Published August 18, 2008
To everyone: I am no longer writing or editing this piece. Please check out my other works. Thank you.
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
I very much enjoyed this piece. I thought that you gave superb detail and showed the characters emotions very well. It has potential.
Hello Merry!
Okay, I liked this. Its a relief to read one of those 18th century novels. I'm been busy trying to write mine and I am now officially taking a break, so I will say bravo! Some writers come out and so "The father was about to die" But your style and the descriptions were so elegant and lovely. It kept me at the edge of my seat and the last sentence! I'll admit, there could be a little bit more descriptions here and there. Maybe describe how gray and desolate the house seems now that death has knocked on its door. Moans, of pain, probably pour out into the hallway or something. Other than that, it was good and Sophia is a likable character and these three suitors? Well we shall see.
Ta for now,
~Angel
This is a great preface - I get information about Sophia, I get suspense, I get the idea as to who the suitors are and I get a great setup for a plot! There are a few grammatical errors, however.
You need a comma after Selwood.
You need a pause, in the form of a comma or dash, between upon and or. This would increase our understanding of Sophia being scared of having to fend for herself.
It's "squeezed her eyes shut from the pain", not of.
The first part of the sentence makes you think he is getting worse through the hours, but then you explain he got worse when his wife died. You have written it as though he is getting worse in the short-term, then confuse the reader by making it long-term. You need to write how the death of his wife caused him to become worse, because now it does not make sense.
Have you ever given a breath? I haven't. It's not the appropriate verb for breath. You breathe a breath, you let out a breath, you take in a breath, but you do not give a breath. You need to change it.
This is shaping up nicely! I'm going to go read the rest now, because it sounds well worth reading!
Wow, I love the new improved preface!! You wrote it beautifully & the starting paragraph was just amazing, it drew me in straight away!
This preface built up loads of suspense & I'm off to read the next chapter straightaway!!
Lucyy xx
Holy Moly! This was addicting to me. I loved the suspense and the mystery. I have a few questions though. How old is Sophia and are they poor or rich? But once again I am totally hooked. LOVE IT!
Oh wow. This is amazing! (:
Oh! Oh! OH! TOTALLY HOOKED.
Very well written.
But, uhm what time are they in? Well, suitors should give it away, yeah?
ha! I'm gonna go read the rest.
i got goosebump when i read the last line.
it's seem good, but i should go and read the others chapter that you have post.
now, i am off to read the other chapters. i will probably read chapter one tonight and the read chapter 2 tomorrow.
good luck with continue your stories.
Ooooohhhh, Merry! Right after that last line about the three suitors, I got goosebumps and I just knew this would be good story
“quiet” instead of “quite”
You use “last” too frequently here. I would reword these two. Also, they both kind of say the same thing so maybe all you need to do is combine.
“any” isn’t necessary here. You can just cross that out. Keep it in there makes the sentence really choppy.
This was good!
No need for the comma after the first “clock”
But there should be a comma after “calm down”
Comma after “worry”
All right, Merry, I think you did really well with this!
1. PACE. I felt that it was very rushed. It took me only like five seconds to read, but that might just be me being a fast reader
2. “LY” WORDS. Maybe it’s just ‘cause I’m in a picky mood but I noticed that you use “ly” words a lot, and in close proximity. I would try to cut those out. You don’t always have to describe them in that way. Experiment with different ways and that will definitely help.
3. SIR SELWOOD. There isn’t much on him yet. We only know that he is bald.
Other than that, this was great!
On to chapter one>>>>>>
Lucyy-
thanks for the review! It helped and I'm going to edit it when I finish the next piece.
-Merry
This was short & sweet (: I think the length was just right & I already like the sound of this
To my critiquing:
Even though full and filled are different words, they still originate from the same word so using them in the same sentence sounds a bit repetitive. Do you get where I'm coming from? So maybe you could alter that ...
Shouldn't it be one word? Throughout?
No need for an apostrophe there
You've used the same description on two different men .. try altering one of them ...
Awww like this sentence
Ohhh, liking this
Really liked this, I think the length suited this perfectly & PM me when you post the follow up piece!!
Hope this critique helped, you know how nit-picky I am in reviews
Lucyy xx