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Nameless : can't think of a better name

by Michael_broken

the world isn't fair , that's something everyone knows and a lesson akihito knew personally , he had experienced it's unfairness first hand ,when he was 5 years his father left him and his mother for a new family , at 10 his younger sister had been kidnapped and murdered by unknown assailants and at 14 his last and only hope in the world had passed , he was all alone in the world yet that did not phase him at all , or it seemed .After his mother's death , his father Tenma started to send money so that he could take care of himself , akihito knew that this wasn't about love but that it was a sense of duty that had been forced on him by the courts , he kept going to school and he happened to be extremely intelligent yet he just wanted to go unnoticed , he got perfect scores without even trying ,not once had he studied any books throughout his whole life . he was discontent with his life and that of others , why was it that they had to die who had made that decision was it God , and why wasn't he supposed to be benevolent, fair and just then why had he lost everything , why was there so much destruction in the world and why was he alive, his existence meant nothing life was meaningless yet he kept on living one might ask why he didn't take his own life , I guess it was due to his mother's last wish that he kept on living in such a world .

akihito now a teen of 16 years , an avid highschool student with no friends at all and an otaku had grown with these questions in his heart , he saw no value in emotions they were nothing more than chemicals reacting in the brain , friends were nothing more than tethers to a reality that meant nothing , they were just people that kept them from insanity in the discovery that life was meaningless and that the only thing that truly existed was death , despair and destruction , family just happened to be people that we shared more genetic similarities with than any other people , in the end they were still people , akihito admired animals he loved how they were true to their impulses and how they lived how they wanted to without rules about morals and how they should lead their lives there was no such thing as evil or good in his eyes these concepts meant nothing to him Instead he believed good and evil are nebulous, and that humans give actions these names , he was essentially a self proclaimed nihilist

Friday felt like a lull it was stagnant and there was tension in the air , other than that it was perfectly normal , school had been the same he had spent the day leisurely sitting in the class day dreaming of what life would have been like if he hadn't lost the things he cared about , who knows maybe he would have had friends , fallen in love and laughed genuinely and cared for others .This meant nothing in the long run ,he could not live that life that was not what it had in store for him .Akihito sighed as he realised what he had been thinking about , it was useless to think of such things and yet he couldn't help it .


after school I took the usual route to home , l lived alone but you could have already guessed that by the way I introduced myself , today was manga day I would pass by the book store and pick up a couple of books for the weekend and luckily for me the store happened to be en route to my house , I dropped my bag and when l picked it up

and looked at the sky it looked brighter than usual or maybe that's how I remember it , in a flash I heard [boom] , what was that , people were screaming for help , their deafening cries muddled my thoughts (what was happening I thought to myself , what was that noise ), again l heard the sound [boom] . I turned to the right where I saw a woman holding a gun she was shooting at the crowd , I saw the blood of people who had been shot my heart started to race ,wasn't this what I wanted ,destruction and death ? , the Gunner turned to me with a smile that bough malice and said [ are you looking at me? ] , how was I supposed to answer such a question ( yes I was looking at her but could l seriously say that ) , an answer popped out of my mouth [ no l wasn't ] I said with a forced smile ( she looks trigger happy and if l say yes she might just shoot me too , I have to force a smile and act as though I'm not mentally distraught by what l see ) , these thoughts raced through my head . She kept her gaze at me and kept shooting into the crowd ,my heart started to hurt as the air was filled with the smell of blood and the screams of people , young ,old , women and men. ( how was it that this woman was able to keep her composure as she committed these despicable acts and why did it hurt me to see them crying wasn't I a nihilist , weren't their lives meaningless as mine wasnt it unnecessary for them to live ) even though these thoughts were mine I felt compelled to move , my hands moved on their own ( stop l shouted to my hands ) , the woman was again preoccupied by her deeds ,l could have held her down and stopped this massacre ,( wasn't the anyone who could have stopped her besides me , why should it be me who has to do this ) these thoughts kept ringing in my mind but my body was already moving and before l knew it I had kicked her legs and she had staggered and fallen to the ground . l then held her hands behind her and kicked the gun away the event didn't go as fluid as this it was more of a skirmish , [ what are you doing brat ] , she asked me I said nothing as she looked at me with eyes that tore through me , ( how could anyone enjoy this ) I thought of saying it to her but it wasn't worth it , [ brat , brat , braaaat , let me go , hey I'm talking to you , I said let me go ] , (let her go was she crazy why would I let her go ), I tightened my grip on her arms , now she wouldn't be able to move I might not have been physically stronger than her but I could at least keep her down for a few minutes before someone came to aid me . She kept squirming around and my grip loosened , taking that as a chance she wrestled her arm from me and took out a knife and stabbed me before l could react , I staggered backwards and looked at my stomach ( what's happening why lam bleeding what's this pain in my stomach , where is all this blood coming from ) , I started laughing and l didn't know why and how I was still standing with such a wound , time slowed down and l fell to the ground I saw all the faces of the people I had helped , they just stood there with puzzled looks on their faces that's when l realised that help wasn't coming I had just wasted my life to save ants that had no reason to save me nor to live , what was done was done ( how stupid am l , why would I do that if I hadn't I would have kept my promise to mom and lived on , I'm sorry Mom I could not keep your promise )

