A snake is slithering its way to her room
She sleeps soudlessly unaware of her doom.
Its black scaly skin streached tight across its body
Red eyes cold, ready for the kill,
It's always been here, but curled up so still.
But now poisen burnt away its cage,
Now it twists and hisses in rage..
About to attack with poison,
This demon snake. Ten times the size of python.
Effortlessly it moves closer to the girl in dreams
Watching its silent movements, deadly it seems.
Wrapping its body around her fragile one,
He attack, one..two..three he's gone...
He turned into the killer and was absorbed by her blood.
Through her vains thick blackness starts to flood,
When she wakes she will not be the same...
Now she's caught in the snake's killing game....
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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If the rhyme scheme is going to be AABCC, make sure you keep it that way, ok? If you don't it confuses readers (especially if read aloud).
Don't use poison as a weapon twice in one stanza. You say, "poison burnt away the cage" and "about to attack with poison". That's repetitive and unnecessary. You have also now changed the scheme of your poem to AABC. (I think you meant python to rhyme with poison, but that it way too much of a leap)
So what I did here was I took out unnecessary words.Without these first few words, the poem is more like a narrative poem rather than a narrative story. Also, don't try to rhyme one and gone. I find it extremely annoying when people do that. (But hey, that's just me)
The snake was absorbed by her blood? What does that mean? Make sure to that you make at least some sense in your poetry.
Overall Impression:
I liked the idea, and you had a lot to work with. However, it was a bit too long, and a few of the sentences could be reworded. Make sure to work on your grammar (a thesaurus is your friend!) and spelling (spell check before you post, please!).
*anti-pop
Hi Mia,
Just so you know, there is a rule here about posting two reviews before posting a piece of your own work. Its also advised that a ratio of 2 reviews to 1 work is kept. Now, to the review.
It may just be my feeling, but perhaps this would look better as follows, "A snake slithers its towards her room." It also creates an alliteration. You're the writer, so if you don't agree, just ignore me.
I think that you mean "stretched tightly". This sentence still however strikes me as a little forced.
If its always been here, than how come just a few moments ago, it was slithering towards her room? Although, I think I understand what you mean, but its not that clear.
I think that you mean "poison has burnt away its cage".
Python and poison don't rhyme, even poetic license is a little stretched. Also, you used the word poison just above, and the lines seem a little forced and unnatural. Perhaps you want something more along the lines of
"The snake is poised, ready to strike,
The demon snake, has a tooth like a spike."
You want a comma after "Effortlessly".
Perhaps you want to change the first line to "The snake wraps its body around her fragile one".
It should be he attacks
You've changed tenses here. I would advise sticking to one tense throughout the poem. The present tense as it turns out is very effective.
All in all, I think you had some really nice imagery here. There are just a couple of nitpicky details that I would change, but the more you practice, the more these nitpicky details seem to fall away!
Welcome to YWS