Published July 1, 2017
Chapter 1
The beginning
You ever wake up to the feeling that something is seriously wrong? If you haven’t, get down on your knees and say thank you right now, because this story that I’m about to tell will make your ordinary life look like heaven.
It was Saturday morning, and I had slept in late after working the night shift at the hospital. I had a weird feeling, but I dismissed it. I thought that maybe it was just from staying up so late last night. I was wrong. And I couldn’t shake the feeling.
The first thing I noticed when I walked into the kitchen was that the refrigerator door was open. I thought that since I was so tired, I had forgotten to close it all the way, but as I got closer, I saw that something was dripping off the handle. Walking up, I realized that a green slime was covering the whole door handle. You think this would have made me think:
“Hm, that’s not right.” Why didn’t I? I lived with my sister, who was a great practical joker. I thought it was one of her jokes. “Very funny Natalie,” I called. She didn’t answer, probably still asleep. I glanced at the clock; it was 9:00 and time for us to start the day. Walking into her room, I saw her still in bed, totally out, with curtains drawn. I lifted up the blinds, and the room was flooded with light, and she still didn’t move. My sister could sleep through a hurricane sometimes, so I began jumping on the bed which should have woke her up. If it had been Natalie.
Instead, the covers flipped back, and laying in the bed was a mannequin that looked exactly liked Natalie. The long hair that she had dyed blue yesterday, those emerald green eyes and the necklace with the charm of a dragon breathing fire around her throat. I would have thought this another one of her practical jokes, but the expression in the eyes convinced me that this was no joke, nor a nightmare.
The…..things…..eyes were filled with pure horror, the kind you only see in your worst nightmare. I tried to jump off the bed but fell off instead as I scrambled for the door. I grabbed the door handle and tried to turn it, but I snatched my hand away and stared with horror at the palm. The door handle was so hot that it had burned my hand, but the burn was taking the shape of a skull with a scroll underneath. I hadn’t been burned; I had been branded!
A thump made me look up, and I began to scream, and scream, and scream, til I had to take a breath or pass out on the floor. The mannequin was sitting up in the bed and staring at me, and….and…..the…...mouth….was…..twisted into a…...hideous grin. As I stood watching in terrified fascination, the...thing...stood up, and began to walk slowly towards me with arms outstretched. I was in a bind. I was still stuck against the door, and here came this alien mannequin walking towards me, probably with the intent to strangle me. I was starting to panic. My sister had been turned into an alien mannequin, I would probably end up dead (which was not an inviting prospect,) and my death would probably be caused by my own sister! It was all too much, and just as the mannequin reached me, everything went black, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was lying on a bed, with my hands tied too the headboard. I had no idea where I was. Suddenly something or someone whispered my name.
“Kayla?” the voice sounded suspiciously like my sisters voice.
“N-Natalie!?” I whispered in shock. “What on earth...?” I looked at the bed across from mine. There was my sister, tied to the headboard like I was, except her feet were bound to.
“Any idea as to
what’s going on?”
“No. All I know is we seem to have
fallen into the hands of some psychopath.” I rolled my eyes.
My sister had a talent for sarcasm at the worst of times. She must
have expected it, for she said,
“Well, I think we can be fairly certain that he’s a psychopath” she fidgeted, trying to get a little more comfortable. I tried to get comfortable myself, but it’s virtually impossible when your hands are tied above your head, and in my sister’s case when your feet are bound too.
“Why were you so surprised to see me?” she asked, so I told her all about the mannequin, and how I thought it had been her.
“Wow” was her only comment. She might have said more, but footsteps sounded in the hall and a door opened. The room was flooded with light. We both gasped, and for a little bit I was seeing spots dance in front of me.
“Glad to see you’re awake,” a voice said calmly.
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey, Skywind here for a review.
Overall, it was a fairly interesting introductions. There are several grammar errors and such I'll try to point out for you.
The first paragraph talks directly to the reader. I rarely ever see stories that break the 4th wall, but if this is the only time you do it it should be fine.
Second paragraph:
Note that when to break a paragraph for a dialogue there are three patterns you can follow.
Dialogue Description
Description Dialogue
Dialogue Description Dialogue
Basically, you never want to sandwich dialogue between description.
You could just break the first paragraph when the dialogue starts so that the next paragraph would read:
“Hm, that’s not right.” Why didn’t I? I lived with my sister, who was a great practical joker. I thought it was one of her jokes. “Very funny Natalie.”
Again about breaking that 4th wall, I wouldn't recommend doing it so much as addressing the reader in the previous sentence: "You think this would have made me think"
Also, you need a comma after "I thought that since I was so tired," and change forgot to forgotten.
Third paragraph:
Saying this for your information, you need a comma after "Very funny Natalie," if you put a dialogue tag after that.
"I glanced at the clock," you need a semi colon here, not a comma.
"I lifted up the blinds," <-- add the comma
Fourth paragraph:
I noticed you used ellipsis in the middle of the paragraph. I would refrain from using ellipsis inside anything other than dialogue.
"I meant to jump off the bed," don't need the comma there.
"I hadn't been burned, I had been branded!" change comma to semi colon.
Fifth paragraph:
First sentence scream is repeated twice. Instead, you could write: "A thump made me look up. I scream repeatedly, til I had to take a breath or pass out on the floor."
Also note that "till" was changed to the correct "til"
The latter half of the sentence is a bit awkward. "til I had to take a break or pass out on the floor" makes it seem like you're not clear. It's either one or the other, or both. The or just makes it seem off and unclear/unsure of what really happened.
The comma before the parenthesis not needed, but put one after it ends.
"It was all to much" change to to too
"everything went black, and I fainted" added comma
Sixth paragraph:
Parenthesis not needed. Just "Suddenly something or someone whispered my name." reads just fine.
Seventh paragraph:
sister to sister's
Same thing about the dialogue paragraph rule as mentioned above.
Change to to too at the end.
Tenth paragraph:
"I tried to get comfortable myself, but it's virtually impossible..." sentence talks to the reader. Something to ask yourself is are you trying to make it seem like the main character is telling a story? Or are you seeing the story through his eyes? If it's the latter, you'll need to reword/remove any instances of him talking the reader. If your goal is him telling a story, then you're fine. Also, you don't need the comma after "sister's case,"
Twelfth paragraph:
First sentence is awkward. I suggest you change it to something like:
"Wow," she said.
Second sentence has too many and is too long. Break it up.
Suggestion:
She might have said more, but I'm not sure. Footsteps sounded in the hall and a door opened. The room was suddenly flooded with light. We both gasped. I saw spots dancing in front of me.
Last sentence seems confusing/I don't know what you're trying to say here.
Last paragraph:
Need comma after "awake"
Change you to "you're" ?
Thank you! I made the edits. Hope it's a little better.
Hi! whatcha here for a review!
Wow! Super cool story. Okay, I'm going to break this down.
First paragraph - you kind of imply the character wakes up feeling like somethings wrong, yet she completely doesn't, it seems. It is a really cool paragraph, though.
For all your talking, put a comma, like this: "Very funny Natalie,". I might add a comma like this, as well: "Very funny, Natalie,", but that's up to you. You didn't do that throughout the story, so just something to keep in mind.
Okay ... first, dot dot dot should have exactly three periods in a row, not four or five. Also, though I love to use them, as well, try not to overuse them.
And at the end, maybe you could describe the voice that said 'glad to see you awake', maybe it was creepy? Calm? Scary? Giggly?
Overall - great plot, I really want to see chapter two, keep writing!
Chapter two has been posted, it's called Alex and Rick.
Cool! I'll check it out!
Just stopping by for a quick review, thanks for posting this and allowing myself and others to read it. As always parts of this are my own opinion and you can do what you want with the advice. I always getting someone else’s opinion on things too to see if they agree!
This could just be me, but the fact you started with a question about waking up and feeling like something was wrong, and then never had a character wake up with the same feeling was confusing to me. I liked the question, because it made me think, but then your main character woke up like everything was fine, which made the first paragraph seem rather pointless to the flow of the story, besides the fact it foreshadowed something to come.
using “had” for the slime on the door makes me feel more like it is something in the past. I think just saying, “I realized that a green slime covered the whole door handle” makes it flow better.
This was so relatable for me. Because my sister can always sleep through anything and I used to jump on her bed all the time too. I think this did a good job of connecting their relationship as sisters.
I was like damn, when I read this, what is it going to be. Perked my interest for sure.
Wow I loved this paragraph. There was so much going on, so much intensity. I want to break it down a little bit because I feel like the flow had some disjointed moments. Overall great paragraph though.
First off the mannequin, nice. Enough said.
The description of the mannequin was marvelous. You described it like a person, I’m assuming she was turned into a mannequin, and then telling us how the eyes were filled with horror, it was wonderfully done. Throwing “sadly” in-between the description though kind of brought it to a halt for me. Obviously its sad that its not a joke, and it subtracted from the flow an the seriousness that you were creating, for me personally, not sure what others would think so ask around of course!
Also when you said “I meant to jump off the bed, but fell off instead as I scrambled for the door.” Saying you meant to jump off the bed doesn’t seem needed, and also detracted from the intensity for me. Of course your character didn’t mean to fall of the bed, who would do that on purpose, so it felt unnecessary. Just saying, “I was so startled I tumbled off the bed, hitting hard before scrambling for the door” I think helps it to flow more, so I would personally reword it. It helps keep the intensity flowing in my opinion.
“I hadn’t been burned, I had been branded!” – I was like damn girl get out of there, run! RUN!
using the same word so much in a row detracted from the intensity of this scene for me. I think just saying something like “I began to scream until my throat was raw and I felt close to passing out” keeps the flow better.
I am going to bring this up since this is now three sentences where you have used the Ellipsis (the …). So in writing it should be 3 of them, and there is always the danger of overusing them, and this can detract not add. Here’s a little excerpt from an article on it:
“Informal writing
In informal writing, an ellipsis can be used to represent a trailing off of thought.
If only she had . . . Oh, it doesn’t matter now.
An ellipsis can also indicate hesitation, though in this case the punctuation is more accurately described as suspension points.
I wasn’t really . . . well, what I mean . . . see, the thing is . . . I didn’t mean it.
Like the exclamation point, the ellipsis is at risk of overuse.”
I love that you’re using them, I would just watch how much and often you use them.
You keep using the word “alien” to describe the mannequin. I just think you could pick a better descriptor, just me two cents on that!
Should be “too”
Genius was an odd choice for your characters to use in their description for me. It almost sounds like a compliment, and I’m not sure what this psychopath has done to earn him the title of Genius in their minds?
Final Thoughts;
Good Job! I loved the mannequin, because I think dolls are freaking creepy, and the fact it could have maybe been her sister transformed or something filled me with interest, excitement, and some dread. You got a great start here.
The only things I want more of is some descriptions into who Kayla is. I also, surprisingly, did not mind you didn’t tell me her name until the end of the chapter, so good job on that. But what does Kayla look like, what is her personality? It felt a little vague in that sense for me. I know what Natalie looks like, but as for Kayla I have no idea. You could do it quickly, maybe even while she is in her room. Have her throw on some clothes, look in the mirror, comment on how she look, the color of her hair, her eyes and so on. Just would help me when picturing her personal.
Anyways great job, I enjoyed the beginning to this a lot, you have any questions on the review just let me know!
Thanks! I made some edits, so if you want to read again, Please do!
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