Published July 10, 2010
My wily thoughts gives rise to hate,
a hopeless soul who´s forced by fate
trapped inside a world so blind
silent voices fills my mind
A sacred rule is about to break,
the ending depends on wich choice they make.
Saving lives by thee alone,
I wish they used a friendlier tone.
My dreams contain a life so free,
A place where I could truly see.
If I would have the gift of speech,
then my vision would be easier to reach.
Sooner or later it all will be over
and I will find peace in a place down lower.
Hidden lies that no one knows,
Through my heart and soul they flows.
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140,638 Literary Works • 673,575 Reviews
Thank you Abigail_W!
I´m going to post it soon, meantime, I´ll read other poems.
I´m already getting tips about how to write, and I´m Very happy about it!
Milo
Ah, where did the piece go? Maybe a mysterious zombie is stealing all of the YWS posts! Oh no!
(It's more fun than it sounds.)
Welcome to YWS, Milo, and I'll be happy to review this when you repost it. In the meantime, be sure to do a little bit of reviewing yourself!
First, I noticed you are a New Member! Welcome to YWS! Here, you get reviews in turn for your reviews. As in, you must review in order to get reviews. PM me if you wish, but I suggest talking to Snoink or RoseyUnicorn if you have any questions because they are both Moderators. That I can remember, at least.
Second, I'm not a reviewer of poetry much, but I'll do my best.
Third: The Review.
Your last three verses rhyme the first two lines, but not the first verse. Keep your rhyming scheme the same and don't fiddle with it. It makes for a confusing or odd poem. Or both.
I really like this poem, no matter how melancholy and depressing it seemed to me. You have a great way with words, but I can't say much as you are new.
You might want to punctuate the poem (I know, punctuation still counts in poetry) and maybe check your plurals. Especially here:
First line, "contains", delete the "s". Look for more of those in your piece.
Overall, I liked reading this poem.
Questions? Don't hesitate to PM me, or preferably, the moderators.
Lavvi