furious, her heart dropped into her stomach. He didn't say anything but roughly led her out of the crowd into a narrow alleyway. He turned on her.

"How did you do that?" he demanded.

"What?" she choked out.

"How did you break through it?" he said, slightly shaking her.

"I don't know," she said. "What are you talking about?"

He searched her, bringing out her knife and the coins she had stolen from him. He examined the knife.

"Where did you get this knife?" he asked.

"I don't remember." He kept looking it over.

"Well, there is no trace of magic on it so you couldn't have broken through with this thing," he said, throwing down the knife. Alice watched as it bounced off the cobblestone ground and into a drain. That had been her lucky knife, what had gotten her through the last three years. But now it was gone. She turned her attention back to the stranger. He was staring at her, searching for something that didn't seem to be there. She turned away.

"I think I know how you did it," he said after a while. She looked back at him. "But I'm bringing you to Carlyon so he can decide what to do with you." He grabbed her arm again, she protested but he ignored her. She felt her muscles tense; she had never been caught by anyone before; her victims or the Guard. Her instinct to escape and run away was on high alert but she knew he was too strong to attempt an escape. He led her into the street, past the vendors, past the crowd, and through the less crowded marketplace of Nayon. He walked quickly, not bothering to mind if Alica would trip and scrap her knees. When she did, he would practically lifted her up and keep going. She stopped protesting; there didn't seem to be a use. Everyone around them didn't notice he was dragging her off into the unknown, they probably thought her as his disobedient daughter. They went through the marketplace without letting up the pace, through a section of Nayon that hadn't seen much activity in a while. He finally slowed down when they arrived at the House District of Nayon. Many of the houses in the House District were deserted due to the fact the King had taxed the residents out. If there were any of the houses occupied they were showing their faces; hoping the King would overlook them. The King was stern; he didn't deal with his people fairly. Alica had use to live in the House District but his family

Many of the houses in Nayon were taken by the King for taxes so the House District was fairly empty. There were a couple houses that hadn’t been taken by the King but they looked just as empty because the people there were trying to hide and hope nobody noticed them. The King was stern; he didn’t like to deal with his people fairly. Alica use to live in the House District but her family was thrown out because her parents couldn’t afford to pay the high taxes. Her parents abandon her to the streets to fend for herself while they found the money to stow away in a merchant ship and go to Kialton. That was three years ago. She had been able to live off the money she had stolen from peasants that got to close to her. She had almost got caught a few times but never had they found out it was her. But now she had been caught red-handed and was to face the consequences.

The man finally slowed down when they got to the House District. He was looking at the houses; seem to be counting them when he stopped at one of the houses that looked empty. He dragged her to the door and knocked on it. He paused and knocked on it again. The window next to the door opened and a husky voice said, “Who is it?”

“The King’s Guard is dead, the King lives on,” the man holding Alica said. The window closed and the door cracked open.

The man dragged me in. It was dark in the house, when my eyes adjusted I could see the contents of the house. It was grimy, and dirty. There was dust everywhere, the furniture had cloth over it, and the walls had dark stains all over them. Alica noticed the man that’s body matched the voice she had heard. He was tall like her captive, but he was built, had muscle bulging under the shirt. His face was mashed; he looked like he had been in too many fights.

“Who is this, Petnelo?” the man asked Alica’s captive.

“I believe this could be an assess to us, Blane,” the man named Petnelo said.

“How? Are we replacing Fredo already?” the man called Blane said.

“Maybe, this girl could probably be better than Fredo ever was.” Petnelo said.

Alica was getting very confused. They were talking about her yet she didn’t know what they were talking about her being an assess. She had no skills that she knew of; she didn’t have any money except the coins she had stolen from Petnelo. She was a nobody.

“Are you bring her to Carlyon?” asked Blane.

“Yes, where is he?” Petnelo said.

“Downstairs, here I’ll show you,” Blane said, motioning for Petnelo and Alica to follow him. Petnelo closed the door and let go of Alica’s arm. He had no fear that she could run far without him being able to get her. She felt the same way as she reluctantly followed him and Blane. They walked through the kitchen that looked like it hadn’t been used in a while and down a flight of stairs to the underground portion of the house. The underground room was dank but it had bright lamps hanging on the ceiling. The walls were made of stone that were placed there after whoever had dug the underground room was done. There were animal skins lying on the floor giving the room a dreary atmosphere.

Petnelo and Blane let Alica to the far end of the room where there was cloth hanging from the ceiling making the room into smaller private areas. Out of one of the clothed areas a voice yelled out, “Who goes there?”

Blane yelled out, “Blane, Petnelo, and a newcomer.”

“Come in then,” the voice said.

Blane lifted the cloth to an area and beckoned Petnelo and Alica in. The area was small; the only furniture in it was a desk and a chair where Carlyon was sitting. He was a bulgy man but he had an air of power around him. He studied Alica when she walked in. She had dirty blond hair, clear blue eyes, and had white skin underneath the layer of dirt and mud she was covered in. She was skinny and frail, probably from years of being on the streets. Her clothes were ragged but they covered her in the right places. She let her hair fall into her face when she looked at Carlyon.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Alica, sir,” she said, truthfully.

“What did you do to get Petnelo to drag you in here?”

“Pickpocketing, sir.” Well, he thought, at least she has some manners.

“Where did you come from?”

“The streets, sir, but I had lived in the House District until the King threw my family and me out.”

“Then where’s your family?”

She shrugged. “Somewhere in Kialton.”

Carlyon turned to Petnelo. “What use is she to us?”

“Well,” Petnelo said. “I believe she has a gift we could use.”

“What? Pickpocketing skills?”

“No, sir,” said Petnelo, then he lowered his voice. “I believe she is a Magic Resistor.”

Carlyon wrinkled his brow. “Magic Resistor? Are you sure?”

“I’m certain, sir,” Petnelo said. “I had a Detection Spell on my coin pouch and she broke through it without getting harmed or me not being aware it had been broken.”

A Magic Resistor, Alica thought, well this could explain how she could undetectably take money from people because they were obviously too confident in their magic then on their own senses.

“If she is a Magic Resistor, how exactly do you propose we use her?” Carlyon asked Petnelo.

“I believe if we could train her to be one of us we could use her to get in magic-guarded areas.”

Alica couldn’t help herself. “If you do decide to what me, do I get a choice in this manner?”

Carlyon smiled. “Yes, you can choose either us or . . . the Guards.”

He set her up in a trap. “Okay, I guess I’m stuck here with you,” Alica said.

“Good, now let’s see, who is willing to train her?” Carlyon asked Petnelo and Blane.

Blane raised his hand. “I’ll do it.”

“Good, now bring her get to the other house and assign her some clothes and a place to sleep.”
“Yes, sir,” Blane said.

Carlyon nodded. “Petnelo, stay. I have something for you to do.”

Petnelo nodded, and Blane and Alica, taking it as a dismissal, left the clothed area and went back upstairs.

“If I didn’t introduce myself, I’m Blane,” he said to her.

“I’m Alica.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Same, so where are we going now?” she asked.

“To a different safe house we have that stores equipment, clothes, and our sleeping quarters,” Blane explained as they walked out of the house and onto the street again. They walked deeper into the House District. Alica looked around and saw that the scenery was looking familiar. Then, they passed by a very familiar house to Alica and she stopped at it, stunned. It was dark and abandon, just like the other houses.

[Alica description of her old house, moves on]

"Here we are," Blane said, indicating to the house to their right. It looked the same to every other house here but she was betting there was more to it. They entered and of course the outside was just a disguise. The inside of this house was clean, like a maid lived here cleaning it from all the dust. They walked in the kitchen where it looked to well stocked with food. They went upstairs and Blane led her to the back room, down a hallway. They passed several closed doors and she could her people laughing and talking. She shot a questioning look at Blane. He noticed it and said, "Our other agents. You'll meet them later."

We walked into the back room where there were chests and cabinets along the far wall. To the left were piles of mats and cots. Blane walked to one of the cabinets and began pulling out clothes. He handed me a pair of brown breeches, two green tunics, and a few white undershirts. Then he handed her a faded blue dress. "Just in case," he said, when she gave him another questioning look. She took them all and followed him out of the room to another room where cots were spread out on the floor and a desk next to the door. Blane walked to the desk and found a ledger.

"Let's see." he said. "You can't sleep where Fredo slept because he slept in the male's room but you can share a room with Skyena. She'd enjoy your company, she's the only other lower female agent." Alica nodded. He wrote something down in the ledger and stored it back into the desk.

"I'll show you to the room," he said and they exited the room.

"So," Alica said. "What exactly are you guys?"

Blane sighed. "Have you ever heard of the Rebels?"

"Once, but I thought it was a rumor," she said.

"Well, it's not. The Rebels are an organization of peasants that are planning to overthrow the King."

"Why would you want to overthrown the King? And can you do that without having a relative of his to ascend it?" Alica asked.

"We believe if the people will accept us as a better alternative than the King than we won't need a relative." Blane said.

He lead her across the hallway to a closed door. He knocked, listened, then hearing nothing, opened it. This room was bare and small compared to the others. It had only two cots in it, a mirror leaning against the wall and a single box next to one of the cots. There was one window pointing towards another house.

He pointed to one of the cots. "This will be your cot. When you find a empty box or something then you can use it to store your clothes. The outhouse is in the back," he explained. "Any questions?"

"Yes," Alica said. "When do I get to start training or whatever?"

"I'll give you the rest of the day to wash up and rest. Tomorrow we'll start your training."

"Okay."

He looked out the window. "Supper should be ready in a couple hours. You should have enough time to clean up and change then come down to the kitchen. You'll meet everyone then. The tub is two doors down on your left."

"Thank you," she said. He left and she sat down on her new cot. Today had definitely changed her life. Just yesterday she had been living on the streets, stealing her money, food, and clothes to survive, no family, but now she had a roof ever her head, free clothes, and maybe a place to belong. She grabbed her breeches, a undershirt, and a tunic from her pile of clothes then left the rest laying on her cot. She followed Blane's direction and found the tub. Blane must have told someone she was coming because there was already hot water in the tub yet nobody was in sight. She closed the door, took her clothes off, and slid in the water. Sighing, she submerged herself completely in the water. It had been more than three years since she's had a hot bath. Laying on the rim of the tub was a bar of soap. She grabbed it and scrubbed herself clean. She cleaned her hair, getting the grime of her street life off her. There were people passing by, calling back and forth to each other but thankfully nobody barged in on her. When the water cooled off she climbed out, dried herself off, and put on her new clothes. They felt light, yet durable. Smoothing down her tunic, she opened the door and walked down the hallway. It was deserted but she saw that everyone had assembled in the dining room. When she walked in, the room went quiet and everyone turned to look at her. None of them were hostile, many had the expression of curiosity written on their faces.

Alica cracked a smile. "Hello."

The closest male walked up to her. "Hello, I'm Netro." He struck his hand out for her to shake.

She shook it. "I'm Alica." Everyone else slowly gathered around her, introducing themselves. The red-haired freckled man was Yana, the dark long-haired clean face man was Gywender, and Will was the tan skinned, brown eyed bleached haired young man close to her age. Blane was also there, a smirk on his face, his brown choppy hair combed from the last time she had seen him. The only female in the room was dark skinned, her brown eyes studying Alica and was the last one to introduce herself. "Name's Skyena," she said.

"It's nice to meet you," Alica said.

"Yes, it's nice to finally have another lower agent female to work with. Maybe now the guys will finally stop coming in when I'm bathing," Skyena said with a smile.

Alica laughed. "Maybe. But if you don't mind me asking, why were you the only female lower agent?"

"It's because one of the our leaders is a woman named Greyna. We secretly call her the left hand woman of our ringleader Nao Sol."

"That explains a lot." Alica said. "So where's the food?" At that moment a maid came in with a full cooked bird on a platter.

"Food right here," she called out, placing the bird in the middle of the table. "You hungry?"

"Yes," everyone chorused.

"Then help me get all the food out here," she said. Will and Netro went with her to help out. Everyone else gathered around the table, fighting over who would sit where. Skyena sat herself on Alica's left and Blane on her right. Netro came in with a pot of stew, Will followed with a bowl of mashed potatoes, and a bowl of fresh vegetables. The maid followed, carrying a pitcher of water and lemonade.

"Who is she?" Alica asked Blane, pointing at the maid.

"Peytra, she's the maid of Nao Sol. He lets her come by her every so often to clean the house and fix us food."

"That's generous of him." she commented. He nodded and grabbed the bowl of vegetables. Netro and will sat down, Peytra took out a knife and began slicing the bird, distributing the slices onto everyone's plate. They passed the bowls and pot of stew to everyone, Alica filled her plate full. She ate quietly, listening to everyone joke around and bicker to each other. Too soon plates were empty and everyone was getting ready to leave for bed.

"Is there anyone else I haven't meet?" Alica asked Skyena, helping her pick up the dirty plates.

"Yes, Jacoblyn and Bine are also lower agents but they are currently on a mission," Skyena said, leading Alica into the kitchen and disposing the dirty water into a tub of hot soapy water.

"A mission? What exactly do you do?" Alica asked.

"A variety of things. Everyone here has a specific job that we do for the Rebels. We each have a different talent that they found in us to help them. Like Blane's talent is to be stealthy. Yana, over there, is charisma. Mostly our leaders will find something for us to do and then we gather everyone together, find who's capable of doing it, then plan from there. Bine and Jacoblyn are doing a raid of the Mage House. Jacoblyn can detect magic and Bine is a Master lock-picker. They'll be gone until tomorrow unless something went wrong," Skyena said.

"Interesting," Alica said. "Need help cleaning up?"

Skyena shook her head. "Peytra has it. Let's go to the Meeting Room and get down to business." They walked out of the kitchen and noticed everyone had already left the dining room. Skyena led Alica into the hall, and downstairs to the basement.

In the basement there were an assortment of chairs, couches, and blankets scattered on the floor. "Pick a spot," Netro said from a beat-up couch. Alica went and sat down in battered chair, Skyena near her in a couch next to Will.

"Everyone here?" Blane asked.

"Yes," Gywender said.

"Then let's get started," Blane said, pulling out a tablet. "Who goes first?"

"I will," Will said, standing up. "The King is rumored to be moving his troops out of Thylam to the border of Kye. He seems to be planning to invade Cornate. There's an estimate of 50,000 soldiers camping on the border of Kye." Will sat down.

"Good, anyone else?" Blane said.

Netro stood up. "I found out the King's Mages are turning against each other for the spot of Top Mage. Which is making them weak. " He also sat down when he finished talking.

"I'll inform Carlyon as soon as possible." Blane said.

Skyena spoke up. "I've heard the amount of Guards stationed in the castle has doubled. It's been heard it's because of our last attack. We seem to have scared the King. He also has a 100 gold reward for any information about the attack." There was gasps and a low whistle when she said that.

"Well, that's an interesting development," Blane said, when things calmed down. "I'll have all this information brought over to Petnelo as soon as Bine and Jacoblyn come back to report."

"Any questions?" he asked.

It was quiet. "Okay, time to hit the sack. Tomorrow should be a busy day."

Slowly, everyone got up and said good night. Skyena and Alica said good night to the men and walked back upstairs to their room. "Well," Alica said. "I really enjoy being here already."

Skyena laughed. "Just wait until you actually start working then you'll be wishing you had a different job."

"Why?"

"What we do is nerve-wrecking and can sometimes be dangerous."

"Hmm..." Alica thought. "Good night," she said out loud.

'Night," Skyena said.

They laid down on their cots and Alica heard Skyena fall asleep. Today had been a good day, she thought, laying on her side. And tomorrow will be even more amazing. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.
(I'll post more but only by requests.)