Published July 30, 2008
~I'm deleting this story because I have no wish to continue with it~
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,695 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
I’m really enjoying this & I really can’t think of anything really major for improvement. The word document points out a few grammatical & wording errors & I also felt that this chapter was a little rushed. I think you should add more descriptions of the house at the start as there isn’t a very clear picture being painted here of your surroundings & add a bit more to the party & arrival of the family & when Cain & Eve are re-united. But, apart from that there’s nothing more I can think of!! I’m off to read the next …
Lucyy xx
ummm...its seem kind of rushed to me for some odd reason. maybe slow down the reunited of cain and Eve a bit, explain it a bit more. I dunno. i am not good at this kind of thing. but i do like the plot. Lost love being reunited. it's good.
well, good luck with the rest. i'm off to read the other chapter.
Good, I liked the length
But I do felt it was kind of rushed. For example:
To leave or not to leave, that is the question...?
Cain’s exit was very abrupt and unexpected. You need to help us out there but going into Eve’s thoughts on the matter. Was she angry? Sad? Or was this usual behavior from him? You have to give us at least a little bit of insight here.
The festivities have begun!
I do think the party was rushed. You else arrived besides the aunt?? Was it just the parents that was apart of her immediate family?? Stuff like that need to be answered so the reader can absorb him/herself into the moment.
Okay, time for individuals:
Missing an “o”.
Also here, I think you could elaborate more on her thoughts.
Comma after “well”
Cut off the first “up”. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.
Add the word “it” between “as” and “showed”
Add the word “it” after “and”
Comma after “stunning”
Comma after “you” and no need for the “you” to be capitalized.
Comma instead of a period after “Shh”
And a small “h” on “he”
Comma after “father” and “mother”
Other than that, this was good, as usual
I’ll keep my eyes open for more!