Hidden Tree

by MilesGrayson

Published February 17, 2013

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Chapter 1

Year 1, Spring 50: Serenity

Serenity woke up in her bed surrounded by the furs of her past hunts. Her fox, Elflin, yawned and stretched beside her.

“Another day Elflin.”Serenity said as she sat up and looked around her room.

Her house was built by her father, when her family found this island long before she could remember. Her family was very religious and had come here looking for a special religious idol, The Tree of Life.

“What do you want for breakfast Elflin?”Serenity stood up and began to put on her work clothes.

“Serenity, we should head out early today and search.” Elflin said.

Serenity smiled, “You know, I’m glad I have you to talk to. I think I would've gone insane if not for you.

“Serenity… I’m serious.” Elflin scowled.

“Elflin, it’s not going anywhere…”Serenity muttered as she grabbed a basket out of the kitchen and walked outside. Her farm was on top of a large plateau in the middle of the island but was well hidden from any angle of the ocean. Elflin followed her and keep close by her side.

“There are a million trees on this island, it has to be one of them.” Elflin was persistent but he had a good reason. The religion of the foxes was that they were placed on earth to protect the guardian of the tree, and for a long time Serenity's family had taken that role. Elflin had always been there, he always told Serenity stories about her father, and how he was very important. Her father was a guardian of the tree, and it was her turn to watch after the tree now that he was gone. Elflin never told Serenity what happened to her father, no matter how many times she asked.

Serenity's days were all the same, her and Elflin had a routine. They got up early, took care of all the animals and then watered the crops. It was a lot of work for one person and a fox, but they got the work done everyday.

When her and Elflin were done collecting eggs and feeding and washing the animals she put on her hunting clothes and Elflin followed her into the woods. Their mission was to find the tree of life, and Serenity didn't really know what she was suppose to do after that.

“So we have covered the northern forest and its not there. Just three more areas to search.” Elflin said as if they were almost finished, but it took them a good five years to search the north part of the island.

Serenity sighed. If her father had already found the tree, why didn’t he leave a map to show her where to find it? Elflin didn't answer her questions though. He always said that she would find out one day, and that really made Serenity frustrated.

She sighed as they walked, Elflin skipping merrily along beside her, occasionally poking his nose into small animal burrows and tree hollows. She loved to watch him, he was by far the most entertaining thing on the island.

Year 1 Spring 60: Colonel Alexander Grey

“The Legion army had settled in the Capitol and were trying to gather troops to fight off the invading barbarians, but being as the Legion is so religious, most of the people don’t want to fight back. They say it’s a sign from their gods.” The supreme council leader, Eir, explained to General Zojja in a unbearable monotone voice.

“The second in command, Colonel Alexander Grey, won’t give up so willingly, and he joined the legion army at a very young age. With only three years in the service he had already made his way almost to the top but it didn't faze his willingness to fight for the Legion. He treats every soldier with respect, and some even say that this is the reason he isn't the first in command, General. Thus end Sir Rua’s report.” Eir, the leader of the supreme council, glared at General Zojja.

The council room was large, with a long desk in the back where the council sat. Light seemed to radiate through the windows and illuminate the entire room. The light seemed to dance on the gold that was weaved into stone pillars supporting the roof. General Zojja knelt before the council with a annoyed expression, wondering how long this agonizing meeting would last.

“And this is why you believe that Colonel Grey is a perfect match for this mission?” General Zojja shrugged off the glare, and with a bad attitude he sarcastically replied to everything the council said.

“Why yes General, I’m surprised you could understand anything that didn't involve a sword and brute force.” Eir smiled, seeming to be impressed with himself. He wasn't afraid of General Zojja. Eir believed that brains would always overpower brawn, and if that was the case General Zojja would be the weakest soldier of Legion.

“Ready your things, the General wants a fleet of 200 sent out to Jackles!” Colonel Alexander Grey called out though the barracks. “It will be a long journey but we will stop every night to rest. First night at Gillica, second at Ject, and the third night at Halfway Harbor-”

“Sir, I hear that place is haunted sir.” Blurted out one of the soldiers.

“How so, soldier?”

“Well, I don’t know the story exactly but it started a long time ago, before my grandmother was even born. Long ago Halfway Harbor was peaceful and perfect, where everyone lived with plenty of food and homes. While the mainland was perfect, they had one scar that tainted this paradise. The island. It was maybe, a mile from the coast of the mainland, and they were connected by submerged strip of land. Every dry season the land would come to the surface and the path was revealed. The natives, believing the island harbored evil, would hide in their houses and pray the evil wouldn't visit their homes during the night of the crossing. Spending hundreds of years in torment the Halfway Harbor stories became more ridiculous till people stopped visiting all together.”

“Well, up against those barbarians, a haunted town should be the least of your worries, private. Now, keep quiet.”Colonel Grey continued with the briefing. Each soldier still had their minds lingering on Halfway Harbor, some frightened more by the island than the war itself.

“We leave at day break.” Colonel Grey left the room and everything fell silent, just like the calm before the storm. Colonel Grey, being for a small town on the other side of the country, had only heard of Halfway Harbor from the general, and not about the island, but just about a way to secure supplies in the war. He didn't know what to think of the place, but he did what he knew best, opened a book and read about it.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
dogs
Review
dogs wrote a review Review · Feb 26, 2013

Hello there MIles! Dogs here with your review, goodness gracious silly me... I thought your chapter two was the first chapter. Hence my confusion, apologizes. Do disregard most of the notes I made on that topic. Now on to the most substantial review :), Let's dive in now shall we?

"Her house was built by her father"

I think you should describe the visuals of the house before you state that the house was built by her father. It's like thanking someone for creating a visually amazing cake, without even seeing it.

"Her family was very religious and had come here looking for a special religious idol."

Ok, this sentence bugs me a tad. Firstly because you use "very" in this line, and "very" should never be used in literature except for a essay about why it should NOT be used in literature. Reason is that it always breaks up the flow of the sentence and sounds sloppy unless it adds to the character. Also, you use "religious" twice in the same sentence a little too close in proximity to one another. Try editing one of them out or substituting the second "religious" for a synonym.

"it was her turn to watch over the tree now..."

You don't really give "the tree" a higher religious title or anything. Otherwise, "the tree" can get confused with any ol' tree in the forest from the reader's perspective.

"find the tree of life"

Ok there you go, nice job of finding a better title for the tree. Add that into the previous paragraph to alleviate confusion.

"but it took them a good five years to search the northern part.."

Woah, did five years just pass through your book in one sentence? A bit of a big jump of plot line there. If not correct me because I'm a little confuzzled. If it did, than you should edit it a bit so that the beginning of the book starts with them having searched most of the northern forest and they have been searching for five years.

"the light seemed to dance"

You already used the "seemed" analogy in the previous sentence. Just say: "The light danced..."

Nice, also as a final note you need to have a quick break in-between the scene with the general and Colonel Grey debriefing his troops. I like the humor of the council directed towards the general, I found that funny. Well done there, all and all a good piece in need of some polishing. With a little bit of work this could be an excellent piece of writing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

I've noticed that everyone is very fond of Colonel Grey's story, and not very fond of Serenity. My hope was to bring them together soon and continue on from there, but I'm having second thoughts now. Should I make her not as important? Or even get rid of her all together?

User avatar
Rarity
Review
Rarity wrote a review Review · Feb 24, 2013

It's a decent start. I feel as though you are simply listing off facts about the plot for the majority of the chapter, there isn't much rhythm throughtout the piece. First, as Kafkaescence pointed out, you need to eleborate much more on your ideas. Explain how Elflin is a talking fox. Explain more about the history of the Tree of life. You also need to use more imagery and detail. For example, tell the reader what Serenity and the other characters look like and how old they are, and describe what the setting is like. Second, you need to be more careful with your proofreading. One mistake I saw multiple times has to do with quotations.

" “We leave at day break.” Colonel Grey left the room and everything fell silent"

After the end of the quote, there should be a comma instead of a period. Grammatical errors can be easy to make, so be diligent while editing. I find it easier if I print out my work and edit the hard copy. I was also confused becasue the two times mentioned are different. Are they supposed to be different or not? If they are, let the reader know to avoid confusion. You seem to know what you want to write, so focus on how to convey those ideas more clearly to the reader.

Rarity

User avatar
Swiftfur
Review
Swiftfur wrote a review Review · Feb 17, 2013

First of all "routine" is spelled wrong. Second, the end is like,bad. You NEVER start a sentence with,"And then," you also missed a lot of capitals. in the beginning, why don't you tell your reader who the tree of life got there?
It'd make a great story, but it needs improvement.

User avatar
Kafkaescence
Review
Kafkaescence wrote a review Review · Feb 17, 2013

1. Trash the prologue. It's basically spoon-feeding me information that would be better kneaded into the actual plot via interaction or thoughts or dialogue.

2. Proof this, thanks. Look especially for missed capitalization, misspellings, and missed commas.

3. This chapter would come across as almost Kafkaesque if it were more streamlined. It has these bizarre parabolic aspects--animals that somehow have telepathic abilities, fast inconstant pace with minimal description or even offhand elaboration. It flounders in this indefinite area between parable and novel(la); it doesn't seem to know exactly what it is.

4. Elaboration is key for the success of this chapter and future chapters. If you keep on at this breakneck speed you're going to run out of ideas incredibly fast. Flesh out these ideas of yours. Minimal elaboration, after all, is indicative of minimal actual substance, which will lose interest in your readers quickly because then they get convinced that you actually don't have any worthwhile story to tell. As you revise this, try letting the reader in on some secrets. Not everything, of course, as some tension is necessary to propel the plot forward, but enough that I can at least ground myself in your setting and get some idea of what's going on. I have no inkling as to what the Tree of Life is, or the Guardian of the Tree, or what it is they're searching for, or anything, really. You gloss over so much that you've left me utterly lost.

5. That last line, yuck. It's exactly what I've been talking about. Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate.

6. Why do you suddenly start calling Serinity Serin? Remember that you, the narrator, have a voice as well, and you can't just start referring to someone by a different name for no reason.

Good luck.

-Kafka

Thanks for your advice, this was my first time writing anything and I'll try and work on the things you pointed out. I'll ditch Serinity's nickname or even rename her, since I never really liked her name to begin with. I understand what you mean when you said that I needed to elaborate, ideas were just rushing to me so quickly that I rushed to put them to paper before I forgot. I'll take my time to revise it, and I hope you'll give it another go later.

Why is it, when I look at the story here it seems like there are spaces missing, but when I go to edit it, its perfectly fine?



"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken