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Doppelganger

by Mess


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

My eyes opened. It was another morning. As I stood up, I noticed that my head was hurting. It seemed like I slept like shit again. I rubbed my eyes a little bit and just as I turned my head, I saw it. There was a note on my desk.

It said: come down for breakfast ;)

„What the fuck?“ I said, tilting my head and squinting.

My mother never does things like that, and it wasn't my birthday either. "Well, whatever,“ I thought.

I turned to the door and opened it. And as I was slowly walking down the stairs, I heard people laughing histerically. The sounds ringing from their  throats were similar. Too similar. And familiar. My legs started slowing down. „What's going on?" I thought. Suddenly, the laughing stopped. You could cut the uncomfortable silence with a knife. I was already in front of the living room door. I didn't know what to think. I stepped in, opening the door, and I heard munching sounds.

I turned my head to the right to look at the white, tall  table, and there I saw… Myself. A literal carbon copy of myself feasting on a meal.The only difference was that he didn't have my dyed red hair. His hair was light brown, just like mine was before. He seemed to be enjoying his meal, but I couldn't see clearly what it was yet. At this point I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on, so I stomped forward, somewhat confident but still careful.

I couldn't believe what I was looking at . These… Creatures were eating a heart. I stood there, behind them in disbelief. There was another clone of me sitting at the other side of the table , eating his half of the heart gracefully with a fork and knife, his mouth closed. He was pitch black, like the darkness you see when you close your eyes, yet he had the same body as me, and the same voice. At this point the blood was splattering all over the table. I took a few steps back. How could these people eat a heart in such cold blood? My legs were shaking like two straws on a windy day. A thought crossed my mind: well maybe they are eating a pig's heart or something. I mean it's weird but okay, I guess… Or maybe I should get out.This is freaky.

The guy with  brown hair turned around. „Wahnt some?" He muttered with his mouth full of blood and meat, sploshing it around  while he was struggling to speak. I could see an artery in there,  and the sound was crunchy  and squishy. This  unsettling sound reminded  of a huge cocroach being squashed, and the insides spilling everywhere. It was disgusting. It felt  as if every hair follicle on my body stood up at that moment.

„No. Whose heart is it?" They countinued eating. I took a step back. I could barely speak. 

„Tell….Me…“

The brown one smiled, proudly revealing his blood smeared teeth. „Try it and you'll know.“

I stood there for a minute, completely frozen.

„Oh yeah, we haven't introduced ourselves, have we?" I am me, this is me, and you are also me. „Hi!" Whispered the dark figure.

„I am what?Wh- WHAT KIND OF?“ The dark figure was waving awkwardly. Suddenly, a small „me“ crawled out from under the table. He was full of bruises. He had long brown-blonde hair and tanned skin. It seemed as if they were trying to hide him with their legs. He started crying, but there was no sound coming from his throat. When I looked at him, I started weeping uncontrollably, yet they didn't even acknowledge he was there. The guy with the brown hair finished his meal, and the other one was almost done. He picked up a tissue and wiped his blood-stained lips. He let out a short, bitter laugh, looked at me in the eyes and said: „It's yours," while the dark figure  was mercilessly gulping down a classy glass of wine, with a smug look on his face,  like that was something ought to be celebrated.


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16 Reviews


Points: 971
Reviews: 16

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Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:49 am
IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Hey!
Wow, you did a really good job describing how the other 'me's were eating the hearts. The splattered blood, the squishing sounds, it played like a gruesome scene of a horror movie in my head.
The plot was unique, and the way you showed the doppelgangers was impressive. They were not completely identical to the protagonist. Makes me wonder, what kind of relationship did the protagonist have with his mother? It seems that they are rather distant. To be honest, at first I thought the doppelgangers killed the mother and ate her. Damn.

The opening sentence: “My eyes opened.” there's no grammatical error, but I feel like it'd be better if it went like this: “I opened my eyes.”

Anyways, I really liked your descriptive writing. Looking forward to reading more of your awesome works.




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114 Reviews


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Fri Jun 21, 2019 8:02 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a really freaky story... I was hooked from beginning to end! I liked the imagery, every description painted a clear image in my mind. The title fits in perfectly... and I think it also fits in with how you portrayed the idea of a doppelganger in a creepy way.

I do feel like maybe there could be a little more background to the story. In the beginning, the MC mentioned their mother. Well, what happened to the mother? Was this just a nightmare? Maybe it would have more effect if we knew more about the MC's character, inner feelings... just some insight to why she would see her own heart being eaten or why each of the "Me"s are dark figures. It might be some negative way the MC sees themselves, I don't know... there's probably a reason.

Anyway, that's all from me. This is a really interesting story. The more I think about the background of this character, the more questions I have. I think if you have more of a backstory, it would add a nicer conclusion to tie in the story together at the end. I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing :)




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125 Reviews


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Fri Jun 21, 2019 2:34 am
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! It's Jade and I'm just going to give this a quick review! I'm tired.

I don't know what the upside down quotation marks mean, but I suggest going through and fixing them. Separate your longer paragraphs to help the flow, and maybe make shorter sentences instead of the long, complex ones. It can work wonders for keeping your readers' attentions. And I saw a few spelling mistakes.

As for the story itself, I feel you should give more backstory into the protagonist and I think their reactions seem stunted. They react differently than a real person probably would in their situation. The plot was nice and this was an enjoyable read! With a bit of work this could be really good.

If you want me to elaborate on anything I said let me know, and I hope this helped a little. :)




Mess says...


It did! May I ask which spelling mistakes you saw? And yeah I did have a problem with deciding how the person would react. As for separating paragrhaps, I'm not really educated on how that works on this site yet. (Hopefuy I will be soon)



xJade says...


Periods and commas in the wrong spots, wrong use of colons, double spaces instead of single. And you seem to say what the protagonist thinks instead of showing us. Also, I know the winky face is part of the story but I suggest taking it out.

LASTLY: Just try to do two/three sentences per paragraph. Less is better than two muh and makes for a smoother read. If you edit this then I'll do a line-by-line review and be more thorough



Mess says...


Thanks!




"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare