The sky turned black and the moon revealed itself through the thick cotton clouds. Olly sat staring from his bedroom window. There was only one main source of light: the cream-shaded lamp on his bedside table. The houses along the street on both sides looked small in size compared to the massive house he sat in that towered above the rest of the street. Olly had been staring at the moon that only just peeped from behind the clouds, thinking of his day. This was a daily, well, nightly, routine. He'd stuck by it since he was 5 - since the night he'd lost his parents. Seven years on and his habit remained the same.
The hands of the clock crept to 3 o'clock. Olly was still awake. The window seat was heavily cushioned under him. Sighing, he thought it was about time to crawl into bed. But Olly never turned out his light. Instead, he lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling and at all of the pictures on his blue walls. The opposite wall was plastered in pictures of him and his parents. They looked so happy; Olly wondered what had happened to them that night. Why did she do it? In between some of the pictures were souvenirs of African tribe necklaces, polar bear teeth on chains and postcards from all over the world. His ceiling was littered with pictures he'd drawn. He was extremely skilled at art and knew how to shade and render, all of the artistic styles. Bored of the same old decorative sight, Olly switched off the lamp and tried to fall asleep. His attempts failed at first until he sighed and gave up with the forced attempts. He finally drifted off by 4am.
* * *
2000
The snow lay on the ground like a glistening blanket of cotton with matching clouds hanging in the sky. The mansion-like building was alive with laughter and family love. Only two members were missing. They were at the bottom of the garden. One was near unconsciousness. The mother's hair and neck were covered in blood. She was crying and gasping for breath. Her eyes were glazing over with tears of pain. In her hands, a carefully placed bread knife. She was bent over her husbands dead torso. His eyes were emotionless. She cried harder, but nobody came. Without thinking it over, she pushed her husband's body into the Koi pond where it sank to the bottom, fifteen feet below the surface.
By 10pm, the police and ambulance had crowded around the house. A family of over 40 people were sitting on the house steps in the cold, wrapped up in posh fur-lined coats and fur boas like a 1920's film set. Several people were crying, others yelling. But right at the back, on the very top marble step, stood a small blonde boy. A small blonde boy named Olly.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there.
This is a nice story.
I don't like how small the font size it because it's kind of hard to see. Your work looks neat and tidy though.
I find the habbit of the boy staring out at the moon nice, but I think you could portray it with more emotion. Get readers to feel for Olly.
W don't get much personality od Olly we don't really know how his parents died exactly. I think it's kind of missing some information. And also emotion. I'm fot really feeling it now.
You want people to really be attached to Olly and like his character.
I liked the way you ended it but I find the flash back just so...well it's like it's there and then the story ends. It feels like Olly's story doesn't even advance the slightest. It's like he thinks about the past then it ends. No questions answered.
I think you could put in more to it.
Also another thing, I felt the way you wrote time was a bit...it kind of ruinged the mood.It made it seem like a newspaper or something.
Maybe indicating what part of the day (past midnight) or maybe just introduce the fact that it was the past.(it happened long ago.) Something like that. You don't have to change it. It alright the way you want it to be.
I still need more points to add the second part which kind of unravels some stuff. But there is some stuff I could change. Thanks!
~M.S
This was well written! The only nitpick I had was you using the word "cotton" again to describe the snow. However, it still makes me imagine what you wanted me to imagine, so no problem there. This is an interesting story and I look forward to future add-ons to this story!
Thanks, I just couldn't think of anything that was linked to what I was thinking and how I wanted to picture it, so cotton was repeated! I tried my best, attempting to get away from the use of a thesaurus of my friend's extended vocabulary!
~M.S
There's nothing much I can say to improve this - it's simplicity gives it its power. I felt the tone melancholic, but also yearning for his parents; for what he cannot have. It was endearing and heartfelt, again the simplicity is its power.
However, on a more critical note, I thought the opening sentence was a touch too long - but that could just be me. Maybe dedicate a sentence to the environment outside, and then go on to describe Olly staring through the window, but then the transition between the sky and then the metaphorical camera (in my head) swooping on to Olly probably came from the fact that they weren't seperated. Haha, there's some food-for-thought, but I think that's just personal preference; certainly, nothing for you to fret over too much!
"He'd stuck by it since he was 5. Since the night he'd lost his parents. Seven years on and his habit remained the same." This section for me had too many short sentences. Usually they are used in literature to speed up an event and create tension (think short sentences try to recreate the quick frantic movements the pilot has to make to save his plane from crashing to the ground!). Here, they seemed a bit out of place, and understatement would have been more effective in my opinion, i.e. "He's stuck by it since he was 5 - since the night he'd lost his parents. Seven years on and his habit remained the same."
"They looked so happy; Olly wondered what had happened, why did they go and it?" I don't know exactly what you were trying to say here, but a proof-read would have avoided the problem in the first-place; never forget the importance of proof-reading!
"His attempts failed at first until he gave up with the attempts." I don't know why, but this line made me chuckle, I think it was because of the fact that we've all been in that situation and it was so relatable. So yeah, great line there
Nothing much I can add really, this was a good job, however, the devil's in the detail strikes true for this piece. With just a few minor tweaks this could be improved greatly, in my opinion, but it's pretty good as it stands!
Thanks a tonne!!! I will re-write some of it.