Why did I go to that party? I think it was because I had nothing better to do.
I really wish I would’ve had something better to do.
These thoughts rang through Pascal’s head as he lie in bed that morning.
He tried to sit up but was so groggy and tired he had to lie back down instantly. His stomach was churning and he could feel something acidic coming up his throat. He swallowed hard. Looked like he wasn’t getting out of bed today.
He turned over onto his side and saw himself in the mirror, behind the window-crayon scribblings and notes. His eyeliner and coats of mascara were smeared over his drained cheeks and had stained his pillowcase. His lips looked purple and cold around the edges. The bed next to him was empty and well-made in contrast to his heaps of sheets and blankets tied around his body.
He felt his head spinning and started to see splotches of color in his vision. He reached for his cell phone on the nightstand and dialed his brother’s phone number. It took him only half a ring to pick up. Must’ve been a slow day at the bakery.
“Frosting Tears, Pascal speaking.”
“Uh, hi, Pascal,” he said. His voice sounded thick and gurgling, like he was trying to talk underwater. “It’s Pascal.”
“Oh, hey, Pascal. Some party last night, huh? I’ve got to tell you all about it. See, I was with that girl’s sister, Vaiais, and I mean, they looked totally into me, right? They were telling me about this and that, their friend’s almost dying, you know, girl stuff. I got their numbers, though. And also, I walked in there, and-”
“That’s nice, Pascal.” He was constantly keeping up with his brother’s latest romantic endeavors, that usually ended in heartbreak or something equally as debilitating. “Listen, I got really sick.”
“Oh no, Pascal. Don’t tell me you’ve been-”
“I didn’t drink anythi-” He was interrupted by his body lurching forward as he spilled his guts on his bed sheets.”
“Try to clean that out okay?” said Pascal. Sometimes it was so irritating how he could be so rational and insightful. And way too cheerful at such an hour. It was only eleven thirty. “And if you weren’t drinking, what happened?”
“I’m not sure,” he said. He was getting out of bed and wrapped up his quilt, throwing it in the hamper. He flopped down on the opposite bed, careful to place his wastebasket just by his head.
“You get some rest, okay? Drink plenty of water, and that’s an order, from me as your authority and as your brother. And I’ll be home early to take care of you.” With that he hung up the phone.
Pascal did as he was told and took a bottle of water from the refridgerator. It was icy cool and he could only take it in small sips. Then he laid down again and fell soon asleep.
He woke up to a sudden poking in his ear. His older brother was kneeling on the bed next to him, taking his temperature.
He shook his head. “One hundred four? Please tell me you’re joking.”
“I-I’m not…” he said softly. The lights above him hurt his eyes and made his head throb.
“Any higher and we’ve got to get you to the hospital.” He placed the cap on the electronic thermometer and placed it on the nightstand, then dimmed the lights. “Want to watch something?”
“No…”
“Okay, then. I’ve got a date coming to pick me up at quarter to seven.”
“Want me to look presentable?” asked Pascal.
His older brother laughed. “Sure.” He came over to him a minute later from the bathroom with a dripping washcloth, and placed it on his forehead, dampening his hair and watering his flower crown. It was cool and refreshing and helped him to be able to think a bit more clearly. Black drops of eyeliner fell down his face like punk tears.
“It’ll all be okay,” said his brother. “Don’t worry.” Pascal fell back asleep, his mind blurring into colors and shapes and circus tents once more.
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140,698 Literary Works • 673,654 Reviews
Hi Miniskirt, Felistia here with a review on your short story.
Firstly, happy review day.
The story: The story was simple but interesting. I am not sure where you are going to go for here, but again it is the first chapter. You didn't provide a very good hook for the reader at the beginning though and that is probably why it has taken so long for someone to come and give you another review. I would suggest trying to add a hook and a cliff-hanger in the next chapter.
The characters: You described the characters feels rather well, but I didn't really connect to them well, but that is also due to it being the first chapter. You didn't describe what they looked like much though. I would suggest describing them more in the next chapter.
The setting: You described the setting well and I had a clear picture in my minds eye the whole story, which is great. You could make it a little more interesting, but that is your choice.
Problems: I didn't pick up on any grammar of punctuation problems as far as I know.
Over all I liked it. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Hello Miniskirt, steampowered here with a review!
First of all, this was a well-written and intriguing start to the story. I’m particularly interested by the fact both brothers are called Pascal, although as the author I’d be slightly wary of this. It might be a good idea – if both brothers feature in more than one chapter – to perhaps find some way of differentiating them, even if it’s just Older Pascal and Younger Pascal. Otherwise your reader might get totally confused.
Onto a couple of nitpicks:
I know what you meant here, but it doesn’t quite make sense. I would advise changing “I would’ve” – which is clunky and awkward – to “I did have” – so the last sentence is “I really wish I did have something better to do”. Furthermore, this is a thought process, so you should probably italicise it.
This should be “as he lay in bed”.
Depending on how many friends there were, I don’t think this apostrophe should be here. If there’s only one friend, it might be better rephrased to “their friend almost dying”.
This was the one bit I wasn’t sure about. Pascal is serious, then suddenly asks his brother if he wants to watch something. Surely as a responsible older brother he’d be more concerned that his younger brother gets plenty of rest.
To be honest, I spent a fair bit of time trying to work out if the younger Pascal is a part of some subculture or if his fashion tastes are because of some other factor… It’s definitely intriguing though.
This is really interesting, and I keep wondering if this is going to be a later part of the story. Currently, I’m getting the vibe that this is some kind of quirky, semi-fantasy novel in a gritty urban setting, but I might be completely wrong about that, of course.
Hopefully this review helped, and keep writing! Feel free to let me know if you ever need anything else reviewed, and I will be more than happy to help you out.
-steam-
hello, welcome to YWS. Would like to review this later when mind isn't so foggy, so storing it on profile, heheheh.