Published October 30, 2008
~Hey, everyone. Here's part 6. Negative reviews are welcomed. Enjoy!~
Part 6
New Direction
After moments of awkward silence, I eventually
spoke up, “I'm sorry for your loss, Harper.” I tried
my best to be apologetic. I can tell she doesn't
want to cry, anymore. “We've spent year after
year in morning and grief.”
I saw her take another intake of breath and
spoke, “But once lost can never come back.
We'll always miss Jackson and never forget him.”
Thinking of what she said, I thought of something
that could lighten up the mood, “So, what school
will I be going to tomorrow?” Harper glanced at me
from her deep in thought, “Oh, just Beaufort High
School.”
“Cool.” I turned my head slightly and saw the sun
setting, “Well, I gotta go. See you tomorrow.” I got
up while she lead me to the door. “Bye Hailey.” I
smiled as I said, “Bye.”
Dinner
As I came inside the house I immediately smelt
pasta. I new it had to be my favorite. Walking to
the small dinner table, I saw that Grandma Essie
cooked fettuccine. “Wow, this looks great, Grandma.”
I told her as I washed up for dinner. After I was done,
we sat down and began to eat.
Knowing that this was my favorite, I savored every
morsel. “Hailey, your father called and said that you'll
be with me for quiet some time.” Dad, had called?
“This means that you and me will have some
get-to-know-you times.” I thought mom and
dad were only going to be gone for about two
weeks, but longer? “Is everything all right, deary?”
Grandma asked in a kind and caring tone. Thinking
of my thoughts, I spoke, “Yeah, everything is great,
grandma.” With saying those words, Grandma Essie
smiled and said nothing else through out the whole
dinner.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,699 Literary Works • 675,579 Reviews
Alrighty! I've been reading all the way through so far but everyone's pointed out everything, so I thought I'd start on the later chapters.
After moments of awkward silence, I eventually
spoke up, “I'm sorry for your loss, Harper.” I tried
my best to be apologetic. I can tell she doesn't
want to cry, anymore. “We've spent year after
year in morning and grief.”
"I can tell" should be "I could tell," to be in keeping with the tense of the piece.
I saw her take another intake of breath and
spoke,
Spoke should be speak.
Harper glanced at me
from her deep in thought,
You can't glance from a 'deep in thought' so maybe rephrase as, "glanced at me, deep in thought."
Well done, Merry. You're getting better and better; I love this story, it's so unique and your dialogue is very realistic. Well done! Write more.
xxx
Well, this chapter I felt was more developed than your other ones, you had more elements and such, but the way that Hailey just left Harper after that news was kind of...abrupt? I would really try to slow down that scene and make it clear how Hailey is feeling. Why is it awkard? What does she think of Harper? Of Jackson? Also, I don't think you ever described Jackson's appearence other than his hair. I would try to be more detailed in that aspect.
Another thing is the "longer at the grandma's house" plot twist. Why doesn't her grandma say why? And why doesn't Hailey speak up?
I guess these will be answered in the next chapte, hmm? lol
Good job, again!
Hm, what did you end it there for?? Post more SOOON, please
I only picked up two spelling mistakes:
knew
quite
I'm really disappointed it ended there, I want more soon
Great job, and keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx