cpt.1 (no title yet)

Take away all color, all sound and all emotion. Then theres nothing left in the world. This thought has been going through Willows mind since the day she lost her sister. Her father’s life had been taken from him when he was serving in The American Civil War apart of the Union. Her sister’s life had been taken from her in 2001 when the World Trade Center had been attack. she had been on that plane, and Willow's own life was taken about a year later when she was captured and put in a cell 6 feet under.

Take away all color, all that’s left is black. Take away all sound, and all thats left is the deafing silence. Take away all emotion, she feels nothing anymore, no pain, no hate, no love, no sorrow. All she has now is time. Eternity of time, until someone kills her, by a stake in her heart.

On September 18 1845 willow was conceived. To her mother, Adriane Rivera, and her father, Andy Rivera. They lived in Delaware, on a small plantation. Two years later her sister Kristina was born on January, 3,and that is when her family lost their mother by disease. They mourned for months, but they moved on with life, with a heavy feeling in their hearts.

In 1860 Willows father had gone to war. Her sister and her were left alone on the small plantation taking care of each other. Both of them were very beautiful. They were able to cheer anyone up, or able to scare anyone away. They could look at one thing and make it into another. They were able to make anything beautiful. Kristina was always more open with her beauty until she finally found the one she loved.

His name was Thomas Brown. He was part of the government system they had. What she didn’t know is that he was one of the 13 people who were the living dead. The night he was going to ask her to marry him, she had walked in on him while he was feeding on one of her elementary friends. She had been horrified, and she had tried to run, but she didn’t make it. He captured her, but did not change her, because he said he didn’t want her to have the same fate that he was already destined for.

Willow had heard that her sister was captured, and she went to find her. She went to Thomas’s house and no one was there. She ran to the church and only the priest and a couple of the nuns were there. She thought of all the places Kristina had said that Thomas had taken her. Then she remembered one day when Kristina had came home crying. She said it had been because Thomas had yelled at her about going down to the basement, or at least trying.

She ran back to Thomas’s house and went to what she thinks is the basement door. She opened it and was welcome to a flight of stairs. She could hear Thomas’s voice. So she hurried down the stairs, to find that it twisted into a hall. The hall had three doors, she wasn’t a big fan of creepy halls that looked like they haven’t been cleaned, nor walked through for centuries, but she had to find her sister. She listened into door one and didn’t hear anything, only a couple of rats scurrying around. Willow went to door two and heard chains rattling around. She thought they might had have Kristina chained up.

Once she finally unlatched the latch that was across the door, and slowly pride it open. It was dark to dark for her to see anything, so she looked back in the hall and grabbed a candle that was sitting on a small ledge next to the door. Once she turned around she saw a boy laying, chained to the floor.

“Hello, are you ok?” She said as she hesitantly walking closer.

“Sto.. stoppp” He said murmuring.

“Are you ok?” She asked, still walking closer, not listening to his warning.

“ STOPP!” He said growling deep in his throat, and thrashing at her, making the chains rip him back towards the wall with a crash.

Once he did he looked at her for the first time since she opened his cell, and she saw all the scars and burns going down his bare chest and up his neck; stopping just below his jaw bone. Then she looked at his face, and she saw his coal black eyes, and his razor sharp dents acérées. She backed up against the wall in the hallway and shuddered. The boy thrashed against the chains trying to get to her, but they kept a hold of him.

She thought to herself, ‘he must be sick, or he would be able to break through those chains like twigs.’

She re-latched the door and went to the third door, but instead of going in, she leaned against the wall to catch her breath and to remember what she was there for.

‘I have to save Kristina. I have to save Kristina, or Thomas, and his gang will get to her.’

She went to the last door, and she could hear people talking, then from the quiet whisper it once was, it became a frenzy of voices. The door started to open, and she grabbed her mouth to surpress the scream that was about to escape from her mouth. She watched the person started to come out the door, but he stopped and turned back around into the room. Willow let her breath out slowly, and slip over to the darkened corner to her right.

She watched the person grab something off a small wooden table. The person turned back out the door into the hall, and from the little light coming from room, and the a couple candles, from the back of the hall. She could hardly see that it was a man, only because of certain areas that weren’t there, and that he was about mid-age. She caught her breath deep in her throat as he turned and started down the hall. She saw him start up the stairs; so she released her breath and slid to the other side of the hall. Willow snuck around the door, and saw a group of people in the back of the room all huddled around a table. She looked around the room and on the other side she saw her sister tied up to a chair.

She slid across the wall farthest from them, and she noticed that Kristina was knocked out. She looked at Thomas and her gang and noticed that they were looking at some old scrolls and most of them were staring angrily at the other, mostly they were staring at Thomas.

She got to her sister and started to shake her to wake her up, but as she shook her the chains rattled and the vampires on the other side of the room, stopped there bickering and looked towards Kristina and herself.

“Willow you should have just minded your own business, and stayed away from this place. Do you honestly think I would hurt the women that my besy friend loved?” One of Thomas gang members said stepping toward her. Thomas then looked at him and put an arm against his chest. Willow moved to stand in front of her sister.

“Kristina will be safe from any plan you have for her, nor shall she share the same plan that we are all going towards Zetae.” Thomas said staring down at the man he calls Zetae. “but as for you, Willow, you I know will be a huge threat to me and my kind, unlike your sister, you are special, and you have great power within you.” Thomas said as he started walking toward her.

She started backward, until she hit a wall, and she looked into Thomas eyes. They were jet black and showed no feeling. He came forward until she could feel his breath on her face. She looked into his eyes once more and willow swore she saw a speak of hope. Hope for what, she did not know, but she knew it was hope.

He stepped forward once more and his cheek was up against her own.

“I promise you Willow, and you may trust my promise, as the man your sister fell in love with, that I will not do anything to harm or hurt you.”

With those words Thomas closed the space in between them, and he grabbed her around the waist, he put his mouth to her throat, and with a moment of hesitation, he bit down with an unexpected pinch as his dents acérées went through her flesh into her life lines.

There was no pain, there was no sounds, no sight, nothing. She felt or heard nothing, and then she woke. In another place then where she was, her head was clouded, as was her sight, but then it all cleared and she remembered Kristina chained to a chair, in Thomas’s basement. She remembered Thomas, the gang, and the guy named Zetaes. Willow then remembered Thomas coming closer, and his words; Then nothing.

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Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Wed Jan 02, 2008 7:03 am

Hey there Misconcept, and welcome to YWS.

Onto my critique.

Take away all color, all sound and all emotion. What else is left in the world?


This is only the start of the piece, and already you are asking a question. This is redundant. Obviously, what would follow would be answers related to that question, right? The content of the question is a good hook, but since the rest is going to be answered eventually, this question would soon become inferior to the actual answer to the question. I would suggest rephrasing the above into a sentence. It will define what the novel is about, and it won't be as predictable as to what was following if it was in sentence form.

Her father’s life had been taken from him when he was serving in The American Civil War apart of the Union, her sister’s life had been taken from her in 2001 when the World Trade Center had been attack she was on that plane, and her own life was taken about a year later, and she was captured and put in a cell 6 feet under.


Run on sentence. You can split this up into individual sections, allowing for a more fludic and conscise read.

Take away all color, all that’s left is black, take away all sound, all that’s left is the sound of the dripping water from the celling.


There should be a full stop in front of black instead of a comma. The bit "Take away all color, all that's left is black", I think it needs to be more specific as color is viewed in different ways. I would leave it as it is though, since it should be somewhat obvious.

Now if you take away all sound, then you wouldn't even hear the sound of dripping water, as dripping water is also a sound. If you are using it as a metaphoric statement as to the house being dead silent save the sound of dripping water from the roof, then you need to reword the sentence. Right now, it contradicts somewhat.

She went to Thomas’s house and no one was there. She ran to the church and only the priest and acouple of the nuns were there


A couple, not acouple. It's two separate words.

The hall had three doors, she wasn’t a big fan of creepy halls, that looked like they haven’t been cleaned, nor walked through for centuries, but she had to find her sister.


The hall had three doors. She wasn't a big fan of creey halls that looked like they haven't been cleaned, nor walked through for centuries, but she had to find her sister.

She listened into door one and didn’t hear much, only acouple of rats, it sounded like, scurrying around.


She listened into the door one and didn't hear anything, save for the sound of a couple of rats scurrying around.

Willow went to door two, and heard, acouple chains rattling around, she though they may have Kristina chained up.


Willow went to door two and heard chains rattling around. She thought they might had have Kristina chained up.

There is no point for using the words "a couple" again. It is obvious that there were several chains if the word "chain" is in plural form.

“hello, are you ok?” she said as she hesitantly walking closer.


The "h" in the word "hello" should be a capital. The "s" in "she' should be a capital too.

“sto.. stoppp” he said murmuring.
“are you ok?” she asked, still walking closer, not listening to his warning.


Same rule as above.

“ STOPP!” he said growling deep in his throat, and thrashing at her, making the chains rip him back towards the wall, with a crash.


No comma in front of wall.

She backed up against the wall in the hallway, and shuddered.


No comma in front of "hallway".

The door started to open, and she grabbed her mouth with both her hands, as she watched the person started to come out the door, but he stopped and turned around; im guessing forgetting something.


Another run on. And what's with the part "I'm guessing forgetting something"? When did you came into the story?

I let my breath out slowly, and slip over to the darkened corner to my right.


This is the only first person perspective based sentence that I see in this piece. I suggest that you keep your perspective consistent so that it won't confuse the reader. "Slip" should be in past tense.

The person turned back out the door into the hall, and from the little light coming from room, and the acouple candles, from the back of the hall.


Another run on sentence. And again with the "acouple" thing. -.-

She caught her breath deep in her throat, as he turned and started down the hall.


No comma in front of "throat".

She saw him start up the stairs so she released her breath she slid to the other side of the hall way, and snuck around the door, there was a group of people in the back of the room all huddled around a table.


Another run one sentence. It's also grammatically incorrect.

“Willow you should have just minded your own business, and stayed away from this place. Now you will share the same fate as your sister.”


This piece of dialogue is a bit cliche. How many times have you heard the phase "Now you will share the same fate as (insert person that the person is addressing here)" been used in literature and other art forms? Original aye?

one of Thomas gang members said stepping toward her.


You missed the capital letter at the start of this sentence.

Thomas then looked at him and put an arm against his chest, and Willow stood in front of her sister.


You used "and" twice. Reword it with only one "and".

“Kristina will not share any fate you plan to give her, nor shall she share the same fate that we are all destined for Zetae.”


Also a bit cliche. Fate and destiny are quite overused in dialogues throughout the art forms. I was hoping for something more original.

They were jet black, and showed no feeling.


No comma in front of black.

She Remembered Thomas, and there gang, and the guy named Zetaes. Willow then remembered Thomas coming closer, and his words.. Then nothing.


The 'r" in "remembered" should be lower case. You used "and" twice again. Also, you have two full stops.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm, this was ok. I was put off with the info dump about the characters that you did for a few paragraphs. Though the content of it was interesting, it was also a bit boring to read through. I suggest that you somehow work it with the characters and what was happening. Show, don't tell.

I'm actually somewhat interested in your characters. They seem promising, but I couldn't relate to them as strongly as I had hoped, mainly because you told more than showed. If you had showed them more, such as actions and how their deeper emotions of the situation at hand, then they would had been pretty gangster.

It's a shame the dialogue was somewhat cliche. Hence, they don't seem to fit with the characters and it makes them feel like cookie cut out, which I believe they are not.

Plot wise, this is pretty intriguing, and I would like to see where this would go. I like how you work vampires into a modern setting and I am keen as to where this would go. However, please don't tell, but instead, show more.

You also need more descriptions and use the five senses more. It was somewhat hard for me to picture what was happening, and that comes back to the "show, don't tell" rule.

Overall, this was ok, and I am somewhat interested as to where this would go.

Hope my critique helped and feel free to PM me if you have questions regarding this critique.

Andy.



I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe