Published August 18, 2008
To everyone: I am no longer writing or editing this piece. Please check out my other works. Thank you.
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This was a very intruiging piece but, I think it would help if you described more. What does her home look like, what do the main charaters look like? Where doesshe live? It will help capture the reaserand let them be apart of the story. Also, write about how the characters feel. This is a very well written story. I hope to read more.
There are some grammar mistakes, but otherwise this is shaping up to be a lovely story so far. I enjoy the insight we get to Sophia's inner thoughts and the fact that you've included some suspense this early in the story. The one thing I'm having the most trouble with is really that I'm not sure when exactly the story is set.
I noticed that you mentioned it was somewhere in the 19th century (or maybe I misread that and it actually takes place in the 1700's).
Mr. Kingsford seems like a nice man, and his introduction (noting his attempt at a smile) shed a little light on his character. Maria's inclusion was also a nice touch.
This was a good piece. I really enjoyed it.
Although there are some things you can improve on.
First of all, to me, it felt like a plain cracker, without anything on it. A really good base, but you need some seasoning, some flavor, some pizzaz. Put in descriptions, really pretty language that puts me into the century. That would make it really fun to read.
Also, you repeated words a lot. Like "Maria" and "corset" change it up a bit or else it sounds redundant.
And the fathers death took me by surprise. You told us the mother died, but I don't remember you mentioning the father. Maybe I just missed it, so disregard this if I did.
One more point I want to make is that, when you say what Sophia is thinking, it kind of sounds like she's a young child. If she's old enough to inherit things from her father's will, then she probably would have some more mature thoughts.
But anyway, I really enjoyed it.
Keep up the good work.
-jade.
This is my kind of story!
Great job, I was able to visualize it in my head easily.
This has maintained your standard of excellence. But there were a few grammatical mistakes:
You should have "The early Monday morning light", because Monday is not an adjective for light. You can get rid of "through" altogether, because you pierce something, you don't pierce through it. And I would have "waking Sophia up". I think it sounds better, but that one is more up to you.
It is "I will never be used to waking up like this." She is speaking of getting used to a task, and what are tasks for? Doing. Wak-ing.
There should be a comma after eyes, because her eyes do not show her pale skin, brushing her hair out of the way does.
This is strange. Maybe you should have "This thought came to her as she asked for the white corset." Thoughts are always unspoken unless you actually say that the character speaks them. And the "coming with" thing just sounds a bit weird.
These sentences are plain confusing. Maybe if you rewrote it more cleanly, like saying that she tied "it" instead of "the strings", and just "with the corset on her" instead of "tightly on her". Having barely no breath to speak indicates that Sophia wishes to have no breath, so instead you should have "With barely any breath to speak".
Is he talking on a phone? This doesn't make sense. Unless he has an invisible friend or is talking to himself, people don't normally talk like this when organising their thoughts.
Overall a fantastic and enthralling story, but be careful about your grammar.
The ending of this is just great - I love the way you've changed this to two parts a chapter - builds up loads of suspense!!
I'm off to read the next part,
Lucyy xx
(: This is a really good story!
jasmine12-
I didn't know that for the outfit. I'll have to change that for the story. So thanks for info.
But this is the 18th hundreds.
Otherwise, thanks for reading!
-Merry
LOVE IT!
The only thing that bothered me is her dress. Depending on the time, she would have a skirt and like a pettie coat and all this other crappy layers, not just the gown. I don't know all the details, but I know that much.
Well, I'm off to see what those 'conditions' are!
So excited!
ohhh cool.
it's not everyday that the daughter is listed into the fortune becaus eof her her being a female. i have a feel that this is going to be interesting and scary at the same time.
because she will have to deal with fortune hunter and rakes.
seems good for so far, i am off to read the second part of this chapter.
Ashley-
Sorry that you had to do the correcting thing again. I thought it'll be easier for me to break it up in two parts.
Anyway, thanks. Sometime today, I'll edit it.
Oh, and actually I have the whole storyline down, but I'm not going to give anything away.
So I'll send in the next part later today. Thanks, again.
-Merry
Okay, I just got done correcting your full Chapter One, and when I signed in to YWS and saw that you had it broken up, I was like “No!” hehe
I had to do the whole correcting again…
It was interesting, Merry. Now it sounds like some game that her father wants her to play. So original, Merry! 
But that’s okay because I like the story!
Wow, lots of description here. It seems like you are over emphasizing the muslin and couch. Try something like: …laying out Sophia’s baby-blue muslin over the tan couch. We already know she is in her room so that last part is not needed.
Comma after “Miss” instead of a period. And a small “t” on “the”
“As Mr. Kingsford smiled” what? You just cut it off. Might need to add more there
Good, Merry. I really like this story.
On to Part Two>>>>>>
Lucyy & booklover-
Thanks for the helpful reviews. I actually revised and edited this chapter into two parts. So thanks, again.
-Merry
You need to reword this sentence. Try reading your sentences out loud to see if they make sense.
Decide whether you are going to call her Sophia or Miss Sophia. It's confusing when you switch back & forth.
It should be too.
Describe what Sophia looks like. What Mr. Kingsford looks like. What her home looks like.
Here you do a pretty good job of describing Maria, but you forget to describe the other characters and their surroundings.
This would be better worded as: Sophia slipped on her white slippers and walked out of the room.
It is a pretty good story but it needs some work.
Only a few small alterations I have spotted:
Maybe you could a thought/emotion of Sophia as she learns about these conditions. Eg, is she confused, worried, anxious etc ...
I think 'understood' would sound better
What does she see when she looks out of the window? (setting)
When Sophia's saying goodbye to her house, maybe you could add more detail to it. For example, have her looking out the carriage window at the house as it slowly moves out of her view? Do you get what I mean?
You could try something like: Sophia looked out of the carriage window, watching as the grand house she could no longer call her home unless she found a husband faded out of sight. (something along those lines but better put)
I think to improve you could add some setting of the house as throughout this chapter I was unable to paint a picture in my mind of her house & also a short description of Mr. Kingsford?
Overall I liked this & its building up the suspense as I'm curious as to who these three suitors are & how she will find them!!
I hope this review helped & I can't wait for the follow - up. You have to PM me when you post it
Lucyy xx