Until The End-Part 5

by Merry_Haven

Published October 27, 2008

~Hey everyone. Here's part 5. Negative reviews are welcomed. Enjoy! :D ~

Part 5

Brother

Walking into Harper's room, I see band

posters all along the walls. Several of them

I know. I guess we're band junkies, then.

Her bookcase is filled with magazines, cds,

novels, and other trinkets. She has a desk, where

her computers at and a blue colored bed.

As we both sat on her bed, and I saw a photo of a

guy on her nightstand. I wonder who it is?

“That's Jackson.” Harper picked up the frame and

gave it to me. “Boyfriend?” She looked at me with a

strange expression and started laughing.

“No. It's no boyfriend, at that.” As she calmed herself

down, her facial expression became more darken

and sad. “Who is it, Harper?” I saw her take a breath

in and spoke, “That's my brother.”

Story

Her brother, Jackson, has the family brunette hair.

Short and spiked at different ends. His bright

emerald eyes and happy smile lifts up the picture

in a good way. His arm is around Harper, as they both

smile to the camera. She looks so young. “I was thirteen

when we took that picture.”

I glanced up at her and asked, “Is he in college now?”

Harper took a deep sigh, “He would be. But that

wouldn't be possible, wouldn't it.” I lifted up a dark

brow, while she added, “That picture was taken five

years ago when he was eighteen.” She stopped and

looked down for a brief moment, thinking. “He was

always happy, but no one knew what would happen.”

“Harper-” I stopped my flow of a sentence and

reconsidered what I was going to say. “What happened

to Jackson?” She looked me straight in the eye, searching

for an answer to all problems. “H-he.” She paused,

“Hailey, it was a suicide.”

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ashleylee
Review
ashleylee wrote a review Review · Oct 30, 2008

Oh wow...that's such a tough and sorrowful subject. I mean, that must have been hard on her and she must have had a lot of guts, telling Hailey that when they just met...

All right, to the overview, I think you should go into Hailey and her friends emotions at this time. We don't really know what they are thinking at this time, or how they are reacting. The reader needs those small points to really understand what is going on.

Another things is that you have to be careful with your sentences. Lucyy pointed out the ones I was going to get, but you do have a few mistakes in there :wink:

Otherwise, I'm on to chapter six!

User avatar
lucyy
Review
lucyy wrote a review Review · Oct 30, 2008

Ooh, great way to end - on a real note of suspense. Loved it!!
However, I found a few mistakes:

with magazines, cds,

CD's

her computers at and

computer's

her facial expression became more darken
and sad.

This doesn't make sense, try re-phrasing.

But that
wouldn't be possible, wouldn't it

Again, this doesn't make sense.

Another great chapter, Merry. I'm really enjoying reading this!! And what a twist ... I wonder how Hailey met him ... hmm ... very intriguing - awesome stuff!! Lol, sorry if this seems really abrupt, I just really want to go read the next part, so off I go ... :D

--Lucyy xx



A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost