Published July 8, 2010
Unbreakable
Alone in the world,
The old oak tree, growing apart from the rest,
A forgotten existence.
Its leaves, a green oasis of faded memories,
And its bark, shattered hopes
As dark as the shadows of a sweet September evening.
This tree, a living example
Of the emptiness overwhelming the soul,
Wanting to let go, give up,
Begin again.
But, withholding its strength,
Permanent where it stands,
Unbreakable;
And as the last lone wolf
Bellows with darkness falling,
Everything is disrupted,
Another moment lay to waste.
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey! I did like this, but I agree with the other people above. I would like to say there was one part I wasn't to happy about.
As much as I like the writing, it fits kind of oddly with the rest of it. Perhaps you had a reason, maybe to bring it out. But in my opinion, I wasn't a fan of the formatting there. But overall very nice
Hi,
This wasn't at all what the title caused me to expect, and I thought that that was really great!
I enjoyed your imagery, particularly in the second stanza, and this flows nicely.
Some of the lines are a bit bland and that dragged this down. For example "lone wolf," "darkness falling "laid to waste" are overused phrases generally, so much so that they didn't create any images in my mind. I'd try for something more visual and specific. Tell the reader what you can see in your mind when you dwell on this subject, and try to make them see it too.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I really like it, though I think that some of the phrases contradict the idea of the poem, like where you say, "and it's bark, shattered hopes." If these hopes you are referring to are the tree's, then the tree is not really unbreakable. If the bark is the general shattered hopes of the world, then that would make more sense. You've got something great going here, though!