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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 6

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

The Town Guard was being pushed back past the bell tower, and just half a dozen of the twenty original guards still stood. The Sadorians attacked with animal-like ferocity. There was something terrifying about the way they fought. No remorse, no care for self as they literally thrust themselves on top of the guards. 

How did they break through Hoden's Pass? 

 Carris took in a deep breath. She wasn't sure what to do. She had no idea where her mother was, and soon the guards would be dead and she would die next. The Sadorians would find her and hack her apart with those massive axes. Sweat rolled down her nose despite the cold, and she could feel the panic rising in her chest.

 Then he emerged from the shadows. The figure was tall. He was clad in black-as-night armor. The horns on his helmet wrapped viciously around, swirling back then spiraling forward, pointing ahead like a bull's horns. He dragged a heavy black sword that cut through the thick snow like a knife through butter. The faceguard of his helmet jutted out like a snout, and small puffs of his breath floated in the air like a raging animal. He approached the conflict in long strides, and yet looked as if he was in a no hurry. It was a confident walk. Like when a man is about to put down a dying animal lying on the ground. He stopped a dozen paces behind the wall of fighting and brought the sword up, clasping it with both hands. 

 "For Vera!" he bellowed, voice cutting through the din of battle with clarity and resonance that seemed to echo through the sky, like a thunderclap. 

 With a broad stroke, he lashed out with the sword in the direction of the Town Guards. A gust of wind literally propelled out of the blade of the sword, whipped past the Sadorians like a soft summer breeze, and then slammed into the Town Guard. The wind caught them up like a kite and sent them barreling backward in the air. They landed hard, skittering to a stop in the snow or ramming into the nearby buildings with a crash. 

 Carris stood to her feet, hand to her mouth. What. Th- 

 A hand landed on her shoulder. Carris turned instinctively, fist outstretched to strike her attacker with a scream. The soldier caught her fist and turned it aside with ease, putting a finger to his lips. Carris noted that Sandra was behind him, a blank expression on her face, mouth gaping. The soldier spoke. 

"We need to get out of here, right now. The Sadorians are about to smash through this town and then we'll all be dead. Is there somewhere we can hide? A cave, a thick forest, anything?" 

 Carris stared at him, mind numb. She stuttered, trying to speak, but she wasn't sure what was going on. What had she just seen? 

 The soldier put a hand on her shoulder, much softer this time. Like how Gwyn would do it when she was trying to comfort Carris after a bout with her mother. He spoke softly, but firm. "Look, I know what just happened is crazy. But I need you to focus." He cast a glance past Carris. "I just need you to focus on one thing. A place to hide. A cave maybe? Or a burrow?" 

 Carris didn't like his hand on her shoulder. She didn't like people touching her period. But it took her mind off what she had just witnessed for a moment, and she was able to find her voice.  

"There's a waterfall upstream. Beneath the falls there's a small cave. I don't know how many people will fit in it though."

 "That's our best bet. How do we get there?" 

 Carris pointed across the town center, voice shaking. "It's past the mill upstream. But we can't go through the middle of town." She tried to keep her voice calm as she spoke, but the clash of swords and axes grated on her nerves and she felt her heart beat faster and faster.

 "Alright then, we'll double back from where I came. The Sadorians will be focused on the town and shouldn't notice us."

 "And if they do?"

Devlin let out a wry, but grim grin. "Run."

 He gestured for her to take the lead. "The name is Devlin, by the way." "Carris," she offered, her voice more of an unwilling grunt than a warm greeting, brushing past him along the back of the blacksmith. "This way." 

They slipped around the blacksmith, snaking through the sparse trees on the edge of town, and the faint sound of gurgling water broke through the din of crashing glass and flames licking up into the night sky.

"What are they doing?" Carris growled.

"Torching the place. No survivors that way," Devlin guessed.

They avoided the flames as the inn was set ablaze and the flickering flames danced wildly in amidst the shadows of the other buildings and trees. The trio looped around, hugging trees and the sparse shrubbery for cover until they neared Carris's cabin. She hesitated for a moment, eyes flitting between the cabin and the soon-to-be inferno that was Potter's Creek.

They'll torch our cabin for sure.

Carris's mind went to the small jar of money underneath her bed, the savings of nearly a year of laundry service for the town. It would be consumed in the fire if she just left it. And if she escaped Potter's Creek with her life, and yet lost everything that she had worked for, then what good would it do? She would be a year later, and not a second closer to getting away from this awful place, her mother, the freezing winters on the lonely mountainside.

Malcolm as well, she scoffed.

She turned to Devlin. "I'll be back."

She made for the cabin, but Devlin caught her arm. "Wait!" He whispered, although there was a distinct bite to his voice. "Where are you going?"

"Cabin," she nodded towards the lone structure.

"No, no, no. There's no time!"

Carris wrenched her arm away. "Then leave." she shot back.

Carris slinked to the cabin, ignoring whatever angry remark Devlin growled at her. She entered the cabin -door already hanging on its hinges- and found the place in disarray. The clothesline had been cut down and the shirts and pants lay strewn on the floor. The bucket of water had been splashed aside.

Carris carefully hopped over the puddle and brushed aside the curtain that divided her alcove from the rest of the cabin. She dropped to her knees and felt around for the small clay jar underneath her quilt. The rough container scratched across the wooden floor as she rolled it her way and snatched it under her right arm as she re-entered the main room. And froze.

A Sadorian stood in the doorway, torch raised like he was about to set the whole cabin ablaze. He hesitated as she came rushing through the curtain. In the few seconds of startlement, Carris glanced over the barbarian, for the first time getting a good look without avoiding a massive ax, at what these Sadorian barbarians looked like.

He was young, maybe eighteen, so just older than Carris. His face was still smooth, and clean-shaven, unlike most Sadorians who sprouted monstrous beards. But it was his eyes, cold grey, and his hair, sandy blond, just as Carris's own features, that were the most interesting.

He's me.

And it was true. Though male, he was nearly identical in every physical attribute. He had the short, yet sturdy frame. He wasn't overly wide, and yet seemed to carry a weight to his presence, a fierceness. And those eyes. There was a look in them as he stared down Carris. Regret? No.

Pity. Like he's going to put down a lame horse.

And that was more unnerving than any war cry that the young barbarian could have mustered up. He tossed the torch aside and approached, drawing his sword as he strode toward her. Carris screamed at her feet to move, but they wouldn't. Her tongue caught in her throat, and she could feel cold drops of sweat roll down her back and temple.

Her eyes became transfixed on the blade as he brought it above his head, and Carris imagined it coming down, smashing through her shoulder into her chest. Falling to the floor in a hysterical, convulsing, pathetic heap. And yet still she could not budge. So many thoughts flashed through her head

This is all life had to offer? Is it such a bad thing for it all to end? What was my purpose anyway?

The thoughts came rapid-fire, and her brain felt like it was going to explode. Her heart may have stopped beating, and she felt the feeling going out of her fingers

Then the sword began to wobble, just inches above her head. It swayed back and forth, then clattered to the floor at her feet. Carris's eyes snapped off of the blade and flicked to the Sadorian. A line of blood trickled out of his mouth as his gaze trailed down to his stomach where several inches of a sword jutted out, dripping crimson.

There was a different look in his eyes. One of absolute bewilderment, and perhaps fear as they widened to the point that Carris thought they may burst. Then he collapsed in a heap at her feet. His face slammed into the ground, violently jerking at the impact which sent blood splattering onto Carris's pantlegs.

It was then that she found her voice, and her legs, and shrieked as she stumbled back. Her foot caught on an article of clothing and she toppled backward onto her haunches. Pain shot down her leg.

Not again, she grimaced.

Devlin was wiping his sword on the Sadorian's wool jacket, staining it with more blood. His eyes, however, were aimed at Carris, piercing, and she could see the veins bulging on his neck.

"Let's go," is all he said, not even offering a hand to Carris. He instead walked out.

Carris pushed herself to her feet with an "oof" and avoided the dead body and the pool of blood forming on the ground. The torch had also begun to catch the clothes on fire, and she skirted around the small flames, and although it signaled destruction, she couldn't help but enjoy the sensation of warmth.

She met Devlin outside, who had apparently waited for her. Sandra, however, was a few yards ahead, seemingly of more of a sound mind, although she carried a slight sway in her steps. Carris, shaking from the ordeal, nodded toward her.

"She's headed in the right direction."

There was a clank of metal, perhaps armor, and Devlin put a hand in the air. Carris stopped in her tracks. Out from the trees, apparently retracing his steps, came the black-clad knight. His sword dragging along the ground as it had before, the almost lazy, yet supremely confident stride ever-present. He was headed for Sandra, and Carris this time moved to act, the vision of the Town Guard soaring through the air fresh in her mind.

But it was too late. The knight drew back his sword as if he were about to cast it away, then brought it forward.

With the shout "For Vera!" a gust of wind shot through the air, invisible, yet evident by the tree branches that whipped against the natural breeze, and the snow that swirled from the ground. Sandra was knocked from her feet and sailed the dozen yards from her position into the creek with a shattering of ice. It all happened so fast that Carris never even moved.

She screamed. Or she would have, but Devlin's hand clamped over her mouth, and he grabbed her around both arms before she could rush the black knight, all sense leaving her mind. Tears sprang to her cheeks, and she grunted, but the muffled sound was too quiet for the knight to hear, and he strode back toward the town.

Devlin wrestled her to her knees despite her efforts.

I'm going to kill him!

Devlin was talking, although at first, all Carris heard was beating of her heart in her ears, blood rushing to her face flushing it with color. She tried to inhale as her chest heaved up and down, but the hand on her mouth prevented her from doing much of anything.

Devlin leaned close to Carris, and his low gravelly voice whispered into her ear. "I'll let you go, but you cannot, cannot, make a sound. Or you'll be the next human to fly."

Carris nodded vigorously, and as soon as he let go she took in a deep, cold, breathe, ignoring the pain in her chest that felt like white-hot needles poking every part of her lungs. She gritted her teeth, turning to him.

"If you ev-"

Devlin brought his hand forward. Carris went silent immediately, fearing that he might smother her voice with it. She huffed, but Devlin was talking again.

"I'm not going to save you again. So if you want to yell at me you go right ahead. But good luck surviving when the next Sadorian comes for you."

And with that, he was away, headed upstream in search of the waterfall cave entrance. Carris sat in the snow for a moment, head spinning. There was too much going on.

Slow it down. That wasn't working. Nothing was. Maybe she should let a Sadorian kill her The night would finally be over, the running and misery finished. But natural survival instincts kicked in.

She rushed over to Devlin, who was hunched, leap-frogging from tree to tree. She followed in suit, casting glancing towards the blazing inferno that was once Potter's Creek. Anger welled up her chest, and she rubbed away the tears on her cheeks with a growl. She wasn't even sure what the tears were for. She didn't care about the town. She barely cared about her mother. She hated this soldier who had led the Sadorians to her town. And so she wondered what the tears were for.

Maybe I wish I cared.

She clutched the jar to her bosom as they lost sight of the fire, although the light it emitted illuminated the spirals of smoke in the sky. If there was anything she cared about at the moment, besides getting in hiding, it was that jar. At least she could pay to get away from this place.

They came upon the waterfall. spiraled down from above, a good thirty feet in the air. Here and there, a small current dribbled over the ledge, but the majority of the waterfall had frozen up in a majestic tumbling sheet of ice. It was beautiful. There was no denying it. The way that the sun would glance off of it at noon would leave one breathless.

At the moment Carris was breathless as it was, trying to keep pace with Devlin. As they reached the frozen falls he let her go on ahead. Behind the falls there appeared to be nothing but a dark stone wall. But if you ventured into the shadows there was a small crack in the stone, wide enough for a man and a half. In the dark, with no torches, Carris felt along the frigid and rough wall unto her hand caught nothing but air.

"In here," she motioned with her hand.

Devlin peered into the dark hole. "Home sweet home."

Carris rolled her eyes. 


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Wed Oct 04, 2023 7:47 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Chapter six let's go!

The Town Guard was being pushed back past the bell tower, and just half a dozen of the twenty original guards still stood. The Sadorians attacked with animal-like ferocity. There was something terrifying about the way they fought. No remorse, no care for self as they literally thrust themselves on top of the guards.

This was a good way to portray the soldiers - a good way to have tension at the start of the chapter too!

The soldier put a hand on her shoulder, much softer this time. Like how Gwyn would do it when she was trying to comfort Carris after a bout with her mother. He spoke softly, but firm. "Look, I know what just happened is crazy. But I need you to focus." He cast a glance past Carris. "I just need you to focus on one thing. A place to hide. A cave maybe? Or a burrow?"

Aren't burrows quite small? How would they hide in one?

She didn't like people touching her period.

I think you might want some grammar in here xD

A gust of wind literally propelled out of the blade of the sword, whipped past the Sadorians like a soft summer breeze, and then slammed into the Town Guard.

The soft summer breeze part is very gentle imagery, and feels kind of out of place with the rest of the chapter. Maybe 'like a tornado' or something similarly evocative of violence?

Devlin let out a wry, but grim grin. "Run."

This feels very Doctor Who to me and I'm totally here for it.

And if she escaped Potter's Creek with her life, and yet lost everything that she had worked for, then what good would it do? She would be a year later, and not a second closer to getting away from this awful place, her mother, the freezing winters on the lonely mountainside.

I found Carris' thinking hard to follow here. How would she be no closer to getting away if she escapes?

I have mixed feelings about her mum, but honestly I'm not too surprised. It'll be interesting to see if/how that impacts her moving forward. She may say she doesn't care but she's definitely going to have some kind of feeling to process!

The end of the chapter was way more hopeful in contrast to the start. We've had a lot happen in a really short space of time, so now I hope we get a break in the action to get to know our characters a little better.

See you for chapter seven.

Icy




Messenger says...


Lol that period mistake is only outdone by 1 other thing I wrote a long time ago ahaha when the black knight uses the sword the idea is that the wind is controlled so it goes over his troops with a breeze but then hits the town guard like a ton of bricks. Maybe it's not clear enough though?



IcyFlame says...


oh ok that makes mores sense - I still think the 'summer' part could maybe come out as it evokes more gentleness than control



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Mon Sep 25, 2023 11:04 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salute Messenger!



Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

I love your start. I think the fact that you described Carris just watching Devlin in the middle of the fight as the world standing still is a good cliché in my list. I definitely ticked off a lot of my fine makings of a great film or series with Williwaw.

I guess it is that great, I like it. I'm just so sad that I didn't notice it earlier, otherwise I would have been at chapter 32 by now. But who cares, I catch up very quickly. Anyway, I think you have masterclass descriptions and dialogues that fit your characters very well, and it all points to another amazing chapter of Williwaw. You have a great way of telling a story.

You could work on:✒️

I like the little sneak peeks into Carris's thoughts and the variation between each character and the narrative voice. Good stuff. I would also like to see more of Devlin's head, but maybe I will just have to wait and see what happens in chapter 8.

By the way, if you haven't watched Ragnarok on Netflix yet, I highly recommend it. I have already finished the first season and will start the second over the holidays. I think you will like it, so I thought I would recommend it to you.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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Wed May 26, 2021 5:16 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Greeting you every time feels a bit silly, so henceforth I'm going to plunge directly into the review.

Okay, the first thought I had after reading this chapter is that the Sadorians have an indefinite number of soldiers with them. I assumed that it was a small warband, based on what I saw in the first chapter, but here they seem to have enough to attack the Town Guard, loot and burn homes, and kill townspeople all at once. Or maybe it wasn't all at once?
This isn't a major point of contention; I'm just saying I'd like a little more clarity to the situation. I didn't get the sense that Potter's Creek was severely outnumbered so much as poorly equipped to deal with the Sadorians. The town itself has a bunch of guards, but not a wall? And how big is, exactly? Shouldn't there be some kind of fortified central structure? not a castle or keep, just a palisade wall or something.

Then he emerged from the shadows. The figure was tall. He was clad in black-as-night armor. The horns on his helmet wrapped viciously around, swirling back then spiraling forward, pointing ahead like a bull's horns. He dragged a heavy black sword that cut through the thick snow like a knife through butter. The faceguard of his helmet jutted out like a snout, and small puffs of his breath floated in the air like a raging animal. He approached the conflict in long strides, and yet looked as if he was in a no hurry. It was a confident walk. Like when a man is about to put down a dying animal lying on the ground. He stopped a dozen paces behind the wall of fighting and brought the sword up, clasping it with both hands.

I feel like you could have done this a bit better; it feels too much like exposition from writer's perspective and not what Cariss the character sees. Besides, there are a couple of short sentences that can be merged together instead of left in fragments. I tried editing this passage a little:
"Then a tall figure emerged from the shadows, clad in armor black as night. The horns on his helm curved back then spiralled forwards like a bull's. He dragged a black sword (I didn't say heavy because for all she knows it may not have been) that cut through the snow. (The knife through butter simile felt rather out of place.) The faceguard of his helmet jutted out like a snout, and small puffs of his breath floated in the air. (I do't see how the puffs of air would be like raging animals.) He approached the conflict with long strides, and yet looked as if he was in a no hurry. It was a confident walk. Like when a man is about to put down a dying animal lying on the ground. (In retrospect, is that a confident walk though?) He stopped a dozen paces behind the know of struggling men and brought the sword up, clasping it with both hands.

But it was his eyes, cold grey, and his hair, sandy blond, just as Carris's own features, that were the most interesting.

Damn. She's Sadorian, isn't she? Guess I'll have to keep reading to find out...

Carris felt along the frigid and rough wall unto her hand caught nothing but air.

I think you mean until?

The rest of it was very well written! I was quite engaged by the action and the thrill throughout. Carris was being so irresponsible I wanted to smack her for a moment - why would she go back into the chaos, even if meant getting her money? There are things more important than that. Anyway, I'm going to see this through to the end now, I can promise you that. :) Congratulations, you've irreversibly hooked me.

~Lee




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 10:08 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Messenger!

I'm awake and back at the reviewing game! Excited to see where you're going to take this chapter and to see how all the tension plays out. Let's get started...

The Sadorians attacked with animal-like ferocity.


What kind of animal, though? Cause there's a significant difference between the ferocity of a lion and the ferocity of a kitten, you know? Like I know what you're going for but I'm always an advocate for stronger mental image whenever possible, and here's an easy way to make that happen.

A gust of wind literally propelled out of the blade of the sword, whipped past the Sadorians like a soft summer breeze, and then slammed into the Town Guard. The wind caught them up like a kite and sent them barreling backward in the air.


Two things. One, oh my gosh, now I understand how they got through the pass! I assumed they had a secret weapon of some sort, but it's really exciting to get to see it in action! That's super cool and I really like it even though that would be utterly terrifying.

Two, the word choices you have here I'm not sure go together well. "propelled", "whipped", "slammed", and "barreling" all have the feeling of really strong, violent wind. I'm imagining like hurricane level wind force going on here, making the wind itself a formidable weapon wielded by this character.

And then you throw in "soft summer breeze" which, for me anyway, carries the mental image of a gentle breeze that ruffles your hair at the most and is cool and refreshing and not in any way intimidating. I think you could maybe find a better way to describe it than a "soft summer breeze" if you were, in fact, going for a bit more of aggressive feel, as I think you probably were?

Carris stared at him, mind numb. She stuttered, trying to speak, but she wasn't sure what was going on. What had she just seen?


So, I like this. It works really well how you have it written. However, in the last? chapter I think you were asking for ideas on how to get Devlin's name in there so that she doesn't have to keep calling him 'the soldier' and I think somewhere in here would be a good place to sneak that in, if you wanted to.

Like, instead of her answering his question, being like "Who are you?!" instead. I think that would be a totally legitimate and believable outburst, seeing as she has no idea who this dude is and doesn't really have a reason to trust him, yet. And obviously it shouldn't go into deep introductions at this point, but you could always have him be like "Devlin. Now focus. Where is --" you know? Throw the name out gruffly, then get back to the problem at hand.

Devlin let out a wry, but grim grin. "Run."


Heheh.

He gestured for her to take the lead. "The name is Devlin, by the way."


Oh... okay, so you wiggled the name in there like two paragraphs later. Oops. Okay, this also totally works.

~ ~ ~

Oooh, another tense chapter! I'm loving it! It's sad that her mom died, but honestly, I wasn't super expecting much else. I mean drunks tend not to fare well in the midst of battle :P

One thing that I am wondering about/concerned about is, being dead of winter, bunch of snow, right? So aren't the soldiers going to be able to follow their footsteps right up the mountain and to their cave? Seems like they're backing themselves into a corner...

That's all I've got for this chapter, though! I'm off to the next!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:55 pm
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Clarity wrote a review...



Hey there, Mess. Long-time no speak – I see you’re still digging the same avi and it’s marvelouuuus.

Anyways – onto the task at hand! I’ve skimmed over the first five chapters so I had some sort of backstory to go on. So, I’ll give you a quick idea on what I thought leading up to this chapter, then we’ll get to my thoughts on your most recent writing endeavour.

I wish there’d been some sort of prologue because I felt like I’d been thrust into this action scene in chapter one without any idea who the characters were… but despite that it was a very good chapter and I did enjoy reading it. So much so that it turned from a skim into a full on investment. I got to chapter three and you lost me very briefly because it’s a completely set of new characters we hadn’t yet been introduced to. I think maybe having one of those little headlines at the top that announces a change of character might have been beneficial there, but not completely necessary. Like Devlin at the top of chapter one and Carris at the top of two and three… since they seem to be the main characters we’re following here. Chapters four and five I have nothing to really point out other than just needing a little more backstory to who the Sadorians are and why Hoden’s Pass is supposed to be impossible to get though.

Now though, let’s get to business!

The Sadorians attacked with animal-like ferocity.

Straight off the bat I liked this line because now you’ve started to give me a little more idea of what the Sadorians are like – clearly some very violent individuals. Only tip for this would be maybe to choose a particular animal to compare them to with their ferocity?

Side note – is it just your writing style with the indents at the start of every paragraph? I don’t think it’s necessary and I’m just imagining if it was printed in a book it might look a bit off (but we’ll save that kind of discussion for when you’re published ;) ).

The horns on his helmet wrapped viciously around, swirling back then spiraling forward, pointing ahead like a bull's horns. He dragged a heavy black sword that cut through the thick snow like a knife through butter. The faceguard of his helmet jutted out like a snout, and small puffs of his breath floated in the air like a raging animal.

I feel like the second ‘horns’ isn’t needed because we get the image already from you mentioning the horns on the helmet and comparing it to a bull. Again, maybe substituting ‘animal’ for one more specific would help the imagery… but then I suppose the whole of that sentence is in itself comparing this figure to a bull. So my suggestion would be a bit of rewording in your description here, I really like what you have used (in bold) but since we already see the bull comparison you could say something like “…floated in the air like he was setting mark and getting ready to charge”. :)

A gust of wind literally propelled out of the blade of the sword,

This just feels a little clunky to me. I don’t think you need the use of ‘literally’ and the second half may flow better as something along the lines of “propelled from the blade of the sword”.

So, from there I just got absorbed into the rest of the story. I really really enjoyed it! I love Carris, I think she’s wonderful and I like that you switched the traditional “girl sees boy, *fans at face*” and made it so Devlin was caught off guard by him thinking she’s “beautiful’. A little cliché BUT I love it regardless. A little romance never killed anyone, except maybe Romeo.

Could you tag me when you release the next chapter on your wall or something? Now I’ve caught up I’d really like to follow this to the end. I think it’s got some great potential and if you think my review has been helpful I’d be happy to adopt this novel and review each chapter going forward. :)

I look forward to reading more from you.

Happy writing,
~Clary




Messenger says...


Hey Clari, thanks for reviewing :)

Yep, never gonna change that avvie I thhink.

I've seriously been deliberating a prologue, even thought of doing it as a side project during the weeks to keep me writing. So, it's nice to see a few people okay the idea of a prologue for once xD

Ah yes, the indents, I do it for me, and for the reviewer. I've always found it easier to find mistakes, and to read/review when the words are a bit more seperated so you aren't just staring at massive blocks of words. And I've read a few books like it. You get used to it quickly :P

hahaha yaeeeeeah poor Romeo :/



Clarity says...


My pleasure! And I think a good prologue boosts a story so I'm definitely in support of one :)

Ahhhh I've never read any books like it but yep, I'm sure I'll get used to it following this one!



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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so the first thought I had on this chapter is that I feel like I need more actual context for why Hoder's Pass is so impregnable. Characters keep saying or thinking in a horrified way, "How did they break through?!" and I know I saw Hoder's Pass for a brief moment at the story's start, but I feel like my biggest reason for thinking it's impregnable is that all the characters feel that way. Like I don't know what about it made it so impregnable, or the history of no army ever getting through it, or whatever. I assume from the characters' reactions that it's likely some combination of its situation and its history, but I don't know. It's all guess-work.

Ah, finally we get back to the mysterious figure from way back in chapter one. And who or what is Vera? Intriguing. It sounds like a name, but at this point in the story I have a hard time believing it's a person - more likely a place or something. You have a good description of the figure's confidence.

That said - despite the figure and the Sadorians and the sword, I'm not getting a real sense of danger here. I think it's because you're just describing everything that's happening rather than focusing on Carris. What is she feeling, physically and emotionally? What details does she notice, as a villager watching her hometown come under attack rather than a soldier numbly going into a fight? It does get a little better once Devlin rejoins her and when she's alone in the cabin with the Sadorian.

On that note, I really like the fact that the first Sadorian we actually come face to face with is only 18 or 19 rather than being this savage, battle-hardened warrior. Like he's basically a kid. Which then also makes it much more chilling when he looks at Carris like she's a horse he's about to take out back and shoot. Carris's thoughts feel a little too put-together when he actually attacks, though.

Oh man, the money is actually upping the stakes really nicely right now, I'm far more invested when Carris thinks about the year's worth of wages she has hidden in the cabin that's about to be so much molten metal unless she saves it and it's her only chance out of this one-horse town. That's the first time I really felt the intensity in this scene, when it got personal rather than "and the guards are being tossed around and the town is being destroyed."

For a second I was concerned that the bit with Sandra was going to turn into "noooo! my mom may have been an abusive alcoholic, but I LOVED HER!" and I'm glad you didn't go that route. I put Carris's reactions down to shock, once we get to the point where she wonders why she's even crying because she doesn't care much for either her mom or the town.

I think more concern/terror for her friend and her friend's family would not be out of place here, however. The description of the waterfall's beauty, on the other hand, does feel incredibly out of place - especially since it's not a sunny noontime, so it's not like it's glittering in the sunlight right now for Carris to randomly, hysterically think of how beautiful it is and then wonder why the heck she's thinking that at a time like this.

I'm also not really sure about all Carris' "life is meaningless anyway," "would it really be so bad to die right now," "might as well let them kill me" thoughts throughout this chapter. It doesn't really gel with her character for me. Not that determined, fighter types can't have those thoughts, but they're so pervasive in this chapter and then they're always driven off by survival instincts rather than Carris' tough nature.

"I'm not going to save you again" lol yeah okay Devlin




Messenger says...


hey, bluuuue thanks for the review.

If you read my author's note last week I mentioned how I'm going to rewrite the beginning of the story. A lot more about Hoden's Pass is going to be explained to kind of set out the stakes more before we really get going, so I absolutely agree with your critiques there.

The bit about how everything slows down when she meets the Sadorian, how she just kind of freezes silently, I based off of how I reacted when I was in a car accident, where everything focuses and you're kind of like, well, I'm gonna be in a car accident, and you take in a lot of info almost in slow motion because it's so surreal. I also based it off of how my mom reacts to dramatic stuff (not being killed but like, a child falling down the stairs) and she talks how like she can see everything happening but just can't get her feet to move. That all being said I'll give it a re-look later.

I'm really glad the money jar didn't seem out of place since it had in no way been mentioned before. I thought it was an important and good way to show Carris's feelings about everything going down and what's really important. HOWEVER, like you said, I feel like I kind of left Gwyn out of the picture too much, so I'll work on that. I had already planned on having the two sit down and talk in the next chapter, so we'll see.

Glad her reaction seemed realistic. Honestly yeah, who wouldn't react when their mom, loved or otherwise, go flying through the air like a football xD I'm thinking that her coming to grips with how she feels about her mom, and getting to a place of forgiveness will be a big part of her character arc.

I'll take a look at the waterfall bit :P I just think frozen waterfalls are super cool lol

The "life is meaningful" is probably too far. I just had a vibe of despair I wanted to get across that like "I worked to get out of this miserable life, and yet I still failed :/" so we'll see what I can do there.

aaah Devlin. Can't wait to get in his head more xD you'll see him again a lot in the next chapter

Sorry if that's a super long reply xD I've been working on this chapter for like 48 hours straight



BluesClues says...


I think the money jar didn't seem out of place even though it hadn't been mentioned previously bc I knew she'd been working and that her mother tried to take what money she did have? so it just made sense to me that she'd have a hidden stash somewhere in the hopes of running away someday, although it would obviously be fine if it was mentioned earlier. But it made enough sense for her character that I was fine with it!




Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
— Carl Sandburg