Published July 28, 2008
~I'm deleting this story because I have no wish to continue with it~
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140,556 Literary Works • 673,434 Reviews
Ooh, I’m really liking this!! There are a few grammatical & wording errors that I have pointed out in the document, but otherwise the emotions & thoughts & suspense are still eminent in this chapter!! I hope my critique helps & I’m off to read the next chapter …
Lucyy xx
Okay, Merry, you continued down the right path with your story. I really enjoy how ever chapter is opposite. You post one of the past and then one of the present. I like it like that
Now, I did notice a few things overall about your piece…
Oh, the sacrifices we make to be what we are…
I sensed some hostility against your MC’s nature. In the beginning of the chapter, she seemed to relish the being she was, but at the end…she was almost loathed being what she was. You might need to be more specific about that but I’m guessing we found out more in the following chapters
The past is not to be dwelled on, but left behind to learn from and forget.
You MC also seems to have some regret about the past. And I think you did well with that but maybe expand some of it. Give us some insight into her mind, let us in to see what she is thinking, to hear her thoughts. That might help with the first thing I mentioned as well.
Now, on to the individual stuff!
“bedroom’s” instead of “bedrooms”
Comma after “windows”
Comma instead of a period after “Nnn”
Awkward sentence. Try: In my room, there are small, dark purple candles that border my windowsill and my crimson-colored bed sits in the middle of the room. Or something like that.
Confusing…Maybe try: I know others like me and my family; they sleep either because they feed all night or they spend the evening hours at midnight parties until dawn. or something similar.
Comma instead of a period after “no”
Comma instead of a period after “Eve”
Comma after “falls”
“stronger” or “more strong” You can’t have both
All right, this was good, Merry! I really enjoyed it!
On to chapter five…
Mostly I said all I needed to in the first two chapters. Just stick by those and you'll be find, although I may add a few things later on if I see anything extra.
Also, watch out for repetition pitfalls. They're all too easy to tumble into.
-SELA
Dr. Jamie Bondage,
Thanks for the criticism and you don't sound critical. I just need the criticism to help me improve. So thanks again and I'm going to edit it right now.
-Merry
First for specifics:
1. I didn't like to sleep much and I wasn't an insomniac.
Contractions are bad writing. Izm sorry. a few are okay, and in dialogue it's fine, but having that many contractions in th story is just annoying!
2.Midnight parties were the best of Salina, they made everything more haunting.
This either needs t be two sentences, or connected by something. Or, you could take out the "they" after the comma.
3. Slowly getting out of bed, I saw the two pictures on my night table staring at me.
This needs t be part of the paragraph below it.
4.The other one I didn't like to think about so I put the picture face down. Hoping that someday I wouldn't have to see that memory again. A memory I cherished deep within me yet lost in the mist of time years ago.
The last two sentences are fragments. Try: The other picture was turned faced down in order that I would not have to remember that memory I cherished deep within me, but yet was lost in the midst of time years ago.
Idk. something like that. Smoothe it out. Play with it.
5. We feel weak but when night falls we feel stronger and more powerful then in the day.
"We" is bad. It's used a lot in the next couple of sentences. a couple is okay. But...in this case, tell or describe for the reader who/what "we" are.
6. The Hemingway household needed to look absolutely perfect when the guests arrived and when my family comes.
This is stated oddly. Try: The Hemingway household needed to look absolutely perfect for when my family returned and the guests arrive.
7. As I slipped out of my dark room, I wondered what Riley meant by a surprise?
The "?" is not needed. it should be a period.
General:
1. take out a lot of the contractions.
2. add detail. You have five senses, use them to describe what's going on.
What does the black dress look like? What material is it? is it soft? Scratchy? Annoying? comforting?
How heartbroken is she? does she ache? Is she keeping it in? Does she hate life? guys?
Describing helps.
3. It's too short. But if you add more detail, it will really help lengthen it.
4. She talks to herself...
This is okay, but then some of the things seem to be thoughts. if a character thinks something, it needs to be in italics.
Overall:
I like the story. It just needs to be refined and lenghthened. I hope this helps. sorry if I seeem critical. =*(
Jamie
re-read through you work. you got a couple of mistakes. like dead blood red roses. make sure if you use more than one adjective, use commas or it will just be one big mess and i'm sure you don't want that.
anyways, i don't nothing wrong with it, except for the part i just pointed out.
keep up the good work.