Published November 16, 2009
This is a short lyrical song I wrote,
was having trouble with the end and finally got something
welcoming feedback of all sorts.
Just as I thought it would be okay
The world turns and starts to decay
Emotions took their toll as the emptiness inside ate me whole
Flashing memories break before my eyes
And the death of me brought questions of why
The only reason was rotten air and the fear and loathing
Brought into despair…
I cannot imagine a world without the thoughts of
Impending destruction
The tears of broken hearts fill its eruption.
It is for the world we live in; we have the few to thank.
It is for the world we live in, no one will give thanks.
It is for the world we live in, hell will expand.
It is for the world we live in, justice will disband.
It is for the world we live in, amity fallen to rewind.
Eruption fills the fault lines
Cracks never undone purging all minds
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Canary word: Present
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139,571 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hey, MexDef.
(First of all, try to make a clear division between your lyrics and author's notes.)
The flow in this song is overall good. There are no major rhythm or rhyming problems, but as you said yourself, the song is quite short. With a strong topic like this, you could do with some expansion in my opinion. Also, I would like it if you had planned a clear A part, a B part, and possibly a C part as well – now it's just line after line with no specific nuances.
This was the part that I had most problems with, and I think it's just a quick solution made without anything better in mind. Unfortunately, it shows, and I hope you'll come up with a better way to say what you intended.
This is a powerful thought, and it's clearly leading us to the climax of the song, which is why I think it should be expanded. All in all, the song could be longer with at least one more stanza. Try to also think of the A, B, and C parts.
Keep writing!
Demeter
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