Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
A Young Survivor
Too many young lives going too waste.
Too many young lives already wasted.
Too confused to fight the world, to weak to fight themselves.
Their hands still cold, because loneliness is not a sickness, it's life.
Who is there when a young soul can't survive in the dark, even though it burns a big beautiful red fire?
Who is there, when a young woman is lying on a snow white bed in a clinical room, even though she is everything the world needs?
Who is there, when a young man empties a glass with no water even though his mom loves him?
I'm there, I promise, I'll be there.
Who is there when young souls know nothing but loneliness?
Who is there when young souls have no future?
Who is there when a young woman is there, alone.....?
Maybe she is stupid. Maybe she is naive. Because karma isn't real.
And she knows.
But she is just keeping herself warm, when blowing into glowing ashes.
A young survivor.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Arouet and I'm here to review your poem as just as I can.
firstly, wow, very well written poem. I can see the amount of experience you have by how carefully you chose every word.
Secondly, I'm not entirely sure what the end of the poem is supposed to be. I understand that the first three quarters of the poem are about being there for the youth who are alone, have become lost and who unfortunate. What I don't understand at the end is why you're supposedly focusing on one woman/girl. Am I perhaps missing something? If I am could you elaborate on it a bit?
Also, this little part here "alone.....?" it's punctuation is wrong, there is no situation that calls for 5 periods. A pause is called an ellipses and it signifies an indefinite pause. You as the writer should indicate with the next few words and sentences how long the pause was. Also an ellipses only has three dots (...) in case you didn't know.
Other than that it was a brilliant poem and well thought out, I wish you the best of luck on your future work.
Keep it up!
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Also, welcome to YWS! I hope your time here will be enjoyable, and I'm also glad that I get to be your first review! I hope it's helpful!
To start, I'd like to say that I'm glad you took the chance and tried to put this extremely emotional topic into words. It can be hard to get your feelings together in a way that other people understand and enjoy reading.
Now, while this was a good first attempt at getting everything together, I do have a few suggestions that I think could make this poem even better. First, just a little grammar thing. In line four you say "... to weak to fight themselves." The first "to" should be "too". Also, in the first line you capitalized "A Young Survivor" but at the end of the poem you didn't. I would either capitalize both or de-capitalize both, just for continuity's sake.
Now, onto my other suggestions. The thing about this poem that I would like to see adjusted most would be its structure. You could split up some of your longer lines to make them shorter, perhaps at comma breaks or other natural pauses, which would make the poem seem a little a easier to read in, at least in my opinion. If you do this, then I would also suggest grouping the lines into stanzas. Put the lines that seem to go together, that sort of seem like just one thought, together into a stanza.
I also suggest putting all the "Who is there" lines together, and moving the line that says "I'm there, I promise, I'll be there" to afterwards. The "Who is there" lines seem more like one thought, so in my mind should all be together.
Finally, I was a little confused at the end of your poem. Who is the "she" you're writing about? I can't tell if it is the narrator or the victim. I would add a few lines to make that clearer, or at least adjust a few words.
Anyways, good work with this poem! I see a lot of potential in your writing, keep it up.
herbgirl