Published October 3, 2011
I am homeless,
It's that simple,
What can I say,
There is no doubt,
I live on the streets,
I sleep stars,
I am dirty,
Cold.
I wish for security,
A place to call my own,
Place of hope,
Happiness,
A place to live,
As life should be lived.
I may never see that place,
Or maybe one day I will,
I don't know,
But I will try,
And eventually,
I'll win.
For now I am homeless,
Sleeping in a box,
There's so much more to me,
But for now I'll make the best,
Of the messed up life,
I have.
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Hey Mickeystwin33,
I think you can do quite a bit with this poem. Firstly, maybe just use this as a basis or foundation
to build on. The concept is good, but make it clearer. Perhaps breaking it up into two parts you
can talk about - his feelings and life now, and secondly, what he wishes for. (Or however you want
to do it!) Once you have that figured out, then start on it again.
An important thing to do, when you are talking from the point of view of a character is to express
those character's emotions and feelings, so the reader knows what he/she is thinking and is able
to develop an emotional connection to the character. You need to throw in more feelings, and since
this is a homeless person, there'd be many dark and sad feelings inside them. You need to express
this and put strong emphasis on them. Describe his/her world and how they cope.
Also, I'm not quite sure this is 'narrative poetry'. To me, its more dramatic poetry since its being
told from the point of view of a single person. If you did want to write it as a narrative poem, think
of a very simple, easy and short storyline you can use, and take the reader on a journey through it.
If you have any questions or comments, please ask!
Miyakko.
I found this poem to be on the surface. Contrary to your first stanza I think being homeless is pretty complex as you illustrate: living on the street, being cold and dirty. The third stanza is perfect. The fourth stanza is optimistic, some people are forever homeless--physically and some emotionally, maybe talk about that? And in the last stanza I fount it kind of offensive that you said being homeless is a messed up life because I'm sure some homeless people would say they like how they live. Good work so far, but you can do better! Keep writing!
This is an interesting poem. You take a unique take on homeless people, longing to have a place of their own. One comment I have is that if a thought ends, even if it's in the middle of a stanza, you should put a period at the end, not a comma. For instance,
"I am homeless,
It's that simple.
What can I say?
There is no doubt."
But overall, I do really like your poem, especially the hopelessness of the last stanza.