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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 5

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

A/N: Let me know if this is too long, or the geography gets confusing? There is just a lot going on in this chapter, so I want to make sure it still all makes sense. Also, if you think of a way for me to get Devlin's name to Carris so he isn't just "soldier" let me know. Now, go rip 'er to shreds :D

Devlin held his arms out as he stumbled through the forest, tree branches and thorns snagging at his pants and slapping his bare hands. He grunted as a particularly large thorn sliced his knuckle. It was the first time in over twenty minutes that he actually felt the pain cut through the numbness that was beginning to turn his hands blue. His eyes flicked back and forth. The forest was so dark that he could scarcely see more than a few feet in front of him, and so he was forced to run in a hunched position, watching his footing. He hurtled a log and staggered to his knees as he slipped on a sheet of ice.

"Over there!" a shout went up from uncomfortably close behind Devlin.

He threw a glance back, attempting to spot the Sadorians that had been pursuing him for the last thirty minutes. That was a mistake. His foot caught nothing but air and before he could even let out a shout of surprise he was breaking through ice into frigid water. It hit him with the force of a hammer and he jolted his body in shock.

Come on, think!

Devlin reached out in the black water, finding the bottom of what must be a creek or river. He buried his hands as deep as he could in the frozen ground and pushed off with what strength he had left. His head broke the surface and he tried to inhale but coughed up water instead. He sloshed the fifteen feet to the opposite bank of the creek and hauled himself up, shaking uncontrollably.

Get to the village Devlin. Move!

Devlin shook his hair like a wet dog and steeled his jaw. He could see a few faint lights through a light grouping of trees ahead. He took a deep breath and took off, barely moving his feet at first until he worked up into a sprint, arms beating like a piston. He heard a shout,

"Look! A VIllager!"

Devlin ground to a halt, grabbing a small sapling to slow his momentum. A clump of snow plopped on his head, and he shook it off with annoyance, grimacing as he squinted, looking for the villager.

Someone screamed. A girl? Devlin shook his head. This wouldn't end well. He ran toward where the scream came from, somewhere to his right. He could see the torches of the Sadorians as they crossed the creek. There was a figure near the bank, a short girl holding a jar. Something thudded into a tree nearby. Devlin could see the shaft of the arrow sticking out a good two feet. He was to the girl now with the Sadorians just a dozen feet away in the middle of the creek, struggling to make progress as the ice began to crumble beneath their weight.

Devlin grabbed the girl's hand. She jerked back, flinging the jar at Devlin. It caught him on the elbow as he held his hand up to deflect the projectile. It sliced through his jacket, but he couldn't be sure if it cut him or not. He would have to wait for his arms to regain feeling. If he survived that long.

"Hey, listen, I'm not with them!" he shouted.

The girl looked at him, eyes of stone grey opened wide, dancing in the candlelight. Devlin froze for a second.

Gorgeous. He shook his head. Focus Devlin!

A growl from his left caused Devlin to spin, fists up in a defensive position. A Sadorian was mounting the bank, hauling himself up with his sword buried in the ground to use as a handle. Devlin lashed out with his boot which caught the Sadorian's jaw and caused him to stumbled back into the creek, knocking down two of his companions and shattering the ice around with a cracking sound.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The man had said something, Carris wasn't quite sure what. He wasn't with them? Everything was moving too fast. Armed men climbing the banks of Potter's Creek in the middle of the night? What was going on? A hand grabbing her right arm jolted Carris from her state of shock and she turned to face her assailant. He was huge and his raised double-edged ax was equally large. Carris screamed. The ax came down.

And stopped two inches from Carris's face. She went silent, eyes transfixed on the curved blade. Then she noticed the pair of hands gripping the ax just above the blade. The stranger? Didn't matter. Carris growled. She'd had enough angry people attacking her for one night. She ducked under the blade and screamed, swinging her fist at the Sadorian He looked down at her and laughed, slowing turning the blade towards her savior.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Devlin grunted as the Sadorian slowly twisted the blade toward his face. His knees buckled and he collapsed to his knees, sweat dripping down his nose. It can't end like this.

The blade cut through his jacket, then shirt, and he was sure would cut through his chest just as easily in a matter of seconds. Devlin looked at the Sadorian. There was a fire in his eyes. A burning rage. He could see the blood vessels about to burst in the Sadorian's temple. He was putting everything into this. That's it!

Devlin inhaled, then shoved the ax to the side with all his might, then rolled to the other, as he released the handle. The Sadorian let out a startled grunt as he suddenly was putting all his force into nothing but air. The one blade rammed into the ground and the Sadorian rammed into the other. His eyes went wide and a whimper escaped his lips as the blade severed his chest in half.

Devlin pushed himself to his feet as the other dozen Sadorians now mounted the creek bank. He realized that the girl was still standing there, one hand pointing at the Sadorians, with a jagged shard of the broken jar in the other hand. Devlin nodded vigorously as he grabbed her arm.

"We have to get out of here! Warn the village!"

The girl flashed a glance back at the village and nodded, then looked and Devlin's hand on her arm and shoved it off.

Touchy.

"Do you have an alarm bell or some sort of siren?" Devlin asked, following Carris at a sprint towards the nearest building, a small cabin.

"There's a bell tower in the center of town," Carris said, pointing in the general direction of the town.

"And any weapons or soldiers?" Devlin said, dodging a low-hanging branch.

"Just a platoon."

"We need to alert them of the Sadorians!"

"Sadorians?" Carris turned to Devlin, as a fresh feeling of fear drizzled down her spine.

"Yes. They breached Hoder's Pass this morning."

That can't be right. "I thought Hoder's Pass was impregnable during the winter?"

"So did I."

Carris took a quick glance at the soldier. Young. Probably never fought a day in his life until today. Hoder's Pass can't be breached. Something wasn't adding up. Carris was about to ask how it had happened, but they reached the cabin first with Devlin taking the lead. He swung the door open wide.

"Anybody here?" he yelled.

Carris brushed passed him. "Mother! Mother, wake up!" she screamed.

Sandra, passed out in the kitchen chair, made no indication of waking up.

"We don't have much time. Get the bell, I'll get your mother." Devlin motioned to Carris.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carris glanced back at the cabin as she headed for the center of town. She's not worth it. A twinge of guilt ran down Carris. Sandra was still her mother. She should have some sort of loyalty to her, shouldn't she? She shrugged it off. That wasn't important right now. Ringing the bell was.

Carris covered the ground between the cabin and the town within a minute, mind running as fast as her legs were. This is crazy. After all, why would Sadorians come to Potter's Creek? It was in no way strategic or useful in an assault on Astoria.

"Figure it out later," Carris muttered to herself. Whoever was attacking was bad. That was enough for now.

Porgie's Pub and Inn rose two-stories high to her left, filled with warm yellow light and the subtle sounds of laughter and chatter, while the blacksmith hunkered down on the right side of the road, dormant for the night. Carris mounted the three steps to the inn's door and thrust it open.

The inn had a simple layout. The front door led into a wide common room littered with table for eating and drinking, while a bar lined the back wall. Through a door on the right, the staircase led up to the rooms on the second floor for weary and wanton travelers. In the dead of winter, these rooms were occupied for months at a time while the weather made traveling a nightmare in the best of circumstances.

This meant that while very few residents of Potter's Creek were enjoying the perks of Porgie's at this time of night, there were still a dozen or so visitors seated at the bar or tables when Carris burst in. Her entrance, followed by a heavy, cold gust of wind that howled through the doorway, caused all inside to stop mid-sentence or mid-drink, whatever the case may be, and stare at her with confusion.

Porgie himself, the owner of this despicable place where Sandra made and lost more money with men than with her actual job as a waitress, was wiping down a table near the bar. Carris pointed at him.

"You need to get everyone out of here! Sadorians are attacking!"

Nobody moved. A chuckle came from somewhere near the bar.

Porgie stood up straight, belly hanging out under a shirt that was a tad too short, and tossed the wiping rag over his shoulder. He cocked his head to one side.

"Carris, what are you doing here? And what is this ridiculous story?" He let out a slight laugh.

Carris growled. "I don't have time to explain but you need to leave!"

She turned her back as Porgie stood there, still unsure of the news he was receiving. I warned them. Their fault if they don't listen.

Carris left the inn, jumping the steps. The bell tower lay directly ahead of her, a structure of about thirty feet, made with the reddish-brown clay that Potter's Creek was known for. She slipped through the open entrance beneath the tower where the thick, worn rope swung violently in the breeze. She grasped the corse rope with both hands and yanked down with all her might.

The bell let out a deafening BONG! There were a few seconds of silence before Carris could hear the town start to wake. There was the slamming of doors as people exited their homes to see what the noise was about. Carris rang it once more, then released the rope which was caught up in the wind within seconds, flailing about like a reed.

I need to get Gwyn. She exited the tower and glanced back toward the path that led to her cabin, She could see her mother now, stumbling alongside the soldier, and in the back, the bright light of torches lit up the white snow.

Carris sprinted passed the blacksmith, feet slipping and sliding in the thin layer of fresh snow that mounted the already snowy landscape. She hooked a right, headed into the main living quarters of the town, several cabins rowed on both sides of the street. Carris headed for the center one on the right, where a dim light flickered in the veiled window.

Carris pounded on the door. She could hear the shuffling of feet inside, and the cry of a baby. A disheveled Gwyn answered the door. Her hair spiraled out of control and her eyes looked blurry and unfocused. They also widened when she saw Carris.

"Carris? What's going on?" she slurred, rubbing her eyes with balled fists.

Carris grabbed her wrist. "No time to explain. Your family needs to get out of here, now!"

Gwyn took a step back. She stumbled over her words. "What do you mean? Carris, what's wrong?"

"We're under attack."

"From who?" Gwyn asked slowly, almost absent-minded. Carris could see the fear taking over her body. She was beginning to shake, and her eyes flickered back and forth.

Carris ignored her and pushed herself passed, entering the cabin. Gwyn's mother stood at the entrance of the hallway leading to two large bedrooms. In her arms, she held the newest addition of the family, seven-month-old Corbin. She looked exhausted. Heavy wrinkles lined her forehead, her eyes were blood-shot, and she looked even paler than usual.

A cough wracked her frame underneath a poor excuse of a nightgown, one that was not nearly thick enough for winter.

Carris held out her hands, palms open.

"Mrs. Hevel, I need you to get your children and come with me." Where do we go?

Mrs/ Hevel was equally as frozen as Gwyn. Carris sighed. There wasn't time for this. She snatched Corbin from his mother's arms and walked passed Gwyn who was just standing there, wringing her hands.

That should get them moving.

Carris left the cabin, baby, in arms. The other villagers were now stirring, torches were being lit everywhere, and one of the guards of the village was rushing down the street, armor clanking as he strapped on a helmet while calling the villagers to action. A hand gripped Carris's shoulder and she spun in defense, realizing as she did so that she had a baby in her arms, and there was nothing she could do against an attacker But it was only Gwyn

"Gwyn! Come on. I need you with me. We've got to get your family out of here."

Gwyn nodded, pulling on her heavy coat. Her family was scrambling out of the cabin now, a small army of seven children, including Corbin, with Mrs. Hevel leading the way.

"Where do we go, Carris?"

"The waterfall. You know the secret cavern we found underneath it? Take them there."

Carris offered Corbin into Gwyn's oustretched arms, then turned back towards the center of town.

"Carris, what are you doing?" Gwyn screeched. "The waterfall's this way," She said, nodding away from the town.

"My mother is back there." Carris sighed. "I should help her, right?"

She didn't wait for Gwyn's reply, but fought through the flow of traffic now bustling down the street, filled with half-dressed villagers and crying children. Up ahead Carris could hear the clang of steel on steel. The Sadorians had met the guards.

Carris reached the blacksmith and surveyed the scene. The guards had formed a wall just a few feet in front of Carris, and the Sadorians were uprn then, axes and swords flailing. The inn was up in flames, casting wild shadows over the entire scene, and the night air rang out with shouts and crashing of metal. But the soldier and Sandra were nowhere to be seen. 


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Tue Oct 03, 2023 8:15 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



It's been a couple of days, but I'm back for chapter five!

I didn't expect the worlds of Carris and Devlin to collide so soon. I'm used to reading novels where the characters either know each other at the start, or meet much later once we've kinda established them as their own people. I have no real opinion yet on whether I think them coming together here was negative or positive, but I'm interested to see how you continue to build them up as individuals now we have them together in the same scenes.

The tension was built well, and the pace was fast which really works in your favour for this chapter. I know you know the pov switches haven't worked, so I won't go on about them too much xD
I think they can work, but I'm not sure that you want/need them to here. I'd be quite content to read about Carris' exploits from Devlin's viewpoint here and be forced to wait a couple of chapters to see what she really thinks of him. Bonus points if what she thinks of him is completely different to what he thinks of her/what he thinks she thinks of him!

So a mixed review. The story progression made sense and the pace was good - the pov switching was confusing, and I'll hold judgement on the meeting of our two characters until I'm further in the plot!

Until next time!

Icy




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Sun Sep 24, 2023 10:08 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Heya Messenger!



Rinisha is back here for the one and only Williwaw 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

To be honest with you, I cannot begin to tell you how glad I am to have Devlin back in the picture. I love the switch between the two perspectives of Devlin and Carris. And do I smell some mysterious amortentia brewing between them over there?

I love that you made the villagers think she was joking, because it adds a more complicated layer to the story. Like will they be slaughtered or not. Or will they be able to leave in time?

Once again, good work on your descriptions. Not to mention your great dialogue and the action in your story. My adrenaline was definitely pumping.

You could work on:✒️

I can't really see why the Villagers would think she was joking, was it something to do with her mother's reputation in the town? Maybe we can get some clarity here.

"You need to get everyone out of here! Sadorians are attacking!"

Nobody moved. A chuckle came from somewhere near the bar.

Porgie stood up straight, belly hanging out under a shirt that was a tad too short, and tossed the wiping rag over his shoulder. He cocked his head to one side.

"Carris, what are you doing here? And what is this ridiculous story?" He let out a slight laugh.

~~~
Maybe you can put something like Devlin's point of view over here.

For example
Before
Devlin held his arms out as he stumbled through the forest, tree branches and thorns snagging at his pants and slapping his bare hands. He grunted as a particularly large thorn sliced his knuckle….


After
Devlin
Devlin held his arms out as he stumbled through the forest, tree branches and thorns snagging at his pants and slapping his bare hands. He grunted as a particularly large thorn sliced his knuckle….

~~~

And here, Carris her point of view
A growl from his left caused Devlin to spin, fists up in a defensive position. A Sadorian was mounting the bank, hauling himself up with his sword buried in the ground to use as a handle. Devlin lashed out with his boot which caught the Sadorian's jaw and caused him to stumbled back into the creek, knocking down two of his companions and shattering the ice around with a cracking sound.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carris
The man had said something, Carris wasn't quite sure what. He wasn't with them? Everything was moving too fast. Armed men climbing the banks of Potter's Creek in the middle of the night? What was going on? A hand grabbing her right arm jolted Carris from her state of shock and she turned to face her assailant. He was huge and his raised double-edged ax was equally large. Carris screamed. The ax came down.


Overall, I don't have any more critique, I'm just anxious and I really want to know what'll happen next. I'll definitely be back for chapter six. I think it is quite humorous how, in that whole intense scene where Devlin almost dies, you put in a little moment where they are definitely checking each other out. It makes your story even more movie-like and I'm a movie fan, so this was a cool chapter.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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Wed May 26, 2021 11:27 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hello again, Messenger! This one will be a pretty quick review.

To begin with, I take back what I said in the last review; I pointed out that the Sadorians wouldn't have made any noise coming to the town. However, in the last chapter you mentioned a screech. I distinctly remember that. And yet, Devlin doesn't actually shout or do anything like that until after he's crossed the bank.

However, I do think you made a very good transition from Carris' point of view to Devlin's, and tied up their narratives together in this chapter.

I don't have specific passages to provide feedback on this time, but my overall review is as such:

While the merging of the two narratives' plot lines was well executed, the POV shifts were clunky at best. You changed between paragraphs, and at one point seemed to shift to an omniscient narrator. I highly suggest that you firmly stick with one style of narrating per chapter, and only one POV character. Shifting in between can be done, and yet it doesn't feel suitable. I would have preferred to read this purely from Devlin's POV or Carris'.
Oh, and the part where he freezes to look into her eyes? Romantic, but unrealistic. They're in threat of their lives. He can still notice that she's beautiful, but he shouldn't be freezing up.

The ending was very action packed and exciting. The pacing was almost perfect, making the whole read quite engaging. I liked the character development present in the chapter and can't wait to see where this is going.
Perhaps you could add a little more to the tension and chaos? More buildings burning, dead bodies, etc.

Anyway, your story is rapidly improving. There are fewer mistakes, smoother storytelling, and a confident style of writing that I like.
Good work! I'm going to read the next chapter now. :)

~ Lee




Messenger says...


i never wanna talk about the POV problems in this chapter again xD it was so bad.



LittleLee says...


Well, it wasn't as bad as you think. Like I said, it can still be pulled off. But maybe you could split it into two chapters or write this entirely from one of their POV.



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Sun Feb 16, 2020 4:25 pm
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Lib wrote a review...



Hey, Messy!

I decided I'd drop off a review for you. =)

Alright, so I started getting the feel of what all the characters are like in the last chapter, which is probably as early as you could have done it. Bravo! :)

And all those ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ are sort of like POV changes. I got that in this chapter. In the first chapter, I think they were used for time breaks or scene changes more than they were used for POV changes, but I mean, you coulda been using it for a buncha other reasons all at once... which I would not suggest, honestly. :P It just makes things complicated.

But honestly, there is a lot of POV switching here.

She jerked back, flinging the jar at Devlin. It caught him on the elbow as he held his hand up to deflect the projectile. It sliced through his jacket, but he couldn't be sure if it cut him or not.

...This bit sort of caught me off guard. I get that Carris panicked and threw the solid jar at Devlin, but, uhh, did the jar break in midair or something that it would slice his jacket and/or cut his skin...?

I like that Carris is going back to her mother even though she was very horrible to her - she is her mother, after all. This shows that Carris has compassion and she's absolutely sweet. :)

And Devlin is a very interesting person too so far. He's got some funny scenes like in the beginning where the clump of snow falls on him. Gives everything a realistic feel and also reminds me that it's winter. I usually forget things like that, even though there's hints here and there. xD

Anyway, this looks great so far! I'm intrigued to see what's gunna happen next especially with the sentence you've left me with. Hope this review helped, and of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever. ^-^

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 8:36 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Heyo Messenger,

Shady back again, as I said I'd be! I'm excited to see what happens in this chapter. Is Devlin going to get there in time? Is Carris going to run, or go back to try to save her mom and Gwyn? I have no idea, but I'm dying to find out! So let's get started...

That was a mistake. His foot caught nothing but air and before he could even let out a shout of surprise he was breaking through ice into frigid water. It hit him with the force of a hammer and he jolted his body in shock.


Ohh! The crash was Devlin! Okay, totally not what I thought from the last chapter, but that totally works... also, poor guy lol.

A clump of snow plopped on his head, and he shook it off with annoyance, grimacing as he squinted, looking for the villager.


See, this is exactly the sort of thing I've been talking about, with how good you are at keeping us grounded firmly in your world. This is such a comical yet super relatable and easily imagined scene to keep up firmly secured in your world. It's truly beautiful.

It sliced through his jacket, but he couldn't be sure if it cut him or not.


Not 100% sure if I buy this or not. I mean, sure, a clay pot COULD cut you -- but wouldn't it be more likely to break as it's hitting him, and then fall to the ground? It's not like she threw already broken shards at him. Hmm...

The girl looked at him, eyes of stone grey opened wide, dancing in the candlelight. Devlin froze for a second.

Gorgeous. He shook his head. Focus Devlin!


Aww, this is really adorable, especially since she was just contrasting her own eyes against Gwyn's and calling her own basically ugly. I like that he's appreciating them. And (hopefully) he's not going to turn into a pig about it. We'll see ;)

Carris growled. She'd had enough angry people attacking her for one night. She ducked under the blade and screamed, swinging her fist at the Sadorian He looked down at her and laughed, slowing turning the blade towards her savior.


Haha, I like Carris so much. She's definitely got spirit, you gotta give her that! I think you've got a bit of a typo here, though. I think you probably mean "slowly turning the blade" rather than "slowing turning the blade" like you have now! :)

"Carris, what are you doing here? And what is this ridiculous story?" He let out a slight laugh.

Carris growled. "I don't have time to explain but you need to leave!"


Arrghh, men.

Her hair spiraled out of control and her eyes looked blurry and unfocused. They also widened when she saw Carris.


So... I'm now not entirely sure how much time passed? Cause honestly it didn't seem like THAT much time had passed with her outside. I'd say my brain was estimating like MAYBE half an hour. Plenty of time for a drunk to pass out in the kitchen -- but it seems really odd to me that Gwyn was able to get home, help her mom with the baby, AND pass out so swiftly? If it's a longer time, maybe try to make that a tad clearer?

with Mrs. Hevel leading the way.


Where are all the fathers? I mean I was wondering that with Carris, and now it appears that Gwyn's father isn't in the picture either. Seems a bit strange to have so many single moms in the village...

~ ~ ~

Oh no! Sandra. :3 She's such a jerk of a mother, but she IS Carris's mother, and boy would that taint her and Devlin's relationship, if he let her mom get killed after he promised to protect here. :P That's such an excellent cliffhanger, though!

I am dying to read on, to see what happens with the fight and if Sandra's mom makes it out alive! It's like 3:30 in the morning where I am, though, so this is going to be my last review for the night. But I will definitely try to get to the rest of these chapters tomorrow, if my reviewing kick lasts that long!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:34 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Back again!

So first of all, there's some confusion about viewpoints. Not through the whole thing, but in the second Carris you sort of slipped in and out of Devlin's perspective. In part this is because of what you mentioned in your author's note - the use of Devlin's name when Carris doesn't know it yet - but also we get some things actually happening in his perspective in that scene, like this.

Devlin grunted as the Sadorian slowly twisted the blade toward his face. His knees buckled and he collapsed to his knees, sweat dripping down his nose. It can't end like this.


Or possibly this scene was supposed to be from Devlin's perspective but slips into Carris' perspective later on.

Carris took a quick glance at the soldier. Young. Probably never fought a day in his life until today. Hoder's Pass can't be breached. Something wasn't adding up. Carris was about to ask how it had happened, but they reached the cabin first with Devlin taking the lead.


You could always try out an omniscient perspective in later drafts, but so far in this draft we've been firmly in one character's perspective at a time, so the shifting perspective in this scene really stood out to me.

I'm still not feeling the threat from the Sadorians, even though they're a literal physical threat here, because I don't know what their deal is or why these villagers were so afraid of them before they actually showed up. I assume there's some sort of history between the nations, but I have no clue what it is and it really hasn't even been mentioned yet. It's just an assumption I'm making based on the presence of soldiers holding a pass from another group of soldiers.

But then there was that helmeted figure way back in chapter one, so I'm not sure what to make of that.

NOT INTENDING TO BE A TOTAL DOWN HERE, so I'll mention that I like Devlin telling Carris he'll go grab her mom. It's just a nice bit of characterization because it's a nice thing to do for someone he literally just met. Like as a soldier you'd sort of expect him to prioritize something more, I don't know, strategic - evacuating, or preparing to hold the fort, or, well something - so it was a little surprising in a nice way that he prioritized someone important to Carris.

AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BEING A DOWNER.

Some of the description bogged things down and slowed the pace, because it interrupted the immediate danger. I'm thinking specifically the pub, where Carris desperately runs in to warn everyone about the Sadorians but stops as soon as she gets in to notice the layout of the room.

Additionally, I'm not sure about people not listening to Carris when she's in obvious distress. Is she known about town for being hysterical or sounding the alarm when there is none? Is she typically a boy who cries wolf? I'm just not sure why these people who know her wouldn't listen to her, when based on what we've seen so far she seems reliable and responsible.

I mean, I guess everyone thought Hoder's Pass was impregnable, but, like, a) the Sadorians, based on Carris' reaction to the news, seem like a constant threat that the villagers wouldn't take lightly and b) is there literally no other way for the Sadorians to have gotten here than Hoder's Pass?

I'd want to see "but Hoder's Pass is impregnable!" mentioned by someone in the bar when Carris comes to them with this story - although even then, wouldn't she mention that a soldier from Hoder's Pass told her the Sadorians broke through? Which might not actually convince them, but anyway, a mention of Hoder's Pass being impregnable would make the villagers' disbelief and laughing at her feel more believable than it is right now.




Messenger says...


Thanks Blue. I agree with most of what you're saying. The POV switch is just me struggling to figure out how to balance how this bit is viewed. I want you to see it through Carris who is kind of taken off guard and see how she responds, but also show Devlin off some. I'll probably end up with it being all Carris's though in the end last week I just had to get words down ya know?

I think the problem with the Sadorians is that I have all the history of what's going on (a 7 years war) but I never actually really mentioned that did I? One thing that's going on with this novel so far is that as I'm writing it and shaping the story I'm kind of tweaking what i had planned on writing, and so even though in my mind stuff if happening for a reason, I haven't actually showed that lol So thanks for trudging through it xD



BluesClues says...


I mean, if you decide you want to be able to show how both characters (and even other characters) are experiencing the same scene at once, you can go for an omniscient viewpoint in future drafts! It's just a really tricky viewpoint to get right, is the only thing I say, planning to use it myself oh no

And I FEEL about that last point bc oh God the number of things people ask about my story where I'm like "uhhh yes I have an answer to that but somehow this thing I know or planned never made it into the story oops sorry."



Messenger says...


haha I guess it's just the price to pay for actually planning and worldbuilding beforehand instead of doing it on the go and learning it as the audience does



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Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:03 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, just to be clear, this is your entries for both weeks 5 and 6, right?

Nit-picks:

finding the bottom of what must have been a creek or river


Gorgeous. He shook his head. Focus Devlin!

*glares at Devlin* >.> Well, at least he corrected himself.

The girl flashed a glance back at the village and nodded, then looked andat Devlin's hand on her arm and shoved it off.

Touchy.

Orrrr used to men attacking her. I hope this is going to be a character development thing for Devlin because I'm not super into his attitude towards Carris.

Carris brushed passed him. "Mother! Mother, wake up!" she screamed.

Sandra, passed out in the kitchen chair, made no indication of waking up.

"We don't have much time. Get the bell, I'll get your mother." Devlin motioned to Carris.

That seems maybe better the other way around... well, assuming Carris could easily tell Devlin where the bell was. I mean, Carris probably doesn't want to interact with her mum but I doubt Devlin would know this when he makes his suggestion.

Porgie himself, the owner of this despicable place where Sandra made and lost more money with men than with her actual job as a waitress, was wiping down a table near the bar. Carris pointed at him.

I'm not sure if I like quite how often Carris is judgemental. It just makes it a bit harder to sympathise with her. Although to be fair Porgie does seem horrid.

Carris offered Corbin into Gwyn's oustretched arms, then turned back towards the center of town.

I'm not she should have taken him in the first place. Or at least, that should have been a bigger deal. That was probably overstepping a line.

Overall:

I like the conflict Carris feels towards her mum. No matter how much you and I may differ on the honour of what she does for a living, she is a very abusive parent, and Carris would probably be legitimate in not caring about her. But Carris can feel that duty, or that feeling that she should feel duty, and I really admire that about her.

There wasn't a great deal of Devlin characterisation, and honestly I think maybe this whole thing could have been from Carris's POV. We'd know as soon as he warned her that the soldiers were close, and there would be more suspense about Carris seeing a stranger. We'd also get to see a more detailed picture of Devlin from Carris's end, then we could have the whole next chapter as Devlin, who had had time to reflect on what he thought of Carris. Admittedly neither have much to go on so far but the splitting up of the POVs made it difficult to get really invested in either one.

Until nearer the end, of course, when the Carris scenes ramped up the already high tension and drama, really well, I should add. I'm not entirely sure she needed to go into the inn though. Wouldn't they have also come outside when the bell rang. I could understand her running to Gwyn before she goes to the bell, but not to a place she hates.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Messenger says...


Hey, thanks for being so fast! Yes this is for 5 and 6. I didn't want to waste points splitting up the chapter since it all goes together.

The bit about Devlin not ringing was -in my mind- that Carris wouldn't be able to drag her mom out since she wasn't really conscious.

As far as her grabbing the baby, it was just to shake up Gwyn and her mom who weren't moving like ...at all. She had to jolt them into action.

I'll keep the POV comments in mind. I was tossing the idea around of keeping it all Carris, and maybe in the future cutting the first two chapters and so Devlin would just come across as a complete stranger in this chapter. I guess we shall see.

I'm not sure how i feel about the inn bit. I wanted to give some physicality to the place/people Carris doesn't like. And in my mind the inn is before the bell tower.



ExOmelas says...


Ah okay that makes sense. Devlin just being physically stronger. I could maybe have caught that if I was more awake. I'd wait til your next review to see whether or not to take my reaction into account on that one xD

The baby grabbing makes sense to accomplish her aim but it just seems... too far. Like, that just seems like a thing you do not do.



Messenger says...


Haha the baby thing isn't anything to die over so xD




Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief