Soon the ages turned their tides and she grew up, a lot and discovered new things in life. Unknown to her the tainting of her soul had began....
The moment you cast your poised neck
To find the heaven stained cloudy at morn,
Or at times the rain thumped the soil even
Your lips now curled in a beautiful scorn.
Childish spirit which celebrated your mirth
Ceased to mater as layers descended.
Transparent sheets of hazy daydreams,
Delusions.
And at moments some wise views and words,
They coiled around to form a shell
Enclosing within your fair self,
Lost
At moments and apparent when hid
And apparent when buried and when
The stretching arms and legs mattered not.
Those growing vines of raven black, entangled
Mattered not.
At those times your self raised
And harmoniously sang praises and prayed.
*****
In little amount with small actions
Your chase for that something ended.
The summer lost its potent smell.
The chirping of cicadas
And the white puffs,
Of clouds
And heat rising off the ground.
Losing its appeal became mundane scenes.
Just some places.
Autumns growing anxiousness seized heart
Plunging it down deeper than ever.
Crispiness of all sounds, mild air
Couldn’t hold your notice for long,
As your mind wandered farther
Farther away, off
The matter those were before strange.
Now not much more than riddles left alone.
You lost things that were precious...unknown but precious.
To be continued -
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this interesting poem today. Note that I haven't reviewed poetry in a while, so I might be a bit rusty.
I really like your word choice here - you have a lot of specific, emotional adjectives, verbs, and nouns that do a good job of conveying the general tone of the piece, a sense of loss and regret but also wonder at those precious things that were lost. I also think the reflective nature of the poem is really interesting and so is the formal, poetic style - it raises interesting questions about who the narrator is.
I think the biggest thing that's holding this poem back is that sometimes your syntax is just plain confusing because by trying to be poetic, you wind up omitting essential words and making the literal meaning a lot less clear. A good rule of thumb in poetry is that if you took all your lines and removed the line breaks so it's like a paragraph of prose, if that paragraph is really, really difficult to follow more than a few words of, it's going to be really difficult to understand it as a poem as well. (Some ambiguity and grammatical errors are okay if they're a stylistic choice made consciously, but )
Basically, I have a hard time knowing what you're actually referring to in some of your lines because they seem to sometimes lack words that define the relationships of the nouns and adjectives to each other. And by this I mean simple words like "the", "your" "in" "and", etc. For example:
This one is especially unclear. Reading it literally, you seem to be saying that these things called "autumns" (the season? something else?), which grow anxiousness (as in, plant it in the ground and harvest it?), seized (someone/something?)'s heart. See how much I was unsure of in there? My best guess for what you actually meant is "In autumn, growing anxiousness seized your heart." It's two simple words, but those clarify the phrase so much.
Who's childish spirit? The child's? And is it the spirit that ceased to matter, or something else?
I understood what you meant, but this line felt awkward.
Again, I understood what you meant, but you could reword it to be more clear:
Try:
"And at moments some wise views and words
coiled around you to form a shell,
sealing your fair self within,
lost"
(And I said above that one of your strengths is in choosing emotive, powerful words - this is one part of the poem where you could improve on that. "wise views and words" is vague and doesn't convey the tone of the piece.)
But overall, I think this is a pretty interesting, reflective piece! There's room for improvement, but you have some lovely imagery and your topic is strong. Good luck with this, and keep writing!
Thanks for sharing this narrative poem concerning someone whom the speaker describes as growing up and the effects it has on her. As a reader I was immediately interested in how she would develop since the poem promises a detailed description. There is much imagery used to paint a picture of what was happening and her learnings and transformations, which in a way is good since it distances the composition from mere prose and sets it firmly into poetry.
Suggestion:
The poem has potential but in order to attain it’s full glory it must provide specific explanations for general statements. Otherwise the reader wonders what the generalizations mean and walks away confused.
examples: [that something] [mundane scenes.][small actions][new things] [hazy daydreams, Delusions.][growing anxiousness] [some wise views and words,].
The reader descends into a wondering state awaiting explanations but only being presented with more generalizations over which to ponder and wonder.
So focusing on those two points will make the poem better. IMHO
had began [had begun]
Thank you for the review and I'll try to improve