Published August 25, 2008
To everyone: I am no longer writing or editing this piece. Please check out my other works. Thank you.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Sorry, Merry that it took me so long to get this up. But I was at my aunts and I didn't have any of my reviews that I did (you know how I do them on my comp instead of on the internet) well yeah, so that's why. Sorry again
I really REALLY liked this chapter! Especially that moment with James. So romantic! He is so hot! I love him the best and I hope Sophia realizes soon that he is her suitor….
But back to your review....
It was intense
I would advise you to combine these two sentences together. It would make the flow a lot smoother, like: …and they tightly wrapped their plan, white shawls around them for warmth. Or something like that
Should be James’
Should be were
My only other suggestion would be to make each of the characters more unique. The only one that really stands out to me is Sophia, and she’s the main character. Otherwise, all the girls seem to be struck by every boy they meet, and all the men are handsome and eye-catching. The only one that stands out for them is James (gosh, he is dreamy
Otherwise, keep up the good work!
jasmine12-
} and, of course I'll take your pointers and everyone else's and use it.
When I get the chance I'll fix it. {before school comes
Again, thanks!
-Merry
I agree with the person above me. Things do seem a bit rushed.
BUT!
It's an easy fix.
Blend in with what you've already got, just some of Sophia's thoughts. Briefly state how James invited them to Lyme. easy enough.
Very good.
I'm off to read more!
uh no....
i have a feeling that this is going to get all tangle up with Lucy falling for Issac and Helena falling for Simon.
and what was James going to say? "that I am Your..." that's going to drive me crazy.
just a couple of questions:
what did they did after the ball? did they stay up and talk? and why did James invite them to come along?
you are missing these things. you seems to be rushing through it. slow down a bit.
i am off to read the second part.