Published July 14, 2010
Under progress.
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140,638 Literary Works • 673,575 Reviews
Hi there! Here's Esther Sylvester for a review.
I'm just going to get into the meat of things and review your butt off, okay?
You'd be surprised how many books start off with a guy running. There isn't anything interesting about that. The main issue I have with this opener is that you start off in the middle of the action. We don't know who Charlie is, we don't know what he looks like, we don't know why he was in a car or anything. Epilogues are SUPPOSED to inform the reader what is going on, so you fail to accomplish this. Here is a rule for you: Develop the characters before you jump into the action.
Who is Mr. Bing? Lack of description makes the reader stop reading. Also, this sentence is confusing. Revise.
Parenthesis not needed. Just make it a sentence. Also, what would an aritifial soft log be doing in a forest? Make it more believable.
Thoughts look better in italics. The icy pain part is good.
OVERALL:
I like it, but it needs work. First off, whenever a new idea pops up or a new person speaks, make a new paragraph. This block of text is not pretty looking or professional. Second, run this through a spell check. Microsoft Word has a great one so maybe you should invest in it. Your tenses have a tendency to switch, so make sure to stay with one. Read your sentences aloud to make sure they make sense. If it doesn't sound good to your ears, it won't sound good to the reader's.
Your ending was good, so I want to read more. Just make sure to revise this. Hope I helped,
Esther Sylvester
I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but for the love of all that is righteous space your story into paragraphs. Its incredibly hard to read it and its in a muddled pile. I can make anything out to review and it will confuse your readers. When its spaced out, you can PM me to review it for you.
Anger.