Failure Not

It’s the friends you never made because you were too scared to try. It’s the time that you refused to get behind the wheel because you thought you’d screw up. It’s the test you wouldn’t study for so you’d have an excuse when you failed. It’s the boy you wouldn’t tell, “I love you,” when you were too shy to ask. It’s the dreams that didn’t come true because you were too afraid to fly.

            It’s the fear of failure that so cripples you. It takes you and makes nothing out of everything. It eats you from the inside. It makes you regret not reaching out, toward that one goal, the one thing that would make everything right.

            Many teenagers dream of that day when they are able to finally get behind that wheel, and start driving. It’s a symbol of freedom, of independence. It’s exhilarating. I, however, spent too long cowering behind the safety of dependence, of having someone handing me things that were out of reach. The passenger seat was always easier, risk free, safe. I was afraid of losing my training wheels. But when I finally let go, I never wanted to go back.

            I recall now, the time when it all became clear to me.  It took many years to learn, but eventually, the apple fell out of the tree, hit me on the head, and made me realize what I had been missing my entire life.

The key to success in life came to me in a bathroom.

            It was a Saturday morning in the middle of summer, the rays of the fiery sun partially hidden behind white, fluffy clouds. Dew still clung to the sharp blades of grass, dripping slowly into the damp dirt hidden beneath. A light breeze was ruffling the leaves of trees, and shaking the more fragile of limbs. Birds sang out to one another, others responding, completing the phrase. It was a beautiful morning. But I saw it only through a distorted window. I was trapped in my bathroom, my mom having forbidden me from going out until it had been cleaned. I’d had to call my friends and tell them I wouldn’t be able to go out with them. I was green with envy that my sister didn’t have to help, and my eyes were red with anger that I wasn’t able to do anything. My hands had been shaking with frustration so much that I had dropped the roll of paper towels in my hand as I made my way to the bathroom that morning.

And going back, I wouldn’t change a thing, even if I could.

            An important factor to consider in my sudden epiphany is my love of music. Music is in my ears, my eyes, my heart, my soul. Music is as important to me as food and water. I get my morals from the songs I listen to. I find the stories depicted in songs to hold more than a thousand page novel. I’m that person who will take out their iPod for those six minutes between classes to squeeze in one song. I’m the kind of person who can memorize a song, word for word, second by second, note by note. This love for the sounds of melodies, and harmonies is what brought me to my realization that a fear of failure isn’t an excuse to fail. 

            I say this, because if I hadn’t felt the need to listen to Pandora radio while I was cleaning, I would never have heard the song that changed my life.

            I had my device turned up to full volume; I was shut in my bathroom, cleaner in one hand, a rag in the other. A song I had never heard came on, and I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics. The beat was catchy, and I swayed along to the music as I scrubbed down the sink.

 “It’s all the dreams that never came true, cause you’re too scared to try.” The first line to register in my brain. I came to a sudden realization in that moment. That’s who I am. The dreamer afraid to reach for my goal. I will never get anywhere unless I get my head out of the clouds, and make a fantasy come true. Nobody is going to hand me my hopes, dreams and wishes on a silver platter. I can’t continue to let the fact that I may not succeed stop me from reaching for my dreams.

            From that day onward, I have not allowed fear of failure to get in my way. I never hesitate to take that first step. The mountain may be enormous, and I’ll have to accept that sometimes, I will lose the battle climbing uphill. But if I try to climb that mountain every day, and I get farther each time, eventually, I will reach my destination.