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Young Writers Society


12+

Kings of the Skies Chapter 2 - Cal

by Messenger


Smoke clung in the air as ash swirled in the strong wind. The first of the raindrops were descending, splattering over the half capsized Blade, flames sizzling and popping as they struggled to burn the last bits of sparring and rigging of the demolished, once fast and swift, ship.

On a small hunk of wood, smoldering and blackened on one end that bobbed in and out of the choppy water, a sailor hung on. His arms were burnt, the flesh having being seared away by dragon fire. His clothes stuck to him, soaked from the top of his ruddy mess of hair, to his bare feet, submerged in the sea. He watched the skies, quivering from the cold, as well as from the fear of a dragon devouring him.

But as the storm rolled in, silence fell except for the pitter of the rain on bits of wreckage scattered like someone had taken a box of matchsticks and cast them aimlessly into a pool. The blood and oil was washed away by the ever increasing waves. The sailor simply hung on, drifting towards the distant, but distinct shoreline rising into the overcast day. As darkness descended he pulled what little measure of grit and determination left, and hauled himself fully on to the wreckage that was his raft.

~ ~ ~

A bright flash of light woke the sailor, Cal as he went by, to his feet. In a startled mess he staggered to his knees, expecting a dragon roar or a shout, only to slump back down as the realization of morning hit him. He would’ve groaned in pain, had his mouth not been so dry that his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, and his throat felt as if it had been stuffed with sand. All he managed was a low gurgle and a wheezy cough. The pain shot through his throat like an arrow, and he nearly hurled himself into the sea for want of water.

A small voice echoed in his mind. Hold on Cal! There will be rescue parties. Hang on. You can survive. He dragged his weary body to the edge of the raft and, clutching it with both hands, plunged his head into it. The shock woke him once more, and a relief flooded over his tired face. He held his head under for a long while before pulling it out with a deep breath. The rest of his boy yearned to fling itself into the waves, now simple ripples lapping at the edges of the raft, but if a breeze came upon Cal it would be quite the frigid experience. Best to not take chances. I’ll wait it out.

~ ~ ~

The rescue ship arrived within an hour. Cal was willing to be dragged out of the water and led to a room below deck of the Arien. The room was too short for Cal, considered tall among most, so he crashed to a cot in the corner. The only light in the room was a small candle dangling from the center beam of the ceiling. As a crew member arrived with a flask of water, Cal snatched it and hauled himself to the top deck. The het below was difficult to bear at any time, especially when he had just bee baking out in the sun for hours. He popped off the cork of the flask and took a large swig of water, swishing it around in his mouth before spitting it over the deck. He tried to wiggle his tongue and took another large swig, spitting it out.

Just as Cal finally took a small sip of water and let it run down his throat, the captain of the ship lumbered up from behind. To say he was large was accurate, but not adequate. He had the grace of a walrus, the step of a dragon, and the voice of a herald. Cal winced as he bellowed orders to two sailors at the cows nest. Spotting Cal, he sauntered over, giving Cal a hearty slap on the back, just as Cal took a large gulp of water. The result had Cal coughing his lungs out over the boat as the captain stood by watching, a helpless grin on his face. Cal turned, sucking in a breath.

“Awfully sorry about that m’boy!” he hollered. “What’s your name? Are you alright?”

Cal stuck out his hand, and in return got it crushed by the largest handshake of his life. He slipped his wounded hand behind his back, flexing the fingers. “It’s quite alright.” He gave a faint smile. “I go by Cal. And no, I’m not alright. As you can see,” he gestured to his arms, “my arms were pretty roughed up last night, and I some clothes that haven’t been mauled.”

The general grinned. “At once.” He turned towards the stern. “Auxy! This boy needs medical attention and some clothes.”

Auxy, a wiry young fellow with a shock of brown hair, the makings of an attempted moustache, and the smallest hands, especially in comparison to the captain’s, that Cal had ever seen. But it was the eyes that snagged His attention. They’re blue. He’s not from here. Auxy smiled, showing a row of pearly white teeth. Cal let out a light laugh. Ten years from now he’ll be lucky if he’s got half that many. And they won’t be white either.

“My name’s Auxy,” he said thrusting his out. Cal took it, trying to not envelope Auxy’s entire hand.

“Cal.”

“Follow me. I’ll get you patched up.”

As Cal turned to leave the captain tapped his shoulder. “Once he gets you fixed up, we need to talk. I need to know what happened to the Blade.”

Cal nodded, his face turning to a frown. “You won’t like it.”


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Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:23 pm
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Yo Messenger,

Here for the next bit. How long was Cal on his raft by himself? Because it sounds like it was the case of one night? If so, why is he so thirsty? Like, I get being a bit thirsty but it's so melodramatic that it's like he is dying. And yes, I do mean melodramatic, all of this reads a little bit over the top. I thought maybe with your last chapter that it was just an issue of nice lyricism getting in the way of your narrative, but the case is that right now there's not enough content to justify the melodramatic tone that has crept into your story. I'm pretty sure it isn't intentional, that there just happens to be this weird sense of "everything is awful and we're all about to die" in every line of this, but it isn't looking so good.

You aren't describing anything at all now, really, which feels very odd compared to last chapter. Especially considering you write some very nice lines re: blood and oil early on, and that nice description doesn't happen again. All we get is some more awkward and bizarrely out of character conversation. It's bizarre not because of what they say, though that is the problem, but because they are your characters, how can they not sound like it. Mostly because these characters seem like characatures of pirates, like children who have dressed up and are running a script they learnt after watching three too many Blackbeard films. I know these guys are pirates and the assumption is that they would speak differently to how we do, they'd have different slang and the like, but the problem is that the usual pirate slang is silly. It's all arr and me matey and such, which doesn't reflect contemporary society at all. When is this set? In a made up world/time yes, but one that is the equivalent of what era, because right now we don't have a suggestion but the pirates should be reflecting that societies' linguistic tics.

Maybe I've gone on a little too much about that. I'm still interested in the narrative you're presenting to us. I'm only asking that there be a little less melodrama and a little more content action.

thanks for posting!
- Penguin.




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Sun Aug 02, 2015 8:48 pm
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Sonder wrote a review...



Hey Mess! Night here finally for the review I promised. :) I read the first chapter and I'll give a quick review over that (because you have quite a few over there already) before I get into this chapter. :)

So to start with, I really enjoyed these first two chapters. As soon as dragons were mentioned, I was hooked. I love any fantastical twist in stories, and I sure hope that the dragons are what this story will circulate around. The first chapter did a great job of introducing your world, the setting, and the conflict. However, I felt that these first two chapters moved a bit too fast and lacked a certain depth, per say, and that they could have been stretched out and had more detail. They seem just the slightest bit choppy, because both of them feel like they move in two parts, with little build-up. For example (to clarify what I'm saying), this is how I felt the first two chapters worked.

First chapter:
Part 1: Captain and first mate discuss issues with dragon slaughter, and mention of Grevians is brought up and denied.
Part 2: Immediately after, the attack occurs, and the enemy is identified, but then the chapter ends before the tension can build much more.

Second chapter:
Part 1: Cal is the sole survivor (I think) and clutches to his piece of wreckage.
Part 2: Cal talks to the rescue crew and meets two new characters.

Do you see what I mean by them appearing in two parts? I don't think this is a bad thing, but I also think that they may be too short and lack the suspense and tension you're looking for. By adding more description and dragging out the actions a bit more, you can connect the reader to the story, get them invested. As it is, I felt that it jumped into everything too quickly and swept away without waiting for me to catch up.

Despite that, I really like the concepts. The descriptions of the boats and the dragons seem realistic and well thought out, and I'm really interested in what the story behind the boat's destruction is. I adored the beginning descriptions in this chapter, they were very vivid and easy to imagine. You did really well with that.

A few comments on Cal, now that we have a main character. Throughout the chapter, I kept waiting for him to show some trauma for watching his crew mates die beside him, or mention the pain on his arms more than 'roughed up' when the skin was burned off. >.> I felt he was a tiny bit flat in his dialogue and responses, and I'm not sure I have a very good idea what sort of character he is.

A few more random things.
The captain shook Cal's hand very heartily when the skin was burned off of his arms? That seemed pretty insensitive, not to mention painful, and I wasn't sure how Cal was moving his arms as easily as described. Question mark?

I liked the mention of Auxy's (cool name yesssss) blue eyes and how he was foreign, because that's yet another world-building thing that I enjoyed. Yay!

I really like your more formal style of writing. It fits in well with fantasy theme, and the sailor characters fit in well with it.

Some specific things that I felt needed some help.

The first of the raindrops were descending, splattering over the half capsized Blade, flames sizzling and popping as they struggled to burn the last bits of sparring and rigging of the demolished, once fast and swift, ship.
This is a run-on sentence, even if it has amazing description. Sometimes run-ons are fine, but this one was so long and choppy that it made me pause and have to reread it. I felt that it could be cut into two sentences, the first ending after "Blade", the second starting with "flames". I also felt that the phrase "once fast and swift" was awkward where it was placed. I felt that you could change it to something like, "Flames sizzled and popped as they struggled to burn the last bits of sparring and rigging of the once-magnificent ship, now demolished to heaps of smoldering debris." I think that sentence flows better and gives the reader more to hold onto. It's your choice, of course, but the original sentence stuck out as choppy for me.

As darkness descended he pulled what little measure of grit and determination left, and hauled himself fully on to the wreckage that was his raft.
A comma is needed after the word "descended". There were a few instances like this, but I didn't post them all. If you'd like, I could go back and try to find them? I think close editing could also fix it.

He dragged his weary body to the edge of the raft and, clutching it with both hands, plunged his head into it.
This sentence made me laugh because the focus was odd, so at first I thought he had plunged his face into the piece of wood he was riding on. XD Just change the last word "it" into "sea" or "ocean" for clarification that he's plunging his head into water, not bashing it against wood. XD

To say he was large was accurate, but not adequate. He had the grace of a walrus, the step of a dragon, and the voice of a herald.
There's nothing wrong with it, I just wanted to say that it's my favorite sentences in this chapter. I loved it. :)

As you can see,” he gestured to his arms, “my arms were pretty roughed up last night, and I some clothes that haven’t been mauled.”
I believe (but I'm not certain) that "my" should be capitalized, but I may be wrong on that. I also think there was a typo with "I some clothes". Does he mean "I need some clothes" or "I haven't any clothes that haven't been mauled"? I think it was just a typo. :)

But it was the eyes that snagged His attention.
Just a capitalization typo.

Overall, I really like the world you're creating. It's has enough aspects of realism that it isn't too hard to grasp, but has enough fantasy to make it very interesting. I like how conflict has been introduced fairly quickly, even if I think it should be stretched out a bit more. I would say that for the most part your descriptions are great, but that getting the reader personally connected should be worked for harder, such as with making relatable characters with stronger personalities. I'm liking where this story is going and look forward to the next chapters! Thanks for sharing and good luck with the rest of LMS!

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night




Messenger says...


wOooooo. Dats a big review. Thanks nighty! :) A lot of what you said just reassured me of some editing I was planning on. I hope to come back at some point and draw these characters out. Due to procrastination I've had to rush these first two chapters and so they aren't nearly what I'd like them to be, hence some of the wordyness and blandness, lack of characterization etc.

Haha I'm glad you like the dragons. I was super happy that for you at least, they seemed to blend right in. That's kind of my goal, is to have it be fantasy, but not have it seem ... out of place?? Also, the line with the captain was really fun to write xD I actually took a few minutes to write it out in a way that I thought it would bit the funny bone. I guess it paid off. :) You should enjoy next chapter more if you like dragons :p but I'm sure I've got some Mess ups. Thanks

~Messy



Sonder says...


Yay, sounds like a good plan. ^-^ No prob dude.




Lily you are my fig father
— Elliebanana