Published October 18, 2008
Your skin is soft supple and youthful.
You must have been sent upon wings of a dove,
For you resemble Aphrodite the Goddess of love.
With a hidden talent which proves deadly and useful.
The Intricacy of your secrecy lures me with knowing sin,
As I peel back the layers to reveal the beauty within.
Now standing before me naked and bare,
I lay waiting for your further instruction
An unsuspecting love struck fool I fell for your seduction.
like prey fallen into a deadly Trap
I have been put under your spell,
As you guide me forth into your open lap
My fate is sealed, an eternity in hell
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140,653 Literary Works • 673,582 Reviews
You asked me to honestly review your poems, so I came to check them out...
This happened to be the first one I read.
While there may be some things to fix, and even if others didn't like it, I thought this was good. True, the last line didn't seem to go with the rest of the poem, but that is easily fixable. I did like this, though and I will go to read some of your others (hopefully I'll be of more help on those... heehee)
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Your skin is soft supple and youthful. <Supple reminds me of a pregnant woman>
You must have been sent upon wings of a dove, <Try not using a "to be" verb here>
For you resemble Aphrodite the Goddess of love. <No need to say 'the Goddess of love' as this is assumed>
With a hidden talent which proves deadly and useful. <Very True, Indeed!>
The Intricacy of your secrecy lures me with knowing sin, <Nice>
As I peel back the layers to reveal the beauty within. <Nice>
<Not a bad opening at all>
Now standing before me naked and bare, <A nice allusion to Aphrodite>
You seem quite shy as i stare. <Not at all an Aphrodite characteristic>
Like an unsuspecting love struck fool I fell for your seduction. <Comma after 'fool' and 'I'>
I have been put under your spell, <Nice allusion toward witchery (i.e. Pandora)>
And now obediently awaiting for your instruction. <Perhaps, a little too suggestive>
Why have you sentenced me to an eternity in hell? <Quite a spin>
<Dud of an ending>
I think you need to do some revision. Particularly to the end since you describe a beautiful woman but then very abruptly introduce a new topic in the final verse. I suggest anding another verse to further this idea. It seems unfinished.
God no, not more moralizing. My mind grows weary under the pressure of the constant preaching of morality that i get from all sides day to day. Now it has infiltrated this website. Christ Almighty, I simply wish that people would just let the flesh alone, free from thoughts of Hell and God.
But now that my ranting is done with I would like to congratulate you on your competent wording and skillful structure,
Here I am, Misinturpreted, at your request. Hopefully I can be of some help
Well, I found this to be really good!
I'm sorry that this isn't much help...hopefully it helps a little!
Okay I will do!
thanks again!
Thanks for listening, but remember, I could always be wrong on stuff so pick and choose what people say. The only grammatical suggestion I gave you that I am not 100 percent sure on is the semi-colon (;), so if you want you can turn that into a comma.
Once again, great job on the poem and if you ever want someone to read something of yours before you post it, or need some help, PM me.
Thank you! i appreciate your reply I was beginning to feel like maybe this was another Kak poem of mine LOL
kak (crap, shit , really bad lol)
Well you have A point there i was going to try and split it up into 2 stanzas thanks now I will
and yeah right about line 6 seems good
okay will destroy the word "many" lol
thanks again
Grammar Fixes and Such
Your skin is soft supple and youthful.
You must have been sent upon wings of a dove;
For you resemble Aphrodite the Goddess of love.
With a hidden talent which proves deadly and useful.
The Intricacy of your secrecy lures me with knowing sin,
As I peel back the many layers to reveal the beauty within.
Now standing before me naked and bare,
You seem quite shy as i stare.
Like an unsuspecting love struck fool I fell for your seduction.
I have been put under your spell,
And now obediently awaiting for your instruction.
Why have you sentenced me to an eternity in hell?
Those are just the small little grammatical errors you probably don't care about at all, but o well.
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The poem is very good and very deep. There are only a few changes I would make. In line 6, I would take out the word many. I would also split the poem into 2 stanzas for organizational purposes, and my suggestion for that would be after line 6.
Overall very well done with a very nice last line. Also, lines 2 & 3 flow very nicely.