okay-done it!
“Thomas Manson?” They stood there, cold and rigid, staring at him.
“Yeah, that‘s me.” Tom stared back, uncertain.
“I’m afraid we have some…unfortunate news.” One of them, the taller one, stepped forward. “Do you have a seat by any chance? We could use one.”
One seat for two men? Tom shrugged and dragged a couple of rickety chairs from against the wall and brought them over. The taller one sat down first, quickly followed by the second man who was shorter. And rounder. He seemed to be in awe of the taller man, watching him closely and copying everything he did.
“My name is Geoffrey Hilton and this is Hugh Dawson. We work for the police, Special Investigations department.” The man called Hugh Dawson nodded and attempted a smile. It turned out to be more of a grimace.
Tom froze. Police. Special Investigations.
“Why’re you in normal clothes?” He tried to sound casual.
“Oh, these?” Geoffrey Hilton smiled stiffly. “We’re off duty today.”
“Then why’re you here?”
“Oh uh, we’re here to bring you some news. That is, some facts about a certain woman.”
“Mum. What about her?” Tom was losing patience. He knew they’d come to tell him something about his mother, but they seemed to like dawdling.
“Oh, you know about it? I wonder why Gillis sent us then.” Geoffrey Hilton glared at his colleague who squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.
“No. I don’t know about ‘it’. But I know you’ve come here to tell me something about Mum. That’s all anyone ever comes here for.” Tom said.
“I see. Well, your mother, Alice Manson, was found dead this morning. She was apparently staying in the local hospital when she died.”
There was a long, dreadful silence. Hugh Dawson coughed nervously and the sound echoed hollowly around the room.
“Where is she.” Tom‘s body was as straight and stiff as the wall he leant against. His eyes stared, seeing nothing at all except the face of his mother. From that moment on, her image was etched permanently in his memory. Alice Manson. The only person he’d ever loved. She was dead.
“The late Mrs. Manson is in the morgue at the moment, but they’ll be burying her tomorrow. You were the only relation we could find. In fact, you are her only relation. So there you are, those are the facts.”
“No, they aren’t.” Tom spoke with a hardness in his usually placid voice.
“I beg your pardon?” Geoffrey Hilton seemed offended, as did his partner.
“You didn’t tell me why she died. Or how she died. I want to know.”
The two men glanced at each other, almost sarcastically. “We don’t know for certain, but we think it was drug overdose. Anyway, that’s the most apparent cause so far.”
Tom Manson sat down on a chair and put his head in his hands. “I need to be alone.”
“Ah yes, but there is still the problem of where you will go and stay. You can’t stay in this shack by yourself right now.” Hilton sounded like he was talking to a kindergarten kid.
“I’m sixteen! Plus, I don’t care anyway. I just want to be alone.”
Hugh Dawson summed up enough courage to speak. “We have no proof of your age, therefore we cannot possibly leave you by yourself.” He took a breath, as if his sentence had been hard to deliver.
“Look, why would you care about me, when Mum’s been living in this stupid shack all her life? Why would you care? Just get lost.” Tom turned his back on them.
Geoffrey Hilton reddened. So did his companion.
For once in their lives, they actually experienced the feeling of shame.
No problem 
. When you've posted the next part I'll be happy to read it, just let me know.
Hey thanks Noxious, that was really helpful. 
guess what? The next part, ironically, does include descriptions, and is mainly about Tom's thoughts. I've already written it, plus the start of part three.
I'll make changes soon, because when I was re-reading it today, I read something I wanted to change, plus some bits you suggested.
What Noxious said I think it really needs a bit more description of the men/the room etc
It’s a very short story so it was very easy to read. It was good but needs something to give it a more interesting read.
You could have described what it was like inside the room, were they in the living room, hallway or did they sit by the door. “Do you have a seat by any chance? We could use one.”
One seat for two men? Tom shrugged and dragged a couple of rickety chairs from against the wall and brought them over . You could have written: “Could we come in please?” the tall man said. The police could introduce themselves at this point to assure Tom that they are not any old strangers.
“I suppose so,” Tom shrugged and led the men to the small living room. He dragged a couple of rickety chairs from against the wall and gestured for the two men to sit down.
Geoffrey Hilton smiled stiffly. “We’re off duty today.” I think the police would have sent someone on duty rather than someone who was meant to be having a day off.
“You didn’t tell me why she died. Or how she died. I want to know.”
This could have been changed to: Tom shock his head. She’s not dead, she’s not dead, he kept thinking. “She can’t be dead! You didn’t tell me why she died. Or how she died. I want to know. I want to see her.”
The bit that interested me was The two men glanced at each other, almost sarcastically. Because it makes it seem as though the police have something to hide, maybe the mother did not die from a drug overdose…
For once in their lives, they actually experienced the feeling of shame. Since Tom told them to get lost it would have been better to add They left Tom and for once in their lives they actually experienced the feeling of shame.
It wasn’t too bad I think the next part should include Tom’s feelings towards his mother’s death and would be better if it was quite longer than this part. If you make a few changes to Part 1 it would be a lot better than it is now. Some of the dialogue needs to be changed and a few descriptions need to be added. I can't really say more at the moment.
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