Published November 14, 2005
I'm really not sure about this one, so any constructive criticism would be more than welcome.
Light
This silhouette lies beside me
Faint curves of silver amidst an eternity of shadow
An engine moans its metallic liturgy,
And for a second light is thrown upon her
A second which seems to linger far beyond its domain,
Silence returns and the moment dies
Darkness reclaims her form, yet beauty remains
Time continues its march heralded only by your breathes
Her etched crescents wax as the moon falls
And as those lunar etchings broaden
A faint pastel glow spreads to you face
The golden sun reflected in your eyes telling me that day has come
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141,689 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Thats kinda what i thought, i had this beautiful image but i couldn't concentrate on it or truly get it down. I shall get my pen out and try and salvage the image from this mess.
I have to agree with Jack, there are some gorgeous images here but togeather it all feels a bit forced. Sometimes having simple sentences placed next to more complex ones can transform a poem. Some nice ideas in this but I think it just needs going over and editing.
Overdone. You haven't picked any of your words carefully, just tried to choose the cleverest ones, and as such they all become redundant - most of the lines have no point. There's no structure. It looks like a hastily edited paragraph trying to be transferred into a poem.