It’s a picture-perfect Happy Ending(™).
The sun is setting in warm, soft swirls of orange-red, and a dozen clouds adorn the fabric of the skies. There’s a slight breeze, lifting my hair and tossing it with careful hands—it knows not to disturb the well-prepped locks. My feet are lost in the long grass, flickering in and out of view as the wind passes by. The blanket beneath us is the perfect fit for two.
And then, of course, there’s him. Floating loosely with the clouds and reaching for the sun, inclined forward and staring up at the heavens. His hand rests almost absentmindedly over mine, as if by nature, and it sets like a glove. The eyes so fixed on distant things are sharp with concentration. He is surviving by this moment as much as I am.
“Eveline,” he breathes my name like air. His eyes close. It’s not a question, or a demand, and I don’t even think it’s an acknowledgement. It just is. But it leaves me speechless.
He’s lost in the sky, but he’s lost in me, too.
Glancing toward the school, perhaps a hundred yards away but at a distance of dozen years, I catch a glimpse of Lee entering the main doors. His gaze is almost mathematical: he doesn’t want to forget me. It hangs for a moment too long: he doesn’t want to say goodbye.
Tomorrow, he’ll put up ‘LOST’ posters for a girl who doesn’t want to be found.
And, as he turns away, I don’t cry. I just let that little, restless ache in my chest falter. No longer reaching, no longer needed, it shrivels like rot.
I think I feel my heart break.
“I love you,” I tell the boy beside me, pulling my lips into a smile. It’s bashful and wholehearted and everything he wants from me. “I’m so glad you chose me.”
He finally bids the sky farewell, though it remains in a faint glow against his face as he opens his eyes. They find mine without effort. He’s beautiful. “You were always the only choice.”
Slowly, he pulls his right hand out from the grass, taking my other hand and caging both in his. The movement is tender and brings heat, but I’m distracted. My stare is ensnared by the grass behind him, where a daisy lies flat. He must have crushed it. I regard each stain against its petals. The spill of mottled scarlet. I think of all the other girls before me. Of all the ones to follow.
My smile grows wider. Tears form. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this beautiful. “We deserve each other.”
Raising my gaze above him, above every triviality and regret, I can see what had left him so captivated. I lay down by his side, sinking through the blanket and into the earth.
“You look perfect,” I hear him say softly. “So peaceful…”
I’ll be like this forever.
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
I truly enjoyed reading this story. The way you built it up, effectively using imagery that brought a sense of peace was incredible. Closer to the end of the story your language changed, especially when you said your hands were 'caged' by his. This piece was incredibly emotional, beautiful and well written - well done!
I truly enjoyed reading this story. The way you built it up, effectively using imagery that brought a sense of peace was incredible. Closer to the end of the story your language changed, especially when you said your hands were 'caged' by his. This piece was incredibly emotional, beautiful and well written - well done!
Ayyy! Welcome to YWS!
So, first off, this is veeery stream-of-consciousness, which I very frequently enjoy (including now) and at first wondered why the style was chosen because it didn't seem to have many unique thoughts inserted. That said, the buildup to the stained daisy and the realization that imperfection matches imperfection, sin loves sin, etc. is quite well done, albeit there are still flaws that I think can be handled more masterfully.
In the female gaze you give us, it's almost shocking to find a voice that begs and lives for the boy's attention and admiration, that worships his adoration. I'm referring to this line:
And its implications that she has very little identity on her own without a partner, which is terribly sad. Ending this, the boy of interest doesn't even regard her at first, but keeps his eyes on the sky until it's time for him to speak, and his answer wasn't poetic or beautiful or memorable as it should be. It was literally "There was no choice." That hurt me for the girl, and in the wrong way.
Finally, the tertiary character...is used well enough. I say this because it's my belief that no character should be used solely as a plot device, but in this small instance, in this stream of consciousness, you've delivered a layer of subtext for the main character in such a short space that is heavily poetic and that I quite enjoyed. So while I still believe no character should be just a plot device, I think you get an exemption.
A well-done showing! I hope these notes help!
Lumi
Hey there!
I really fell in love with your description in the beginning. The way you worded things really set the scene for the rest of the story and I think that is a really important aspect of any story! Overall, I really enjoyed the mystery around this tale. For once I actually enjoyed being slightly confused. I think I just found myself easily lost in your words. You successfully captured my attention and that can be hard to do haha. The only complaint I have about this piece is that I wish that there was more to it! I loved the tale so much that I didn't want to stop reading. I'm sorry this wasn't constructive but I did't have much to critique! If you have any questions or anything feel free to message me or reply! Never stop writing because I am looking forward to more!
-BubblegumGoddess
I really liked the visual imagery at the beginning, the description of scenery sets the pace for the story later but I'm a bit confused by the middle bit - maybe you intended for the short story to end with this allure of mystery?
this wasn't clear to me - is the missing girl years later the protagonist who plans to run away?
Hello and welcome to YWS, Miles!
Just dropping by for a critique here.
I can see some meaning under this lovely story, and that's hard to achieve in a flash fic like yours. It's like a priceless moment with a significant other. I feel as if, after reading the last line, that it's not going to stay forever like this; things change. This is just my interpretation, though; others may have different ones. But the moment really sticks, and I think you really nailed the beauty of that instant.
I have two notes here, and I hope you don't mind them too much:
1) First of all, I was rather confused here.
I really like the allusion to the years later (I assume Eveline's boyfriend is Lee)--it's like she's catching a ghost of the future. But I was confused about the "Tomorrow" bit. Is it a dozen years later, or just the day after that moment? And I would have also liked to have seen more of the future reference (if I'm right anyway
2)I guess the words exchanged between them...is so beautiful but it's a tad mushy in my opinion
But other than that, your flash fic really captures a moment beautifully and that's why I'm going to Like it. Feel free to use or not-use my suggestions, and I hope you have a great time to YWS!
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and I really appreciate that you also left a helpful comment!
I posted this to the site to see whether the story's meaning was clear enough but it still seems a bit muddled. I know it's silly for me to try and explain it because the piece wasn't able to by itself, and I'm sorry for that (more edits!)
I also have to apologise because this story isn't intended to be mushy. I actually kinda meant for it to portray the last moments of a girl who is very much *not in love with the boy and rather cares for the 'Lee' mentioned, though she relies on the nameless boy for affirmation and status. The twist implied was supposed to be that this boy has killed every other girl he's dated, hence her, for example, ' sinking through the blanket and into the earth' at the end. A bit darker than it probably seemed.
I'm sorry it was a bit of a confusing read, but thank you for your feedback! It really helps a lot.
You don't have to apologize for the mushiness! It was simply a personal preference.
I'm glad I helped, anyway, and I'm sure your story will be great with some editing!