Published July 27, 2008
~I'm deleting this story because I have no wish to continue with it~
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
This is really good & there’s lots of emotions from your MC which is great . Also, I like the way you are differing from past to present, it keeps the suspense in the story & I also love the way you casually throw in important details, keeping us on our toes & in suspense!!
I think to improve that bit more & make this chapter slightly longer, you could add more descriptions of the surroundings as I’m not getting a real idea of what this club looks like and a more physical description of Cain, if it’s able to fit in. Apart from that and a few wording errors, I can’t think of anything else major to critique on. I’m enjoying reading it & I’m off to read the next installment!!
Hope this & the separate document helps,
Lucyy xx
it's interesting. i like your details and eveything.
pm me when you put up another piece.
Hey everyone!
Just wanna tell you guys a little about Fallen Sorrows. Through out her story {Riley and Lily will have their own too} Eve remembers times when she went out with Cain. These memories are little things that could make the story better and tell more behind the relationship of them. Except they do decrease when she meets someone {not Cain}. The story does have a plot and if you wanna know it PM me and I'll tell you. I just don't want to spoil it or give anything away. All three of the stories in the trilogy are connected. So enjoy and look forward to Riley's story: Fallen Shadows.
Love ya all!!
-Merry
Hello! I'm the lame-bum who critiques random stories, so here I am! XD
Ditch that sentence at show it. Maybe you look up from your empty glass? Look through the smoke? Search through all the gruff men to find him? Set an image right off, dear.
How's she know all that? And why's that make him lower his head down to kiss her?
Overall Comments
Hmm… that actually wasn't bad. Maybe rate it R, though.
Give us a little more impression of where she is, who she is, who Cain is, and who the others are, and you'll be all set.
I'm really surprised, but I have no further critique for this piece! Short and sweet – good job.
*Gold star*
~JFW1415
Edit: Is this a chapter of a story??? If so, write chapter in the subject and at the top of the page. 'cause this stands on it's own, and (while I haven't read the other chapters,) I don't think it's good for a chapter story - it doesn't move the plot along at all.
This was good!
Description, plot and everything else is coming together for you. I did notice you missed a few commas but I'm in a hurry so I can't really point those out at the moment.
(which is a good thing!)
I do want you to watch out for the ending. The pace started to quicken at the end and I had to hurry to catch it up. Also, her thoughts on this whole scene is unknown to the reader. Slip in some of those and your MC will really stand out!
I did also notice that you jumped back in the past somewhere in your story. Like, in the last chapter, she was at her house. Now she's at a club. Maybe some where give us some subtle hints that you are talking about the past, because I got the feeling you were.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so short but you really have no mistakes!
Keep Writing!