I was only a lonely thief, of beautiful roses
Because I had once been a victim of harsh crimes.
The criminals were never punished,
They stole my heart
They stole my love
My trust.
[[Invaded My Mind]]
And now,Look at Me.
I am only a lonely beggar.
So what can I give you?
Look into my eyes,
They're empty...
In my soul, there is Too Much Darkness.
In my chest, sorrowful Nothing lingers there, Alone
And, Look at You.
Your crystal tears are expensive.
So why do you waste them?
If i could only take:
The silver sadness, From your eyes..
The rusty gold, From your heart..
The painful empitness, From my eyes..
And the sorrowful nothing, From my lost heart.
I, the beggar, would combine them all together,
Until an ingrediant is created, Love.
I would place it in your open hands,
Would you share?
Or walk away, leaving me alone..
With your shattered crystal tears...x...
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
All in all I like the poem. The rhythm does need a bit of work.
I really like the creative use of grammar and punctuation to accentuate the imagery.
The story is very heart felt and speaks to my emotions
an example here is that the rhythm is thrown off by the commas.
I do love the poem
Thanks
I think the imagery you've come up with here is brilliant. That said, there are some things that do need to be worked on. On an unrelated note, poetry doesn't actually have to rhyme, as Jenthura said.
Anyways, one of the things that needs most work is the rhythm. Try reading the poem aloud, and the rhythm will come. I won't tell you what to change, because that's something that you need to figure out for yourself.
There are also some basic edits that need to be made, but Jenthura went into those above, so I won't go into that.
All in all, the style that you decided to use is amazing. The italics and whatnot really highlight the imagery and enhance the poem overall.
You just need to make a few tweaks, and it'll be great! I'd love to read more of your work!
~Reddy
What's with the brackets?
You need a space after the comma, and 'Look' doesn't need to be capitalized.
'i' needs to uppercase.
It's 'ingredient', but I still don't think that's the right world. You use ingredients to create a final product. You don't combine things and create an ingredient, metaphorically speaking.
You have a good thing here, but you need to work on a few problems (aside from the ones I've mentioned) like holding the poem together. If it's a poem, it should rhyme, if not, then it should at least have beat or even syllables. Even if you have none of that, then it's really, really freelance, and I have nothing to say about that.
But never mind, just keep working on it, you'll get it someday.
Jenth