Published January 21, 2013
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Imagery: I don't know what you intended with your imagery exactly, so I'll just say what it made me think of...
In the first stanza, "silent as a tomb", made me think of death and the grave, which doesn't match up with the rest of the poem.
The second stanza made me think of a beautiful person who had a bad past. Good job there.
The fourth did make me think of a garden, but it was rather barren without much description.
The others don't really focus on imagery, which is perfectly fine with me since you have it in other parts of the poem...
The rhyme scheme: Personally, it proved very distracting from the poem. A poem doesn't have to rhyme, you know. If you're determined to make it rhyme, there's always choosing a different scheme, which I noticed you did in the second to last stanza. Try to be consistent throughout your poem.
That being said, beautiful and emotional, which is always good. I hope I was helpful.
lol ... it's a sonnet. That's why the rhyme scheme is that way. ^^ thank for the helpful advice though!
Hello! Guineapiggirl here to review! Welcome to YWS, tthe most awesome, amazing, fun place on the web with the BEST people!
so, first, to the positives! I really like the subject of this poem-someone falling for a nymph! I also like the feel you've captured, of an olden time.
I can see that you're trying to get this with your use of the word thy:
It led me to thy pure beauty,
grace worthy of nobility.
But I don't think it really fits here, and I'm not sure if that's even the meaning of it.
I also think that some of the rhymes are a little forced. Perhaps try a less demanding rhyme scheme??
A man-made Garden of Eden,
a peaceful life in our Heaven.
With purple roses every day,
never going separate ways.
This verse feels forced.
Can you see how much my heart aches?
Not knowing how long I must wait,
until the day when my heart breaks.
For leaving things up to just fate.
This verse in particular feels forced, and you've changed the a a b b rhyme scheme to a b a b.
Come be my only love, my dear.
I promise you won't shed a tear.
So much that I can't offer you,
but so many things I could do
This verse is my favourite.
In conclusion, I think this is a nice little piece and that, with a little work on the rhyme strructure, it could be really good
I hope I've helped. And again, welcome!
thanks a lot! oops, i must have overlooked it. It was a bit forced >_< cause it's a sonnet, and i was running out of ideas to make it rhyme lol. but yes, i will look into it hihi, thanks again!