Fangirl Minds

by Mirasol
  • December 25, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Spoiler! :
To my Superstar: Show Luo Zhi Xiang


When you look
What do you see?
All I see
is you looking at me.
Those shining stars
you have for eyes;
I think about them
in bed every night.
Your every move,
Your every word,
means so much
it seems absurd.
My love is pure
My love is true
but there are others
out there too,
Who think alike;
Sometimes we fight
Sometimes we unite.
But what am I to you?
When you look
what do you see?
All I see is you looking at me;
on my TV;
a one-sided screen.

Comments & reviews · 1
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AlfredSymon
Review
AlfredSymon wrote a review · Wed Dec 28, 2011 3:08 am

Hi Mirasol, so let me hit you with a Quick Critique!

I wonder why there are lesser and lesser people giving reviews everyday. Maybe because of the lack of pointing system. Nevertheless, let me critique your work!

Concept & Message: :D :D :D :?
You made this poem in response to your fanaticism over someone. I know a lot of people who are fans of another, and so giving relation to these people gives you a point :) . I also like that you added a personal touch in it because it tells about you as a person.

Technicalities: :D :D :) :?
Let me give you a comprehensive one:

When you look #FF0000 ">Where?
What do you see? #FF0000 ">Don't capitalize
All I see
is you looking at me. #0000FF ">I like this!
Those shining stars
you have for eyes; #0000FF ">Figurative language, good!
I think about them
in bed every night.
Your every move,
Your every word, #FF0000 ">Capitalization again!
means so much
it seems absurd. #FF0000 ">I really didn't feel the emotion here! It's a bit static...
My love is pure
My love is true #0000FF ">Now this is emotion...by a bit
but there are others
out there too,
Who think alike; #FF0000 ">Don't capitalize! This goes to the next lines!
Sometimes we fight
Sometimes we unite.
But what am I to you?
When you look
what do you see?
All I see is you looking at me;
on my TV;
a one-sided screen. #FF0000 ">I think you used a not-so-good term here

Try to check up on them, I may be the one who's wring! I mean wrong! (See...)

Imagery & Emotion: :D :D :) :?
Dear, I think it needs more imagery and emotion. I didn't exactly feel, in the words, the mood, the yearning, the longing, which was a miss because I really like the message of the poem. Try to add more words, from a more colorful vocabulary, that can amplify your emotion and can also add and image or scenery to the poem and to our imaginations!

Overall: :D :D :D
Just a little more, you're there already! As I've said above, pour in your heart into it! Imagination and emotion! With more love, this can be one of the best poems I've read (well, all nearly are!).

Good luck writing, love.
Al, Quick Critic



Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
— Mark Twain