Young Writers Society

For those struggling with the names, don't worry! Yashagami and Sakuro are the only characters with hard names to pronounce
You can pronounce them like this:
Yawsh-ah-gaw-mee
Yah-gee
Sawk-kur-oh
Sawk-oh

Pictures of these characters are on my wall if you would like to see them!

Thank you for reading my book Hybrids! Please comment below if you'd like!

They just lock them away for being hybrids? Maybe they’re afraid of hybrids and what they’ll do to humans. If so, then…that’s not fair to all of the other hybrids. Everyone is different. I’ll have to see how it plays out in the other chapters later on. I sure do hope that Yagi and Sako can escape whatever prison they’re in and see the world for themselves…the world they deserve.

I wish you a lovely day and night.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a lovely little piece here. I think you've done an excellent job in terms of setting up a really interesting person here in what also appears to be a pretty interesting world. I for one am very excited to learn more about both.

Anyway let's get right to it,

What was freedom? What did it taste like? Was it even real anymore?

Yashagami -or Yagi as he preferred to be called -wanted freedom. He hated living in this building where he was stuck in the same room all day and all night behind a locked door. He hated it with a passion.

His room was all white except for some color that he brought in himself. When he was younger he was allowed to color and he’d use the colorful paper to make origami. Now each of the animals, a blue fox, a red butterfly and a yellow duck sat neatly on his white bookcase.

Every room was the same shade except for those animals. He used to think of this place as an insane asylum. The walls were padded, there was a table with two chairs, a bed that was really like a comfortable cot, there was the bookcase, a sink, a bathroom located in the room behind the sink, there was a dresser and a mirror.

But what he hated the most was the mirror. He hated to look at himself. Looking at how much he had grown reminded him that he had spent his entire seventeen years here behind walls.

For seventeen years having never felt the warm sun on his face.

For seventeen years of having no family.

For seventeen years of waiting for freedom.

For seventeen years he was being watched through that one way mirror.

He hated how he knew there were people on the other side of that mirror. People who were always watching him. Occasionally he gives them the middle finger at that mirror just to get them mad. Served them right for watching him 24\7, he thought.

He had tested it. One time he decided to stay in the bathroom for exactly two hours and three people came in searching for him to make sure he was okay and not passed out on the floor. He was punished for his idea of a joke but he did it again just differently a week later.

When he was younger he acted like he was having a seizure and Doctor came to check on him. Another time he got mad and started to hit the mirror so two men dragged him to his bed and locked him in it. It never took long for someone to come check on him.

They kept him in a locked up room with no one to see other than those he saw every week like Doctor and Nurse who did their weekly check ups on him and the other hundreds of teenagers like him.

Yagi hated it here. Why were they here?

The only good in this place was his friend Sako who lived right next to him. They talked through the vent in their wall. They were both tall enough now that they could even stand on the bed to look into the vent and see each other. They used to be punished for it but after a while they stopped because they did it so often.

Yagi liked being able to see Sako. They used to describe what they looked like to each other. Sako had told him that he was Asian so naturally he had black hair but he had blue eyes. He said he was fit and he was tall. He hated his smile and had a scar on the left side of his jaw.

Yagi would tell him that he wasn’t sure if he was Asian or not. One of his parents was probably Asian since he did kinda look like he was Asian feature wise. He had slightly wavy blonde hair and brown eyes. He was fit and tall too.

When they saw each other they were exactly as they described each other. It was amazing to finally see your friend. Ever since then they had looked at each other through the vent almost every day.

It was amazing to have a friend. Both the cots faced the same wall. The headboards were back to back. Yagi loved the fact that he actually had someone he could trust. Someone to talk to.

He remembers the day Sakuro came. Both of them were ten at the time. Sako was the only kid who had been said to not have been cared for since infancy here. Someone had brought him. Yagi remembered the cries and the screaming that Sako did. He remembered the banging of his attempt to get out. He remembered when he heard him being punished for it. He remembered staying awake because all he could think about was the kid next to him who was crying and couldn’t sleep because he was scared.

“I’m Yagi.” He had told him.

“Who said that?” Sako’s scared young voice replied.

“Someone like you.” He answered, “I’m a friend. My name is Yagi.”

That night Sako stopped crying. He fell asleep knowing that he had a friend and that he wasn’t alone.

After years of knowing each other they were more like brothers.

And they both wanted freedom.

Hi, Mercedes!
Happened to be going through the Green Room (where all new works get posted) and found your piece! Figured I'd drop by and give you a review. But first I want to say really quickly, if you want your comment to appear on top of the other comments, be sure to click the option "sticky this comment" or something like that. It puts that comment at the top.

