Last edited 9/12/15
Chapter 1
Friedrich Klug’s Journal
December 14. Left central police department of Nashville at 10:30 P.M. December 13 – arriving in Melville at somewhere from 7:30 A.M. to 8:30 A.M., depends on timing.
I write being on a bus to port city Melville, from there I should be escorted to the little village called Lethe. I will not be able to arrive at predicted time I am afraid, as massive piles of snow on the roads considerably hamper the pace. It is troublesome for me to illustrate the outdoors, since mist and snow have obscured my view. We supposedly cross the Main Bridge by now, but I still cannot admire the sea, only paleness in the air.
It is perfectly apparent, that only reason police department agreed to investigate this case was purely obligatory – so, I expected to be disappointed in terms of transport. Luckily my dubiety was proven wrong; I was provided with a steam powered bus. Its engine chugging and leaving dark smoke as it advances forth. Seats are wooden, and oddly shaped, but this flaw is easily remedied by the people I travel with. Most of them are working, reasonable men; with whom I even managed to have a discussion, a great way to pass time. I went as far as to ask them about this village. I knew that much not to expect any real answers or information, but to my great surprise, a Melville resident, an old man in suit, told me just enough.
‘I don’t know since I have never been there myself,’ he said ‘but, there is a great magician, they say, real master of his craft.’
Object of my mission is to put all doubts to rest. This obscure village is supposedly being haunted by supernatural. I am confident enough that it is nothing more than a mere drollery, a cruel jape of some halfwit, or maybe some magic trick. However, if there is anything my six year career has taught me, it is never to assume beforehand, regardless of the absurdity of the mission.
No credible man in CPDN had any basic knowledge about this village whatsoever. I had to go through many old documents and archives; just to locate it. Only after Mr. Trap requested information from MRC, we got a picture of who we might be dealing with. The research revealed it was an isolated village of less than 300 habitants. In all honesty, this information eased concerns of most. “A Delusional Village” is what they codenamed the mission.
As to why such an experienced detective like me, got intrigued by this case of lower ranking, is simply because of its location. On the way back, after all is settled and done, I want to visit Marianne in Melville.
I sincerely wish it doesn’t take more than a few interrogations. And I have my first suspect as well; The Magician.
End of chapter
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140,108 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Hey, Mr. Muddy Pig here! The first thing I noticed is the character writing down in his journal is so stiff, give him a personality. The main character is boring. You give many details about the place, I could imagine riding a bus in mid-winter. But details about the magician? No. I know this is about a mystery, but at least show us what the character thinks of him, a bad guy? A famous magician? Other than that, keep writing with your great mind.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
I would put the "journal" portion in bold just for better formatting. So this man is traveling on a bus in the middle of winter. I don't really get the last sentence in this paragraph. Why can't he admire the sea? Hopefully you don't forget to elaborate on this.
This sentence also doesn't make sense. I'd reread it out loud and fix it to say what you were trying to get at.
Nice, you go into great detail without it seeming out of place, jumping from one aspect to the bus to another. So I guess this guy is pretty social, talking to random strangers on the bus, huh?
You said the village's name up above, not sure if we really needed to be told twice.
hmm, I wonder who The Magician is.
Another thing - use some emotion! Don't make your main character sound so robotic. The police department sent him to a village and gave him no information on it, he should be angry! You also said "we" even though he's apparently traveling alone, meaning this is his case. I'd change it to "I".
Overall: Strong start to your novel. By keeping the characters you introduce us to us low, you allow us to get a great impression of what this story is all about. We're also tuned into where the story is headed. I'm curious as to why a detective from the police department would be investigating some kind of haunting - it sounds weird to me, so hopefully that's something you elaborate on as well. This is interesting so far, I'd definitely keep going.