I feel the sensation of a million tangled, rubber bands—intertwining,
stretching, swelling in my brain—growing more and
more tangled, adding more and more pressure.
Too much tension, too little relief; Until
one day, when one of those thinly
stretched little bands
Snaps.
But id say this monolithic burden of consciousness,
This weight of reality, of gravity, this price
Of life, is a scanty payment
For this.
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Wow! This is fantastic. You described that perfectly. This was a great metaphor. I was thinking of someone going insane, but you might be thinking of something else. This was perfect, expect that you're missing an apostrophe in 'i'd' in the 4th to last line. Other than that, you're good. Fantastic poem I must say! It was lovely. You spaced each line perfectly. Good job and keep up the good work!!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
Your first four lines are broken up in such a way that my mind hit mental potholes trying to get the flow down. I felt like "—intertwining,/stretching, swelling in my brain—" (the / is to indicate a line break) should have been all by itself as the second line, and the "growing more and" on the end of the second should have kicked off the third line.
The "Until" is just kind of dangling there, and the semi-colon makes it feel like it needs to be there, even though it'd fit better starting off the next line. I'd also recommend changing that semi-colon to a period.
Using "id" instead of "I'd" in that line felt out of place in the poem. You'd pretty much had 'normal' grammar up until that point, and having the id was jarring to read. So I'd recommend changing that to "I'd."
Good job on the flow with the second stanza.
Hope this helps!
Thanks! I appreciate it! Good input
Hello Miles!
Unnecessary comma is unnecessary. Also, I think combining "intertwining" with the next line would flow better, ja?
I don't like the use of "thinly" here. Makes the line sound awkward. Try "thin" instead?
I'm weird, but I don't lines that are only a word or two. Consider combining these.
I'd*
Consider combining these as well.
So if I'm correct, then this poem is about insanity? I think? xD I can tell you're talking about the mind and its entwining thoughts and how it came become too much, too crowded in there, and so the person's mind eventually snaps and unravels? And from your last three lines, you say that life isn't worth all of the confusion, the pain, the headaches.
If I'm right, then you totally told this all in a way I could understand. xD I like that you used the symbolince of rubber bands and how they signify someone snapping whenever a rubber band snaps. The imagery used in this was simple, yet beautifully done so.
Overall, this was a really good poem, one that was well written and nicely told. I enjoyed reading it, so thank you for sharing. ^^
~Iggy
Thanks! I appreciate it! Very helpful review.
This is really good. I love how suspenseful it is. Continue to write great things!
Thanks! I appreciate it!
That was a great poem! I loved the structure of it. Each sentence was slowly whittled down until "snaps," adding to the intensity of it. Good vocab use! Be sure to capitalize the "I" and add an apostrophe in "id," though!
Excellent work!!!
Thanks! I appreciate it!