Cuts.

This was great! I love the descriptive langauge and the way it is vauge but in a good way!

That had so much depth to it! It's like one of those prose that you could read it a million times and still take something original from it.
I have to say that it was very amazing the colors, the sizes , the italicized. It was truly remarkable,

Here's my favorite part:

"Don't you feel a bit hot? There's probably going to be very heavy rainfall in a few. Breathe in. It's a bit intoxicating, isn't it? Like petrol? Yes, like petrol. It seeps in with an assurance, like you're deserving of a reason to be in this world, to feel beyond the mayhem. It makes me smile. You make me smile. I love you."

Love is probably the soft burn around the scar he made on your right cheek. Or sitting in his front yard and watching the smoke rise from the cigarette you both have been smoking. It's the leap your heart makes, while pretending to read, at the thought of he's here.

The fact that he defines the pain that shoots through, somewhere between sweetness and hurt, every time your fingers come in contact with his; the heartbeat that alters the existing rhythm, similar but different, it spells out his name.

And you watch; you watch the flowers on your bedside table as the seasons go by.

You watched him too. You watched him burn that house down and you couldn't help but smile.

He said come here next to me. He said he'll lie beside you in your tomb.

You made cuts in yourself for the memories. And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab. Because the last time it rained, he loved you.

You wore his jacket. His knuckles smelled of blood and ash, but ah, the jacket; it disorientated your senses.

But the flowers dry, they're stuck in your throat, they choke you. Or is it your heart, or is it his?

----


"It seems like it's going to rain soon, the wedding better end fast."

Or maybe this is love. Watching him insert the ring on her finger, making the vows, smiling now because he has her.

And maybe this is what love does; takes the breath right out of you, leaving you with nothing at all.

This is such a great piece. I know everyone who's been reviewing this has said the same thing too
You've managed to make it dark and intense while also not straying away from the facts which define the relationship of this couple. A very well-written story, this. And being so short, it packs even a bigger punch. Nice work!

Wow, like wow!!!!!

Pretty rad there

Bonsoir,

While this is very righ and classic, it makes too little of sense at times. At times you should have been more clear. Personally{sp?}, I like the fact that you made it complex. Though, unfortunately, not everyone does. Not everyone can enjoy the complexity; they enjoy simplicity. However, on the note of your spoiler, the length of this piece has no significance. I think, just this once, the shortness of this is the most intriging part. This may be the one time where shortness is actually a beneficial factor, instead of the latter{sp?} effect. Oh, and your language! Just darling and endearing, I loved it. Now, on to something I most certainly wanted to point out and ask about.

[quote]Love is probably the soft burn around the scar he made on your right cheek.[/quote

How the heck is this love? Is the girl too obliviou like how she was with the jacket and the smell of his knuckles? Or is it something else. Because before I got to the mention of the smell of his knuckles, I was greatly troubled by how confused I got. Maybe I later connected the dots, maybe I didn't. Say I didn't, how am I supposed to understand? How am I supposed to get this description of their love? Say I did, though. That would be wonderful for you, me, everyone! Well, good job and keep doing what you do!

Farewell,
-A.

I must say, I rather enjoyed this. Like, A LOT It was very short and to the point and it had such great imagery, despite its few words. I like that you didn't give them names. I don't know why I've always loved that, when authors don't name their characters. It's just kind of cool. Anyways, I also liked the simple things in it, like smoking the same cigarette and wearing his jacket. Very cool. I disagree with you in your spoiler; I think it's very creative and not too cliche. All in all, very lovely piece. I have no complaints. I haven't read anything in awhile on YWS and this was the first one I checked out in a long time. You made my night

Cheers,
Luxe

Whenever prose features I am inclined to read it, and for the most part I wonder why it is featured at all. This vignette, if I can call it that, is pretty damn clich%uFFFD isn't it? Stock fall of worn lines and the same old fluff you common to work of this nature. Rather predictable and trite, too. I do see why this featured though, it is well written and it is short, and that is usually enough. There is something at the heart of it, though it is rather watered down. Something almost mute, seems to resound, but I doubt I will lose sleep over it. It's a sweet little romp, then we move on.

But, like I said, the writing is decent. I must commend you on that at least.

