Published October 27, 2008
~Hey everyone. Here's part 5. Negative reviews are welcomed. Enjoy!
~
Part 5
Brother
Walking into Harper's room, I see band
posters all along the walls. Several of them
I know. I guess we're band junkies, then.
Her bookcase is filled with magazines, cds,
novels, and other trinkets. She has a desk, where
her computers at and a blue colored bed.
As we both sat on her bed, and I saw a photo of a
guy on her nightstand. I wonder who it is?
“That's Jackson.” Harper picked up the frame and
gave it to me. “Boyfriend?” She looked at me with a
strange expression and started laughing.
“No. It's no boyfriend, at that.” As she calmed herself
down, her facial expression became more darken
and sad. “Who is it, Harper?” I saw her take a breath
in and spoke, “That's my brother.”
Story
Her brother, Jackson, has the family brunette hair.
Short and spiked at different ends. His bright
emerald eyes and happy smile lifts up the picture
in a good way. His arm is around Harper, as they both
smile to the camera. She looks so young. “I was thirteen
when we took that picture.”
I glanced up at her and asked, “Is he in college now?”
Harper took a deep sigh, “He would be. But that
wouldn't be possible, wouldn't it.” I lifted up a dark
brow, while she added, “That picture was taken five
years ago when he was eighteen.” She stopped and
looked down for a brief moment, thinking. “He was
always happy, but no one knew what would happen.”
“Harper-” I stopped my flow of a sentence and
reconsidered what I was going to say. “What happened
to Jackson?” She looked me straight in the eye, searching
for an answer to all problems. “H-he.” She paused,
“Hailey, it was a suicide.”
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Oh wow...that's such a tough and sorrowful subject. I mean, that must have been hard on her and she must have had a lot of guts, telling Hailey that when they just met...
All right, to the overview, I think you should go into Hailey and her friends emotions at this time. We don't really know what they are thinking at this time, or how they are reacting. The reader needs those small points to really understand what is going on.
Another things is that you have to be careful with your sentences. Lucyy pointed out the ones I was going to get, but you do have a few mistakes in there
Otherwise, I'm on to chapter six!
Ooh, great way to end - on a real note of suspense. Loved it!!
However, I found a few mistakes:
CD's
computer's
This doesn't make sense, try re-phrasing.
Again, this doesn't make sense.
Another great chapter, Merry. I'm really enjoying reading this!! And what a twist ... I wonder how Hailey met him ... hmm ... very intriguing - awesome stuff!! Lol, sorry if this seems really abrupt, I just really want to go read the next part, so off I go ...
--Lucyy xx