Young Writers Society

Okay, first of all, I want to say that I am SO sorry that this took me so obscenely long. I've honestly got no excuse, aside from having no capacity to focus on reviewing whatsoever. If it's any consolation, I also haven't reviewed anything else since you asked, so it's not personal lol Anyhow, jumping into the review~

Your opening paragraph is really strong! This tends to be one of my biggest critiques, as first paragraphs can really make you or break you in terms of whether people keep reading or not. And you did a really nice job of setting up the scene and getting started with sparking interest in who Maury is and what she's doing hiding behind a tree. Well done!

~

Okay, as it turns out, I don't have anything specific to comment on -- which I think is testament to this being a solid chapter part! There was nothing glaring that stuck out to me. So I guess my two overarching critiques:

1) I would like to know the age of Maury, because honestly, I don't have a clue how old she is. I don't know why, but when the scene opened I was imagining 15/16. As I realized she was playing hide and seek with a 10-year-old I scaled down my assumption a bit, but I was still getting big sister vibes from her. But then you say Mikael looked down at her, which means either he's tall for his age, or she's short for hers, or he's older than her. Or perhaps all three. But I honestly have no idea which it is. Her narration makes her feel at least like 13/14 so maybe scale down her thoughts/descriptions if she's tiny? idk.

2) I'd like more physical descriptions! I know it's hard to do that in first-person POV, but honestly, I don't have any idea what Maury looks like. I am envisioning a girl with sandy-brown skin, but I honestly have 0 idea why. Maybe because I associate sand with the Middle East? I don't know. But I'd like more descriptions about what each of them looks like to help with my mental image.

Otherwise -- a great start! I'm definitely interested in seeing where you take this, and will hopefully get to another review or two tonight. Sorry again for the delay!

Keep writing!

~Shady

Hey, Messenger. I'm here at last.

To be honest, I was bracing myself to get introduced to magic world with talking dragons and flying humans. But I was surprised, as Plume mentioned in their review, how this part was just you establishing/introducing the relationship between Mikael and Maury. I like that you didn't go into much detail about their world or their intentions or even their relationship for that matter. It was a nice introductory part. I would say it works well as chapter one, there's no need for any major changes except for the ones that the previous reviewers have mentioned.

I'm interested to see where this goes. I'm going to mark this as a comment, because, well, it is just a comment. I want this to be in the green room so you can get more reviews and different perspective could help your process. In my opinion, I like it as it is.

Cheers!
Keep writing!

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I enjoyed this story!! Since it's a part one, I'm curious to see where you're going to take it from here. I loved the simple but super effective way you told the story; there was a complete arc just in this first part of it, and I think that bodes really well for the rest of your story!

One thing I really enjoyed was how you isolated this moment to really illustrate what the relationship between these two characters is like. At first, my interpretation of them was that they were perhaps siblings, but at the end, they're going their separate ways, so it seems more like they're friends with a bit of a rivalry. You did a great job of showing us that through their interactions. I also think your setting was really well established for such a short piece; it was amazing how you set up both of those things (setting and character) throughout. You planted them in the mind of the reader subconsciously. It was really lovely to read!

Specifics

To her left and right rolled a smattering of trees and desert bushes over sand dunes, to her back to the Divergent Sea crashed into the rocky coastline, and straight ahead lay the Fields of Arthuroan, glowing golden in the twilight.

A screamed caused her to leap and screech. She tumbled to the ground as a figure leapt from her left, arms out to snatch her.

“Then prove it!” Maury growled. She stopped and turned. “Where was I hiding.”

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a fun little start here. I was expecting a bit more mysterious and supernatural elements especially with that title, but I was pleasantly surprised with a fun little scene between two characters with a couple of fake bits of tension.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Maury crouched behind the large oak tree, peering with one eye around the left side. To her left and right rolled a smattering of trees and desert bushes over sand dunes, to her back to the Divergent Sea crashed into the rocky coastline, and straight ahead lay the Fields of Arthuroan, glowing golden in the twilight. The sun was dipping and would be gone in the hour, but for now it spread its last rays across the sky in a splash of auburn and rose-pink.

The oak marked the border of the wheatfield, and somewhere between it and that sunset was a ten-year old Mikael.

Maury pursed her lips and hopped on her toes. Usually, he was faster about finding her. She shuffled her bare feet in the sand and scanned the length of the field. Nothing. No mess of black hair, no determined ruddy face peeking through, no exclamations of “I’m gonna find you Maury! You can’t hide forever!”

Maury looked to the sky. It was already turning mauve. Mamay would be beginning to wonder why she was not home to help set the dinner table and light the evening lanterns. There could not be much more time until the horn went off and he lost. For the first time. She peeked the other side of the thick tree, kneeling on one knee.

“Maybe I tricked him.”

She wiped her brow. There was a snap and she bolted to an upright position. It had come from the left. She could feel her heart start to beat faster. She strained her eyes in the waning light to see if Mikael was hiding just inside the wheatfield, but she saw nothing. Maybe it was just an animal.

A blast from the town horn caused her to shriek and jump back. She put a hand to her chest and took several deep breaths. That was the signal for the workday to be over.

“Yes! I won!” She shook her fists and giggled. “Finally.”

Maury stepped out from the tree and re-entered the wheatfield. It was nearly dark, and inside the tall stalks of grain the light was virtually non-existent. Maury wrapped her arms around her. She had never hidden this far out from the town before. She had also never won a game of hide-and-seek. The air was quiet and humid inside the field. Bugs chirped and buzzed, but everything else was silent. Maury stuck her hands out in front of her to push her way down the rows. She had calculated that she had made a straight path from the old gnarly oak at the road to her hiding spot at the edge of the field, so all she had to do wa-

A screamed caused her to leap and screech. She tumbled to the ground as a figure leapt from her left, arms out to snatch her.

“Mamay!” she shrieked, desperately clambering backwards on the ground.

The figure stopped and laughed. Although he was silhouetted and nothing more than a short black blob in the dark, Maury knew that laugh. She choked and wiped away a tear.

“Mikael! You rat!”

Mikael grabbed her by the arm and hauled her to her feet. She punched him in the shoulder hard enough to knock him back a foot.

He grabbed his shoulder and laughed again. It was a light laugh, an annoying laugh right now.

Maury crossed her arms and marched by him. “Why did you do that?” she huffed.

Mikael jogged to catch up to her. He held his arms up. “Uh, to scare you. And to win. Again.”

Maury was shaking her head. “No. The horn went off. That means you lose.”

“Horn? What horn? I didn’t hear a horn?”

Maury sighed, pushing the pace. “Well, it went off. And you lost. And were a jerk.”

“Oh, come on, it was just a joke.”

“No, it wasn’t. Jokes are funny. That was mean.”

They broke the wheatfield and walked up a slight embankment onto a dusty road. There was the gnarly oak tree, sided by two lanterns on poles. The slight breeze made them sway, and it was a relief to blow across Maury’s face. There was more heat coming on her than from the weather.

Mikael put his hands to his side and looked down at Maury. “Fine. You win. This one time. But did you really if I knew where you were hiding?”

“You didn’t know where I was hiding.” Maury held her head high and took a right on the road.

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you didn’t, or else you would’ve tagged me.”

“Maybe I just wanted to scare you,” Mikael hollered as he turned to go left back to his home.

“Then prove it!” Maury growled. She stopped and turned. “Where was I hiding.”

Mikael chortled and shook his head. “That big oak. By the shoreline.”

Maury’s head dropped and her heart sank. Then she lifted her gaze. “You won’t find me tomorrow.”

Mikael scoffed. “Sure, I will, Maury. Even when you don’t see me, I’ll be near. Have a good night. Beat you tomor-“ He put his hand to his mouth. “I mean, see you tomorrow.”

He laughed and walked away. Maury rolled her eyes and clenched her fists.