Published December 12, 2010
[deleted at author's request]
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey there!
This is very interesting. I'm excited to see what will happen after you edit and rewrite this. As is, this is more of a skeleton. I hope I can help you rewrite it so that it gains some meat, bones, and muscle.
Quotes 'N' Comments
Hmm... you mention a storm, and then you don't do anything about that storm. In this story, you mention things a lot one time, but don't expand on them. That is why this is a skeleton. If you mention that there is a storm, us as readers are going to think it's important and automatically remember it. This is why you need to either 1. expand on the storm idea or 2. delete it out.
This also applies to how you called the thing who takes them to the new time a creature, even though you expand to give him human qualities. It applies to how you describe the land, in two sentences. Also how you describe the friends and how they get to the land. All of it is bland, but I'll expand on some of those later.
This is really bad. It makes your character seem stupid, immature and boring. If a weird alien creature looking thing came into your class and summoned you and two other creatures, wouldn't you be scared? I would. You need a real reason why she says it all casually, or you need to readdress this.
Creature -> human -> it doesn't matter. Yes it does matter. I don't know why you say this. Is it because you don't know how to describe him? We really need to know what he looks like to get a picture of what these futuristic people look like. I mean, all I vision now when I think of your story is a blank piece of paper. Not good.
Characters
Your characters are very bland. I've already talked about the man above, so you know you need to expand on this. I like his personality so far, but you do need to expand on your idea. Anyways, moving on to your other three characters. Like the first thing I mentioned above, you say that they have some sort of magical ability, but you only say it once. This should be a main part of your novel. This magical power they have is the quality that defines your characters. That means that it needs to be the main focus before they move in to a different world.
I don't like the way you start. It's an opening that just leads you into this poorly written first chapter. If you started not in the action, it would be so much better. Start calmly, and build up to this scene, that way you can define your characters more. I think that there needs to be a part about their powers, how they got their powers, and how they discovered they all have the same power, before they head off to this new world.
Plot
As I said before, you just start in the wrong place here. This chapter alone should be split into three separate chapters. You should have one about how the creature/man comes, one about how he convinces them to come, and what the journey to the future is like, and third about the new world. There is too much crammed in here, and it's so short because you describe nothing, hence the skeleton. This is good for a rough draft. It's good that you got your ideas down on paper. Now before writing chapter two, you need to go on and add details in and expand on this idea. It will make it a whole lot less confusing, and a whole lot more interesting.
I think you have an interesting idea here. One of the things that bugs me about writers on YWS is that they feel like they have to explain what their story is about before we read it. You do the same, your italics before the story starts. You need to not do this. You need to, instead, spend time making sure we know what you're talking about with no explanation. If this were a published work, you would not be able to explain what's going on before people read it. Treat the stories you post on YWS like a published work.
You're a good writer, just make your skeleton into a human.
Keep writing,
Classy
Haha, grammar nazi. Thanks! Silly mistakes I made... I'll fix them soon. I'll probably post more later!
Hello! I will review to the best of my ability for you. Corrections are in red.
Sorry for getting nit picky. I am sort of a grammar nazi
I thought this was a great start overall! It sounds very interesting, and I'd like to read the rest.
One thing I would have to say is that you should add more detail of what your MC is thinking or feeling. I get that she is somewhat fearless, therefore she is not as freaked out as her friends, but you should include some sort of description.
Also, some parts went a little fast, like when Zorand showed up in the classroom. I would say to just slow it down a little bit and take your time.
Other than those things, I believe this is the beginning to a great adventure story! Could you PM me when you put more up? I'll be happy to review
Bella
Thank you! I was trying to work in the descriptions of the four, before. I will take your questions in consideration and try to answer them in the story. Thank you!
Hey there! I'm fairly new here so please bear with me and this will be the first time I’ve review a short story. Also, please take note that everything I say is entirely constructive criticism. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is offend a fellow writer.
I’m enjoying the storyline so far but there is room for improvement. Firstly, let me say that I was really drawn in by the first paragraph but onwards I was left slightly confused. For instance, did Alexandra already know Zorand? I got the feeling that they were already acquainted when she didn’t hesitate to follow him... or maybe that’s just me. Personally, I think some more description could be added beforehand to help the reader grasp a better understanding of the characters, the landscape where the story is set and why they were chosen for the task.Why are we at war in the future? Why have we become slaves? Why hasn't anything changed? Giving a history is an important key in creating depth; it can envelope the reader into the story.
In my opinion, the story so far is looking exicting but very concise. As Alexx said, it needs to be a bit more elaborated. Other than that, I look foward to reading the next chapter!
Don't let critics discourage you,
Welldone and goodluck in the future!
- Error404
Thank you. I see what you mean about the advanced thing. I edited it, thanks again!
Ok Writer, i see that you have potential of writing something "good". When i read the start i realized it was amazing unlike a lot of starting of stories i have read here this one was very good as it makes you read more.
ill be reading all your works, keep it up! 
However once you read through you seem to get disappointed, don't get me wrong but there are some wrong things in here like you say in the start that every thing is the same but later you say that it was much advanced. You could have said not every thing has changed or not much has changed to fill the connection.
The plot was good for the first chapter, but every ting was too short and precise you need to elaborate if you want to write a novel.
I would recommend a re-write,
Hope i helped
and remember to stay motivated.
Yours Truly
- Alexx
p.s in no means is this is to offend you