A stream flows quietly around her feet
Waiting for someone she wishes to meet.
Time ticks by, the stream turns into a river..
She stands alone not wanting to shiver.
What she doesn't recognise..Is that the river is turning into the sea..
Thinking to herself, 'Will he come back to me,'
And she stands strong, hoping with all her heart
That her hopes will never fall apart.
She believed...that one day he would arrive,
And she still stands, she doesnt know if he's alive..
The sea is gradually turning in to an ocean.
The screams drown in the rising comotion...
And that's when she starts to realise,
That the waterfall, started..and fell from her own eyes....
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
thankyou! ^_^ wow i've never had anyone corect my work so properly, thanx alot!
Wow! I really liked this one, Mia.
Here's a few things I need to point out though:
What I did here was give you an example of how you can shorten your sentences, but still convey the exact same message and imagery. The first few lines, however, were rather bland and cliche, meaning they have been used too many times. I am glad, though, that your poem seems to be taking a turn.
I liked this stanza because: the river is becoming a sea, and now she's questioning what she believes in. Very good!
You changed tenses near the end there, so I just had to fix that up a bit. I don't like to reword other's work myself, but just think as what I put in bold as suggestions as to what would make the poem a but more fluid.
I really liked this piece! I thought it was a unique idea...the concept of how someone could literally drown in their tears. This was a very nice piece (just be sure to at least consider what I pointed out).
Keep writing
*anti-pop