Published May 18, 2010
His legs lay sprawled against the floor, his back against the wall.
He knew he had always been a disappointment, nothing more, nothing less. Ever since the day he had been born no one liked him. Why else would he have been abandoned at the fire station? His true parents must have hated him, for reasons he could only guess.
Now his adoptive parents were sorry they had adopted him. If they had ever loved him it had only been for a split second.
His life had always gone that way. The first impression was always perfect but the lasting impression always placed him the the trash folder of people's minds.
He had the looks blond hair, sparkly green eyes,and sculpted body but within in him was nothing remarkable.
He was what people called a blank slate, a person with nothing inside. He wasn't even
so lightly clever as to pretend he did.
He had a dry personality and he didn't care. If you talked to him, it was lie talking to the wall except for the occasional "hmmm...hmmmmm"
People would always tell him, "get a life" which he did but didn't know how.
He got up from the wall and began to walk into the street, right down the middle. He didn't turn back, nor did he look forward, or down or to the sides, he just looked up. And he continued that way until he reached the end and had to turn either right or left.
He turned right, and at the next crossroads left, alternating.
When morning came people swerved to avoid him but none yelled out.
They were all enraptured by his face, his ever up-looking face.
It had a light to it. A strange glow.
And he is walking still.
Still getting a life.
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
This is very nice so far! Something that would be kind of cool to add is instead of flat out saying his adopted parents wish they hadn't adopted him, maybe telling a story about them instead and letting the reader realize how his adopted parents feel. It'll hit home a lot more and will also make them feel for your character.
Good job!
Hello and welcome to YWS!
Would sound better as: His legs were sprawled out against the floor; his back was against the wall.
It isn't a very snappy beginning; doesn't really draw me in. You need to throw us right into the action, especially in a short story.
Your Character
Then why should the reader care? What makes this person so amazing that we should read a story about him? Does he have even one redeeming quality? Right now, I'm not sympathizing with this character. I can't relate to him at all. He's exactly how you describe him: blank. Breathe some life into him, give us something we can sympathize with. If we can't relate in some way, then your story won't stick with us.
Plot
Why? What happened? Did he just realize that he could become a tap dancer? Did he see a hot dog stand off in the distance? What changed in this character? Right now, I don't see much of a plot. All I see is background information. Why don't you show us what this guy is going through instead of telling us? Does he make any friends? Who took him in when he was abandoned?
Overall
Your grammar and spelling is near perfect. I also love how you've set up a good background. All you need to do is use this background to create a truly amazing character and story.
I hope I wasn't too harsh. This seriously has potential; it just needs some polishing.
Good luck,
Embee
that was great!!!!!! one problem though, "which he did but didn't know how" (sorry if it's not exact words but u get the gist) you need to be more specific. did he get one but didnt know how he did? did he..well i dont know.
ERANBEAR