Whenever prose features I am inclined to read it, and for the most part I wonder why it is featured at all. This vignette, if I can call it that, is pretty damn cliché isn't it? Stock fall of worn lines and the same old fluff common to work of this nature. Rather predictable and trite, too. I do see why this featured though, it is well written and it is short, and that is usually enough. There is something at the heart of it, though it is rather watered down. Something almost mute, seems to resound, but I doubt I will lose sleep over it. It's a sweet little romp, then we move on.

But, like I said, the writing is decent. I must commend you on that at least.

One word(bcuz I'm lazy -as usual):

BRILLIANT!!!!!!

o.0
I really, really like this - a lot >.<
Someone said further up - it is very vague, but that's what makes it so intresting, because there's a different range a possibilities of what it could be about, I mean I know I thought it was about some sort of abusive relationship, but she loved him anyway.
Anyway - carry on writing.
Geronimo <3

Ahh, depressing yet beautiful... Just the way I like them Its hard to describe the way I want to describe your story so I'm just going to say I love it!

You get it. I don't know it this has any personal experience tied to it, and if it doesn't, then I'm truly impressed. I couldn't wait to read the next line, the next, line, the next line. I was captivated from beginning to end. You really managed to tie so much raw emotion and feeling and God knows what else into a few short paragraphs. I love it so much. You're amazing! Thanks for contributing to the goodness of the human race.

~Jess

Ok, I'm no romance story expert, but I like it. It was well thought up and beautifully written. It makes you think really deeply about love. What is true love? The words 'I love you,' and being hurt numerous times, or the actions of a ring on your finger and wedding vows?
Great job with this story!

First off, as I have had many heartbreaks, I totally loved this. It tells an amazing short story about heartbreak (i think?) and even though i might not get it fully, i still loved it. the way you created imagery, your use of the words. you can picture things from this story in your mind as you read it, and i feel like this is the oppisite of "Speak now" by taylor swift... except in your story the person doesnt get the guy. I love love loved it!! please reveiw my poem! thnx!
~Rosey

Love love love it!!!! What more is there to say?!

Nice!

Great job, to start off with.

I don't think even a dictionary can describe love, although it is there in words. Maybe no one really knows what love is, but I really admire how you put in a whole bunch of examples of what love could be, of the feelings it gives you, of the way it can be shown to others. And how when you love someone and just have to watch them love someone else, it completely tears you up.
I think you could be more clear on what exactly it is that the guy burned a house down for? why the girl was in rehab?

But i thought it was cute how you said:
[/quote]You made cuts in yourself for the memories. And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab. Because the last time it rained, he loved you.

You wore his jacket. His knuckles smelled of blood, but ah, the jacket; it disorientated your senses.
[/quote]
this was great. Showed everything she felt all at the same time, and its just words all in the same.

Truly remarkable

Great job, to start off with.

I don't think even a dictionary can describe love, although it is there in words. Maybe no one really knows what love is, but I really admire how you put in a whole bunch of examples of what love could be, of the feelings it gives you, of the way it can be shown to others. And how when you love someone and just have to watch them love someone else, it completely tears you up.
I think you could be more clear on what exactly it is that the guy burned a house down for? why the girl was in rehab?

But i thought it was cute how you said:
[/quote]You made cuts in yourself for the memories. And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab. Because the last time it rained, he loved you.

You wore his jacket. His knuckles smelled of blood, but ah, the jacket; it disorientated your senses.
[/quote]
this was great. Showed everything she felt all at the same time, and its just words all in the same.

Truly remarkable

Hi there!
This is rather short, but I'll see what I can comment on and hopefully it helps ^^ Let's go!

Yes, like petrol. It seeps in with an assurance, like you're deserving of a reason to be in this world, to feel beyond the mayhem.

And you carved his name on the misty window of the rehab.

Watching him insert the ring in her finger

The description originally feels random, but eventually it all relates in a great story. It's amazing how you can tell a good story in so few words and still create emotion.

Loved the story. Your language is great and it all flows very well. It is also quite vague, yet in a good way. It leaves the reader space to imagine who these people are and what their relationship is really like. I do have one suggestion for you about your use of commas. There are a few places where you could maybe be using periods instead of commas. For example here;

The fact that he defines the pain that shoots through, somewhere between sweetness and hurt, every time your fingers come in contact with his; the heartbeat that alters the existing rhythm, similar but different, it spells out his name.

love love love love love love it:D:D:D
<3 <3 <3