my eyes started to close and then l heard another [boom ] , another gunshot ,seemed she was back to killing but then as my eyes closed l saw her fall down and blood coming out of her abdomen , she had been shot ,( serves her right ) my eyes finally closed and l was surrounded by darkness my final thoughts being ( at least it's over ) and l died 

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173 Reviews

Points: 3187
Reviews: 173

Mon Jun 21, 2021 7:32 am
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fukase wrote a review...

Hi, won't be commenting much on the mechanic.

The story started with a typical modern shounen mc, ok I guess. For me, you don't really need to explain A-Z about what to boy can do or feel. Just pick a point and expand it. Putting all these information would just be wasted potential on what you can write on the next part/chapter whatever. And also about pronoun, on the first half, just use "he" to the end of the part because you did mixed some "I"s there. Well, as I said try to pick a point and expand it, the story feels like more of a draft or ideas put together. Take time to rewrite this especially if you can't seem to find more ideas later on.

Moving on to the next half, there is a lot of action going on, and I can say good job for able to describe it slowly. This half can be better if you give some more back story to the "myself" like you did with the boy. Just a bit of backstory because all these actions make it hard to catch up if you don't explain who the "myself" is. You can add name and describe the appearance so the readers can imagine who in all these actions going on.

Okay, happy writing!

Thank you for your review yeah, this was a draft
I wrote a lot of chapters but never got the chance to fix problems.

Myself isn't a character but the title, we are looking into the protagonist'a thought process.
I need help with a title if you can provide one it would be great. The story follows a bunch of characters and there are things happening in the background so it might get disjointed... I will put part two here once I'm done just writing it

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6 Reviews

Points: 161
Reviews: 6

Sun Jun 20, 2021 10:20 pm
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JdoggyGirl wrote a review...

First off, I would like to suggest capitalization and proper punctuation as well as spacing in between commas and different paragraphs. It goes a long way in first impressions. After the first few sentences, you’ve got me hooked, talking about the unfairness of the world, something everyone can relate to.

In the part ”at 14 his last and only hope in the world had passed.” Do you mean his mother by that? It can be inferred, but I think it would be better if it were a little less ambiguous.

“he kept going to school and he happened to be extremely intelligent yet he just wanted to go unnoticed.” I think the wording could possibly be a little better here. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘He kept going to school. He was impossibly intelligent, yet wanted only to be unnoticed.’ I dunno it just kinda feels better.

“and why wasn't he supposed to be benevolent, fair and just then why had he lost everything” could also be phrased a bit better, I personally think. More like ‘And if he was supposed to be [lists good traits](I would write them, but I’m on mobile) then why had he lost everything?’

There’s a lot more plot, and I feel this is just the set up/backstory for a fantastic, dramatic story. I’ve already written a lot though, at least for my tapping fingers, and I might come back and give a few more suggestions.

Thank you for your review, I will take everything you said into consideration and try to fix it up. The story has a lot of characters so I still need to fix their motivations etc for now this is just a draft

And with your suggestions I hope to make it better

Ps: I'm a comma freak so you will see a lot of those.

Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare