On Monday
You avoided my gaze.
Pushed me away.
Left me in a daze.
On Tuesday
you hovered around close.
Gave me a smile.
Even said "Hello."
A winding stream
is hard to follow.
My hopes and dreams
are becoming more hollow.
My eyes
are tired from reading.
My heart
is tired from searching.
Let's stop here.
I want answers.
No wait,
I'm not sure I want to hear.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like this poem because I can relate to it in a way, some guys are so weird. Anyway, you rhyme almost all the way through, I don't know about you but I love rhyming! So you may want to try and rhyme through all of it. I love your third paragraph, it's extremely deep.
You might want to replace the second 'tired' in the fourth paragraph with 'withered' or something, just to make it a little more interesting. The fact that the person is confused gives something for the reader to relate to which I think is a good way you kept them engaged. And try to work on the flow of the poem
After your third paragraph the power of the poem seems to cease, fixing that would make this poem more awesome.
Your poem is a bit short, which isn't bad at all, I'd just like to read more! XD
This is only my opinion though, what I recommend may not be the best way to go, so good luck!
From Em.
Hey Mirasol! Dogs here with your review today! I really like this poem. It is simple, short, and easy. You have a simple idea and get it across perfectly, and while you do that it opens up a hundred other questions for the reader that you leave un-answered, which in this case is a good thing. Right now we think what is the problem? Why are you being pushed away? So this piece has very strong descriptive writing. Personally I lean a little more in the imagery and emotional aspect of things but you pulled off the description very well. Looks like insanity really already covered everything else so I really don't have much of anything left to say except... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
ooooo! I like this, especially the way it's written like a schedule from day to day.
Hello doesn't quite rhyme with close, and since you rhymed very nicely in the stanza before that, it makes it sound sort of awkward and forced.
I thought it a little strange that you stopped going from day to day after tuesday, and just sort of went on to something else.
I would just scratch the word 'more'. It doesn't really need it and it makes that line too wordy.
If your going to cut out the rhyme scheme, try using some bigger vocab than 'reading' and 'searching'.
The ending was a little odd, not exactly the sort of 'pow' I was looking for. If you revise this and fix it up a bit, it could definitely be something worthwhile
Ha, I liked it. Is it about, like, this guy you love but hes confusing you by reacting different each day? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.
Anyways, I liked it. Even though it was simple I thought it was good because it got the point across. Also, poems can be simple, so it's fine.
"On Monday
You avoided my gaze.
Pushed me away.
Left me in a daze.
On Tuesday
you hovered around close.
Gave me a smile.
Even said "Hello.""
I like those two stanzas the best, mainly because when I read them I figured out the plot, so I think they help clarify things, as well as start the story off well.
Overall, nice job, and keep writing.