NOTE: This is actually my story. I went through this, and would not wish it upon anyone. I thank you all so much for reading this.
You've picked on me so long,
With never any reason.
Kindergarten was my favorite year,
Before all your teasing,.
Then it starting killing me,
An awful pain was what I'd seen.
I tried to hide it peacefully,
But things got only worse you see.
Then when fifth grade came around,
My head was always to the ground,
Scared to show my pretty face.
The popular kids,
I had none of there grace.
Everyday I tried to hide the storm,
I'd kept so deep inside.
But I couldn't hold,
After all the pain I already had withstood.
I started writing suicide notes,
Ten years old,
With a death wish trying to uphold.
I was so scared,
Then they took me,
To a mental institution.
You see,
All I wanted was it stopped,
But they had to play games with my heart.
It made me stronger and know I see,
The weaknesses inside of me.
The very next year,
In sixth grade of course.
They left me alone,
Scared of my red flaky,
Psoriasis infected spots.
I was glad they were gone,
Happy in fact,
But even that cannot last.
Then in 7th grade I was at last,
Put in classes with the best,
I was happy and scared.
But they were for once nice,
Could be possible,
The people who hurt me so bad.
Could be my friends,
I was confused,
But I toughed it out like everything.
I learned to survive,
And my life was,
For once good.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
It's really good. The only problem I noticed was it rushed a little. It was as if he flew through childhood. You might have wanted to make it more slow and agonizing. Other than that it was overall a really good poem. I felt the pain coming from it.
I wish this poem had more depth. I loved it all in all, but I feel word choice needs to be looked at. I will not give you the words. I will let you decide for your self. I just think with a little clever word-choosing this poem can be beyond good to perfect. It is very emotional and conveys a since acceptance for life and it's problems.
Is this based off of that news piece about the girl who committed suicide after being bullied? Because I heard that this morning and it was one of the saddest things, because this sort of thing happens so much but isn't really given a second thought. If it isn't, it's still very sad. Anyway, back onto the poem itself - even though I admire what you're speaking out against, I honestly think this needs some work. It's not bad, really; I just think it has potential to be a lot more. My first suggestion would be to stop forcing the rhyme scheme and just let it flow free-verse. You also have a lot of commas, where I wouldn't put any or I'd put a period instead. But anyway, I only say this stuff because it has the potential to be even better.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
It's sad but amazing. It's hard to think that someone would have to go through something like this. I thought it was really good and it painted an nice picture of your feelings as well. I do like the flow of the poem. Keep writing, your good at it!
Wow. I feel so bad for you!!! Is this true?!?! *huggles* ok... this is a critique, so I have to give something bad.The flow is a bit interrupted. but other then that, this was an amazing, meaningful poem!