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16+

Doppelganger

by Mess


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

My eyes opened. It was another morning. As I stood up, I noticed that my head was hurting. It seemed like I slept like shit again. I rubbed my eyes a little bit and just as I turned my head, I saw it. There was a note on my desk.

It said: come down for breakfast ;)

„What the fuck?“ I said, tilting my head and squinting.

My mother never does things like that, and it wasn't my birthday either. "Well, whatever,“ I thought.

I turned to the door and opened it. And as I was slowly walking down the stairs, I heard people laughing histerically. The sounds ringing from their  throats were similar. Too similar. And familiar. My legs started slowing down. „What's going on?" I thought. Suddenly, the laughing stopped. You could cut the uncomfortable silence with a knife. I was already in front of the living room door. I didn't know what to think. I stepped in, opening the door, and I heard munching sounds.

I turned my head to the right to look at the white, tall  table, and there I saw… Myself. A literal carbon copy of myself feasting on a meal.The only difference was that he didn't have my dyed red hair. His hair was light brown, just like mine was before. He seemed to be enjoying his meal, but I couldn't see clearly what it was yet. At this point I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on, so I stomped forward, somewhat confident but still careful.

I couldn't believe what I was looking at . These… Creatures were eating a heart. I stood there, behind them in disbelief. There was another clone of me sitting at the other side of the table , eating his half of the heart gracefully with a fork and knife, his mouth closed. He was pitch black, like the darkness you see when you close your eyes, yet he had the same body as me, and the same voice. At this point the blood was splattering all over the table. I took a few steps back. How could these people eat a heart in such cold blood? My legs were shaking like two straws on a windy day. A thought crossed my mind: well maybe they are eating a pig's heart or something. I mean it's weird but okay, I guess… Or maybe I should get out.This is freaky.

The guy with  brown hair turned around. „Wahnt some?" He muttered with his mouth full of blood and meat, sploshing it around  while he was struggling to speak. I could see an artery in there,  and the sound was crunchy  and squishy. This  unsettling sound reminded  of a huge cocroach being squashed, and the insides spilling everywhere. It was disgusting. It felt  as if every hair follicle on my body stood up at that moment.

„No. Whose heart is it?" They countinued eating. I took a step back. I could barely speak. 

„Tell….Me…“

The brown one smiled, proudly revealing his blood smeared teeth. „Try it and you'll know.“

I stood there for a minute, completely frozen.

„Oh yeah, we haven't introduced ourselves, have we?" I am me, this is me, and you are also me. „Hi!" Whispered the dark figure.

„I am what?Wh- WHAT KIND OF?“ The dark figure was waving awkwardly. Suddenly, a small „me“ crawled out from under the table. He was full of bruises. He had long brown-blonde hair and tanned skin. It seemed as if they were trying to hide him with their legs. He started crying, but there was no sound coming from his throat. When I looked at him, I started weeping uncontrollably, yet they didn't even acknowledge he was there. The guy with the brown hair finished his meal, and the other one was almost done. He picked up a tissue and wiped his blood-stained lips. He let out a short, bitter laugh, looked at me in the eyes and said: „It's yours," while the dark figure  was mercilessly gulping down a classy glass of wine, with a smug look on his face,  like that was something ought to be celebrated.


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19 Reviews


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Reviews: 19

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Thu Oct 17, 2019 10:16 am
EmileeBrightman wrote a review...



Hello!
I'd just liked to say... wow. I've never read something this strange but gruesome at the same time. It was awesome! I loved how you used details such as the artery and everything. The fact that you could come up with something like this is just crazy, but in a definitely good way! I've always tried to write horror, but my imagination isn't good enough xD

I hope that you don't stop writing, because I totally want to see more of your work! I was hooked on it the whole time, and my eyes didn't wander off my computer screen once. Keep up the amazing work!!




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13 Reviews


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Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:12 am
riancarthy wrote a review...



Hey !
I was hooked since the start of the story. The title really pulled me in and I congratulate you for such a good story! It scared me a bit especially imagining it all in my head.

I initially thought the story was going to be about another you and everyone thinking you were the fake you but the idea you came out with was an even better one. At the start i just thought it was gonna be about you going down for breakfast and everyone staring at you with terror and disgust! But when you went downstairs and were confused as hell, i started to get really really interested, with the carbon bodied version of yourself, my jaw literally dropped! I loved how you went into detail with the, "I stomped forward, somewhat confident but still careful. i felt your emotion through the computer screen!

All in all, i really enjoyed this and it shows you have a very special talent. please don't stop and keep going because your story had me freaked the hell out ! All the very best @Mess and best of luck!


-@riancarthy




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Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:49 am
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IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Hey!
Wow, you did a really good job describing how the other 'me's were eating the hearts. The splattered blood, the squishing sounds, it played like a gruesome scene of a horror movie in my head.
The plot was unique, and the way you showed the doppelgangers was impressive. They were not completely identical to the protagonist. Makes me wonder, what kind of relationship did the protagonist have with his mother? It seems that they are rather distant. To be honest, at first I thought the doppelgangers killed the mother and ate her. Damn.

The opening sentence: “My eyes opened.” there's no grammatical error, but I feel like it'd be better if it went like this: “I opened my eyes.”

Anyways, I really liked your descriptive writing. Looking forward to reading more of your awesome works.




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Fri Jun 21, 2019 8:02 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a really freaky story... I was hooked from beginning to end! I liked the imagery, every description painted a clear image in my mind. The title fits in perfectly... and I think it also fits in with how you portrayed the idea of a doppelganger in a creepy way.

I do feel like maybe there could be a little more background to the story. In the beginning, the MC mentioned their mother. Well, what happened to the mother? Was this just a nightmare? Maybe it would have more effect if we knew more about the MC's character, inner feelings... just some insight to why she would see her own heart being eaten or why each of the "Me"s are dark figures. It might be some negative way the MC sees themselves, I don't know... there's probably a reason.

Anyway, that's all from me. This is a really interesting story. The more I think about the background of this character, the more questions I have. I think if you have more of a backstory, it would add a nicer conclusion to tie in the story together at the end. I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing :)




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Fri Jun 21, 2019 2:34 am
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! It's Jade and I'm just going to give this a quick review! I'm tired.

I don't know what the upside down quotation marks mean, but I suggest going through and fixing them. Separate your longer paragraphs to help the flow, and maybe make shorter sentences instead of the long, complex ones. It can work wonders for keeping your readers' attentions. And I saw a few spelling mistakes.

As for the story itself, I feel you should give more backstory into the protagonist and I think their reactions seem stunted. They react differently than a real person probably would in their situation. The plot was nice and this was an enjoyable read! With a bit of work this could be really good.

If you want me to elaborate on anything I said let me know, and I hope this helped a little. :)




Mess says...


It did! May I ask which spelling mistakes you saw? And yeah I did have a problem with deciding how the person would react. As for separating paragrhaps, I'm not really educated on how that works on this site yet. (Hopefuy I will be soon)



xJade says...


Periods and commas in the wrong spots, wrong use of colons, double spaces instead of single. And you seem to say what the protagonist thinks instead of showing us. Also, I know the winky face is part of the story but I suggest taking it out.

LASTLY: Just try to do two/three sentences per paragraph. Less is better than two muh and makes for a smoother read. If you edit this then I'll do a line-by-line review and be more thorough



Mess says...


Thanks!




If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer