Wolfe

Tara Sanders confidently walked through the halls of Lay breeze Prepatory school in lay breeze, North Carolina. Before her first class, she stopped only at her locker to retrieve the books for her first class where she was confronted by Lily Shorter, a petite freshman. Not in the mood to talk Tara closed her locker. “Hi Lily”, Tara exclaimed with false cheerfulness in her voice the short haired girl smiled, “Welcome back Tara”. It was the first day of school and everyone was calmly getting caught up with their very much missed friends. Tara flashed a quick smile and was about to walk off when she was almost blinded by the amount of energy this small girl gave off, the girl was obviously happy. Lily touched her shoulder lightly, “Are you ok?" Tara managed a nod but the truth was that she was filled with a sudden urge to breathe in deeply. That how most werewolves got power or strength? Yes, the small animals they ate satisfied them but energy……… real human energy was better than any animal. Tara jerked her shoulder away with one swift movement and headed down the hall to anywhere but where such a small girl had such a huge control over her. Then, suddenly out of the corner of her eye she caught a glint of sunlight, Or rather hair……..very familiar hair.

Logan? She breathed knowing he couldn’t hear her telepathically. Only bonded pairs could do that. “Hey babe I -” but he didn’t get to finish because in almost unconscious Tara fell into his waiting arms.

Logan White's mind raced as he tried to figure out what to do. Clearly his beautiful and well...definitely not innocent girlfriend had had an energy relapse. At that thought he thought of a solution.
Charlotte? , He thought searching for an answer out of another member of is pack, the one he was bonded to.
What? She finally said annoyed he'd interrupted her in this way. Where’s Drew? Tara’s in trouble and I need his help!
He could feel Charlotte's emotions as she thought this over. She laughed shortly before disconnecting from Logan's mind altogether, he cursed.
And then they were flying, well not literally flying but running as fast as Logan's could to the place where this unconscious werewolf busty would go unnoticed -The Woods-.

Charlotte Brimson had been talking to a boy who was one grade below her, very cute, and letting off quite a bit of satisfying energy when she got the distressed thought from Logan. Of course it took a lot of energy she didn't have to drop the thought and she was already overdue of her last power surge so with no choice she answered. While listening she reached out for the boy’s hand-Ethan she thought it was-and immediately energy being flowed into her. When she'd had enough she heard Logan say Tara needed help and to get her twin brother drew. Yeah yeah the bonded pairs crap! God, I wish I was human she thought to herself careful not to let Logan here. She dropped the boys hand and walked off bittersweet. Not at all fazed by the hurt look Ethan gave her.

Hey,

First off I really appreciate the different take on werewolves, because the idea of werewolves has been around for a long time.

There were a few grammatical errors.

“' Hi Lily ”. Tara...'" When writing dialogue, the period always goes on the inside of quotation marks.
"The short haired girl smiled ,"welcome back Tara ”." The same thing happened here, and also the "W" should be capitalized.

Also you should differentiate with the thoughts and just normal sentences. You can do this by putting the thoughts in italics.

-Jadefox

Good effort, but here's a few tips:

“Hi Lily.” (punctuations always go inside quotes, and there's no need to space between quotes and words)
The short haired girl smiled. "Welcome back Tara.” (same thing as above, and in the case of "smiled," commas before quotes are usually used when the speaker is doing an action that involves speaking. Example: The brown haired girl called, "Ready or not, here I come!")
...and headed down the hall to anywhere where such a small girl had such a huge control over her. (I don't quite understand this sentence, maybe there's just a misplaced word or I'm completely missing it?)
Where's Drew? Tara's in trouble and I need his help!
He could feel Charlotte's emotions as she thought this over. She laughed shortly before disconnecting from Logan's mind altogether, he cursed. (space out your sentences and commas)
{italics here}God, I wish I was human,{italics here} she thought to herself (when a character is in thought, try using italics to differentiate between inner thoughts and outer action and words)
She dropped the boys hand and walked off bittersweet, not at all fazed by the hurt look Ethan gave her. (no need for two sentences here)

The story seems a little rushed. Try developing the characters a little more and describing the scenes so the reader can get a picture of the story in their head. Hopefully I was of help, and good luck. ^^

Ok please exuse these typos it's not coming out right every time I edit it. If you'll wait patiently them I can probably fix this in no time.





Thank you, Missy Denise