Okay, onto the review. (Another side note, this might sound really nitpicky at first, but you said you wanted feedback on how to improve, so these are all my honest thoughts. ) I'll start with where I recommend improvement. *Take a deep breath, some of this may be a little rough on you*

"The only good in this place was his friend Sako who lived right next to him." This sentence implies that Sako lives right next to Yagi, as in sharing the same room. Later, you mention that he lives a wall away, and they talk through a vent. I suggest adding something like "right next to him, in a cell across from his own" or something along those lines for clarification.

"Yagi liked being able to see Sako. They used to describe what they looked like to each other. Sako had told him that he was Asian so naturally he had black hair but he had blue eyes. He said he was fit and he was tall. He hated his smile and had a scar on the left side of his jaw."

So I figured out later that this referred to Yagi describing himself to Sako and Sako describing himself to Yagi because they couldn't see each other. I suggest trying to make that a little clearer. I thought the two were seeing each other through the vent and describing each other as they saw each other.

"He remembers the day Sakuro came." This part you switched to present tense for a bit. No problem, though. I catch this one frequently. People on YWS say I have an unusually good critical eye for catching errors like that...
What was freedom? What did it taste like? Was it even real anymore.

Here's a list of sentences that I thought could use a comma. The rule is that when two full, complete sentences are joined by a conjunction (and, but, or) you add a comma before the conjunction.

"They used to be punished for it but after a while they stopped because they did it so often." (Comma between "it" and "but")

"He was punished for his idea of a joke but he did it again just differently a week later."
(Comma between "joke" and "but")

When he was younger he acted like he was having a seizure and Doctor came to check on him. (Comma between "seizure" and "Doctor")

When he was younger he was allowed to color and he’d use the colorful paper to make origami. (Comma between "color" and "and")

Okay, you made it through my suggestions! Time for the parts I loved! *purple heart emoji*

The opening line is in itself a hook. It grabs the reader's attention and makes them wonder first off all, what's going on, and secondly what the answer to these questions are. Good job, there!

"The walls were padded, there was a table with two chairs, a bed that was really like a comfortable cot, there was the bookcase, a sink, a bathroom located in the room behind the sink, there was a dresser and a mirror."
These lines were so boring and dull, they very accurately mirror the mood Yagi feels toward his room. It's as if he has to write a paragraph for school on what his room looks like, and that's what it ended up looking like. Good job, Mercedes.

Allow me to quote a big section. (Every sentence in this counts. I love it so much!)

"But what he hated the most was the mirror. He hated to look at himself. Looking at how much he had grown reminded him that he had spent his entire seventeen years here behind walls."

This part ^ was phenomenal. I was totally not expecting that. It really drives a stark contrast between the boring room description and the high-stake emotion here. It really brings up the intensity and makes the reader (myself) wonder WHYYYY???? That paragraph alone is quite hooking.

"For seventeen years having never felt the warm sun on his face.

For seventeen years of having no family.

For seventeen years of waiting for freedom.

For seventeen years he was being watched through that one way mirror."

Okay, pause the quote here. That repetition is AWESOME. Here, it really emphasizes just how stuck Yagi is truly feeling. It also shows how dull and meaningless his life has been. If it were another way, at least the words would be mixed up a bit, but no. They're plan and repetitious. Just like his life. Your words mirror his emotions. Great job, there.

Moving on...

"He hated how he knew there were people on the other side of that mirror. People who were always watching him. Occasionally he gives them the middle finger at that mirror just to get them mad. Served them right for watching him 24\7, he thought."

(Okay, quick critique, you switched to present tense again with the verb "gives" )

Anyway, that part REALLY hits on the emotion and anger, not to downplay his frustration at being locked in this one room with so little color, the paper origami looks so vivid and bright, though I picture the colors faded with time. But that's just me. That little detail about the origami is cute and suggests a happier childhood, something he lost long ago, but still tries to cling onto to the best of his abilities. All of this begs the question WHY! Why are the characters being treated like this! (I'm so glad to have another chance to reread through this, btw. I forgot how good it was. )

Okay, THE cutest moment is here...
“Someone like you.” He answered, “I’m a friend. My name is Yagi.”

That night Sako stopped crying. He fell asleep knowing that he had a friend and that he wasn’t alone.

After years of knowing each other they were more like brothers.

And they both wanted freedom.

That was so sweet!! They really are like brothers. They care a lot about each other and grew up together. That's so awesome! Did you add that part recently? I don't remember it. It was just so touching!

Okay, I think that's all I got. If you would like me to not critique you on grammar or other nitpicks, you can just tell me. I don't want to shake your confidence over a few grammar mistakes.

Happy writing!
-KJ