***Chapter 1***
I smiled as I re-read the texts on my screen. I was currently texting my best friend, Liam.
"Hey :) What's up?" I'd sent.
"Nothin' much, just got done with a snowman." Liam replied.
"Awesome :) I haven't even been out in the snow yet...lol" I text.
"Yeah you need to get out there it's fun :)"
"I know, :) but we don't have enough snow to make a snowman. :P" I sent, which is where we left off. I was now impatiently waiting for his response. I sighed, a second before my text tone went off, making me laugh slightly.
''Lol we can make one together eventually :)" I sat there slightly confused by his text. How would we make one together?
"Lol what do you mean?"
"Ohh nothing ;)"
"Lol ok... C:"
That was the last text of our conversation. Figures; but it made me happy. What was he hinting at?
I plugged my iPhone into the charger after turning on the album Sticks and Stones by Cher Lloyd. My favorite songs began to play as I rummaged through my drawers in search of my journal.
I found it eventually, thanks to the hot pink cover. It was also covered in turquoise polka-dots with Madeline written across the middle in light purple. It was the best journal I owned. Partially because of the brilliant color scheme and my name that decorated it, but also because of the story it held.
I'd begun the journal on my birthday, because that's when I received it. It held the story of my first real crush moving away, which I was devastated about at the time. As my life progresses I realize that it was good thing though. My life has changed so much in ways that make me so happy.
I was now in eighth grade, and him moving away had happened over the summer. The journal also explained all of my best friends and how they became so close to me. Many of my best friends were gained this year. Julie and Tyombae were the only two I've known since I was little. Tyombae is Liam's cousin, but I've known her since I was in fourth grade and she was in third. Liam became my best friend this year. As did Hayley, Tyler, and Brandon. Unfortunately, Brandon and Tyombae went to a different school, but I still see them really often.
I opened my journal to the first blank page and quickly jotted down what I was doing. Then I told of a dream I'd had that I had decided to make a story idea and stored the journal away again.
I heard my phone beep, but ignored it. I let myself fall onto my bed before it went off again. Curiosity got the better of me. I rolled off my bed, landing on a pile of clothes that I'd put there for that purpose, before begrudgingly pulling myself up and retrieving my phone. Yeah, I can be lazy sometimes. Though in my defense, when you have cheer and dance taking up every day of the week in your schedule, I think weekends call for a break.
"Haha," I saw that the text was from Liam again and smiled. That was all the first one said, but I quickly unlocked my phone to discover what the second one had said.
"Wanna come over?" I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw that it was also from Liam. I'd never been to his house before. I understood now what he'd had in mind when he said we could make a snowman together.
"Yeah, that's cool with me." I quickly typed back. I was glad he couldn't tell how much I was actually freaking out.
My phone rang in my hands and I saw that Liam was calling me. I wasn't sure why we were texting in the first place, since we were usually on the phone or video-chatting with each other, but I wasn't complaining.
"Hello?" I said, managing to make myself sound calm. I was well impressed with how well I'd regained my composure from moments before. "Hey. Do you want me to come pick you up?" I realized I hadn't even asked my mom if I was allowed to go, but quickly shrugged it off. I already knew what her answer would be. "Sure. I live by Giant Eagle. If you keep going straight then make a left at the intersection, my house if around there. Just pull into the park and I'll meet you there." I said, smiling once again. "Ok, cool. We should be there in about ten minutes." I could hear him smiling too. "Ok, see you then." I said, waiting until he said bye, then hung up.
I quickly pulled a pair of jeggings from my dresser and grabbed my pink Aeropostale hoodie and slipped them on. I applied some eyeliner, mascara, and lipgloss before throwing them into a bag with my phone and some money. I also slipped my glittery pink gloves and matching ear muffs in there, just in case. My hair was still damp from the shower I'd just taken, so I just threw it into a messy bun.
I glimpsed at the clock and saw that five minutes had already passed. I grabbed my bag and rushed down the stairs. "Mom, I'm going over Liam's house!" I called. "Ok, call me when you want picked up." she replied, coming around the corner and giving me a quick kiss. She already knew who Liam was because she'd seen me talking to him at a few of the basketball games when I wasn't cheering. And like I said, I was pretty much always talking to him.
I walked the short distance to the park and saw that Liam wasn't there yet. I frowned slightly, but my mood instantly brightened when I saw a white car pulling into the small parking space that belonged to the park.
Liam got out and walked over to me, grabbing my hand. "Well are you coming?" he asked. I laughed and nodded, walking back over with him to the car.
"Hey Madeline!" I turned around to see the boys that rode my bus running towards us. I was pretty close with them, but I wouldn't really consider any of them to be my best friends. Liam on the other hand...
"So this is why you had to get off of Xbox?" The question was directed towards Liam. I inwardly groaned. I had been hoping they wouldn't notice him because these boys could be pretty nosey, not to mention annoying.
"Yup." Liam responded, opening the door. I got in first and listened as they fired another question at Liam. "So where are you guys going?" one of the four boys asked. "My house." Liam responded in 'duh' tone, before closing the door. I could practically hear the rumors starting as we pulled away.
Liam rolled down the window and waved to the boys. Then he looked at me and rolled his eyes, and I automatically knew the wave had been a sarcastic one. I giggled, but stopped when Liam's dad began to speak.
"So, you're the Madeline that Liam won't ever shut up about." he said, his tone joking. I looked at Liam and saw that he was blushing. "Yup." I said, popping the p. I grinned. This was going to be so fun.
Hello! Sarah here for a quick review.
A lot of important points have been brought up already, especially by Dark Pandemonium, but I like this chapter and feel it deserves more feedback. So I'm sorry if I repeat anything anyone else has said. :S
Let's start off with some easy nitpicks:
1.) ""Ok, call me when you want picked up." she replied, coming around the corner and giving me a quick kiss."
I think you meant, "Ok, call me when you want TO BE picked up."
2.) "I'd begun the journal on my birthday, because that's when I received it. It held the story of my first real crush moving away, which I was devastated about at the time. As my life progresses I realize that it was good thing though. My life has changed so much in ways that make me so happy."
Since this chapter is written in past tense, I think the tenses are a bit wonky here. I would suggest rewriting it as, "I'd begun the journal on my birthday, because that's when I'd received it. It held the story of my first real crush moving away, which I had been devastated about. As my life progressed I realized that it was good thing though. My life had changed so much in ways that made me so happy."
Now onto bigger things. Overall, I liked this chapter. As the other reviewers have already pointed out, it has a good pace, is written well, and generally...nice. But that's it. Nice. The first chapter is the hook of your story, so grab the readers attention! This doesn't mean you have to add explosions or anything drastic--you can keep the plot line. I would suggest maybe rounding out your characters so the audience is more interested in their lives. So far these characters are pretty bland and forgetful. I understand that it's the first chapter and you will characterize them a lot more later, but at least give them some distinguishing aspects. Make us care about them from the get-go.
Besides that though, I found this to be very enjoyable and calming, in a way. You've got a promising little story set up here. I can't wit to see where it goes!
Good luck!
Sarah
Hello, Mikkie. How about a review? Obviously, Veeren has pointed out a couple of the errors already, but I'd like to offer a bit more advice. Soo...
Firstly, this is a nice, steady start to the story. It all makes sense, it isn't too overwhelming - this is all important for a first chapter. The last thing you want is to dump a load of confusing information on your reader immediately, and you've refrained from that. However, I still don't feel you've got the balance quite right yet. Yes, you haven't over-complicated it, but I don't feel that you've brought enough of a hook into the story for it to be really engaging yet. It's fine - there's nothing wrong with it - but I think you need to put something into a first chapter to make me really want to read on. So far, you've just got a girl who isn't enormously individual going around to a friend's house to build a snowman. I'm sure there's some good characterisation and storyline in this work somewhere, but at the moment it isn't showing so much. You need something - whether it be an exciting plot intro or an intriguing character - to draw your reader in. Don't overwhelm us, but get us interested. It's hard to get right, but it really is something to work on. It's vitally important for the beginning of a story.
That said, you set it up well starting with the texts. That is a good way to convey information without overwhelming anyone. You've got the format, but it just needs a bit of refinement.
Moving onto my second issue, I feel you have a tendency to put unnecessary information into your writing. For instance:
This is totally my opinion, but I'm not fond of this kind of over-detail, as I call it. You don't have to change it, but I find that elaborating on what artist and album that the character is listening to a little bit unneeded. I've been prone to this in the past, when I've been obsessed with a band or song and felt the need to input it into my writing (are you a fan or Cher Lloyd, by any chance?), but it's become a personal irritation of mine.
Also:
This information feels a bit listed - there's not much weight to it, so it feels a bit meaningless to read. I'm sure it means a lot to the narrator, but I think you need to explain the importance of each character a bit more (maybe not now, but in later chapters) so that it has more of an impact on the reader. It feels too detached.
Anyway, moving on. Just a little nitpick.
Remember to start a new line with every new piece of dialogue.
Anyway, that's all I can find for now. All I can say is that I hope you expand on the idea, and that this doesn't turn into some cliché teenage romance. PM me when the next chapter arrives, and I hope to offer another review. I hope I was helpful and didn't ramble too much. Any questions, just ask.
~Dark
Heyo Mikkie
I was currently texting my best friend, Liam.
That was the last text of our conversation.
I found it eventually, thanks to the hot pink cover. It was also covered in turquoise polka-dots with Madeline written across the middle in light purple.
Veeren here to critique this piece of yours.
I'll start off with the grammar and spelling and such.
Your second sentence:
Spoiler
The words 'was currently texting' just sound weird together. 'Was' is used for something in the past and 'currently' is used for something right now. This would sound better:
I was in the middle of texting my best friend. Liam.
The first sentence after all the texts:
Spoiler
That would imply that there were no more texts after that, at all. Or atleast I think so =x
I'd write it as:
He didn't reply for a while.
That way you'd know there would be more in the future.
And here:
Spoiler
The eventually mean there was a lapse of time in between or a struggle to get/do something. It'd be fine if you just removed the word.
And the sentence following is just describing the journal, so you can combine the two like this:
I found it, thanks to the hot pink cover full of turquoise polka-dots, with the word Madeline written across the middle in light purple.
These are some of your major issues in the passage. Your sentence structure is all you really have to fix. My suggestion would be to read over a few lines after you write them, try to see if they sound natural. They don't have to sound professional or anything, just as long as it's not a pain to read them.
Another thing you have to fix is the spacing. It's good that you start new paragraphs after each dialogue/paragraph, but if you're not going to indent, at least put a space between each so it doesn't look as cluttered.
As for the story itself, there was nothing wrong with it. It's definitely an idea you could expand upon with further chapters. While it seem to be going down a typical teen love story type of path, I'm sure you'd be able to make it interesting.
So great work, considering.
Keep on writing