“I decorated it myself. You like it?” His voice sounded a little further away now.
I didn’t answer.
“It’s not finished yet, but I like it already. It’s funny how placing a few things lightens the place up instantly.”
“Where am I?” I asked with a low and dry voice.
“You’re being rude again” He answered with a warning yet playful voice.
“Who are you?”
“All in time.”
“Do I know you?”
“Silly little you. Of course you know me! We are pretty close actually. As close as life and death I suppose you could say. See? They are very closely connected yet they are so different.”
“I need water.”
“Again you’re going off-topic.”
“…Why am I here?” I coughed again because I tried to raise my voice.
“Bingo! That was the right question! You can take your prize on your way out.”
“Then answer it!”
“Calm down, calm down, no reason to shout. You’re here to join me on a little trip through time. First we’re going to see the past and later on we’re going to see the future. Isn’t it exciting?” His voice sounded sincerely excited.
“Listen, if this is some kind of a joke I’ve had enough, untie me right now.”
“A JOKE!?” He laughed with a growling sound but again high pitched at the same time and then he continued:
“No, no my friend. I’m being dead serious. I know you’re a little burned up right now, but believe me you’re not nearly as burned up as I am, so just try to play along and maybe you’ll enjoy it too.”
Without actual thinking I responded: “Fine.” And quickly added to that : “But I need some water.”
“And you’ll get some.”
I heard him walking away from me, and that’s when I noticed that the sound his walk made wasn’t really normal. First of all it sounded like he was bare-footed, not only that but it seemed that he was limping as well.
I heard him grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He limped back to me, but again stopped right behind me, and said :
“Now, I got a vase for you because, well, your hands are tied. Don’t worry it’s a clean vase. I’ll put it between your legs so you can hold it that way.”
“How am I supposed to..”
“…I wasn’t finished talking. There’s a straw in it as well, it’s long enough to reach your mouth. I’ll put the straw in your mouth. If you try to bite me or something like that, it will be the last water you’ll ever see. Is that clear?”
“Ok.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is pretty small, but I was under the impression that the saying was "All in good time"? Not sure, just something to look at, I guess.
Now, I have a tendency to use way too many commas when I am writing. However, it seems like you have the opposite thing going on, or maybe I'm just a little biased.
I'm thinking there should be a comma after "again" and the "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
A comma after "again".
To me, this is a little bit of an awkward sentence, although it could just be me. Maybe you could reword it so that "I tried to raise my voice" comes first. Something like, "I tried to raise my voice, but instead, I started to cough". Or maybe just replace "because" with "when".
To me, it sounds like there should be a comma after "thinking", but as I mentioned, I tend to be a little bit generous with those, so maybe not.
Comma after "First of all", but more importantly, I feel as though this sentence is worded a bit strangely. Maybe you could replace the "not only that" with "secondly," or just take out the "First of all" altogether and then add in "and".
A lot of this is really just nit-picking and small grammar issues. As far as the overall story itself goes, I will say that I have not yet read the other parts of this story, but I found this section here to be pretty intriguing. While I don't know the whole picture, I can kind of gather what is going on and I think it's a cool plot line to be pursuing. I think you've done a good job establishing the character roles and you've got some action going on there, which is good. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with your writing.
As promised, I'm here at last to review.
Again your antagonist here is quite frightening. Especialy the way he expects only the right answer. It reminds me of something I saw on tv once. It's how kidnappers ensure obedience from their victims by making them too scared to even think something that they haven't been told to. For that I reckon this is probably the last person in the world I would want end up in a roomwith.
The main thing that needs work here is that there is so much reference to the way voices sound. Tell me about the other stuff, like the smells of the place. Surely the voices are not the only sounds. What is your character feeling inwardly? What do they imagine the stranger to look like?
The more variety in your descriptions the more vivid the description will be.
Now. On to part three.